AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

How about you invite them round, informally. While the weather is so good you could sif in the garden (if you have one), maybe have a barbecue. All casual so you don't feel intimidated.

I think it would be different if he wasn't also trying to include you in these new activities. Perhaps some degree of compromise is needed.

I does sound perfect, occasionally. But seriously, EVERY Saturday would (for the vast majority of people) be very boring, if not suffocating.
You are allowing your introversion to make your life very small.
You could benefit from some counselling and daring to push your boundaries a little. If you don’t, your marriage may very well end up in trouble.

I'm not sure if this is genuine, tbh. OP has been asked for 7 pages how old they are yet, and has not replied at all since the third post about how "perfect" it was

It sounds like the OP is uncomfortable with the idea of her DH having friends outside the family or ones she has approved. I can’t see her presently being comfortable having people she doesn’t trust in her home.

She seems to prefer a very limited social circle and to want him not to need any contact with people outside the family unit. It’s obviously not sustainable.

I think, based on what she’s written here there are two options: she either needs to do some work on herself via counselling or therapy and work out why she finds the outside world difficult or they part ways and he is allowed to get on with his life.

"we were happy"

You were happy, he clearly wasn't or he wouldn't have changed.

I'm very sorry but I think your going to have to rethink your whole relationship and that's going to be very hard on you.

OP, you need to try to make an effort.

My sister is like you, and after repeatedly turning down invitations to go places, her partner found another woman who would go with him. He dumped my sister, who had just had his baby, and has been married to the more adventurous woman now for years. This is the risk you face, rightly or wrongly.

Try to make an effort every now and then.

YABU.

I don’t blame him for wanting more from life. The fact that you have only been married 4 years suggests you are both relatively young. And you’re childfree which means you have plenty of time, and presumably money. Too young to be living like pensioners. Instead of resenting him, OP, you might want to consider that he might be right. You only get one chance to be young, OP, so live a little.

I agree with most of the previous PP about the pressures of change. I am old now so I have and want a very settled life so I don't like to be dragged out of it. I think you are going to have to find a compromise. Why not begin by just going out with DH once a week or every two weeks? You say you don't feel comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable the first time I went to a cinema alone but I made myself do it. The second time it was less of a strain.

Happy families is only happy while everyone agrees that they are "happy". When I was small we always went to Wales in a caravan for 1-2 weeks . Always the same area and often the same camp. Everyone loved it. because we knew no different. Then I hit 16 and went out to work in the wider world. I made new friends and they would talk about going off to other places like holiday camps in a girls group. Or even Spain and Italy on one of the new package holidays which were opening up. This was the 1960s.

That year I told my parents I would not be going with them because I could not get the annual leave off. It was a lie. They continued to go to North Wales. A couple of years later I was off to Morocco. Egypt and across the desert in a landrover.

I never again went on holiday with my parents.

Fundamentally you were happy with your old life and he wasn't. He wants to expand his horizons and have a life outside a narrow confined family one. I think you need to try to meet him halfway and join in some of the invitations and suggestions he is making but still spend sometime visiting family, if that's what you enjoy. Your relationship is evolving. That's normal. You can't stop time or change in circumstances from happening in relationships.

OP you seem to idolise how it used to be. Perfection doesn’t exist in reality nor if we’re foolish enough to think so in the past. You may have been happy but now he’s got something else to compare it to your DH seems to realise there’s more to life, wants to broaden his horizons and live a little. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

Criticising him or lamenting how it was with his parents isn’t great either. You could be narrating it different. Support him. That it’s great he’s settled into new job and has got his spark. Sorry to say but he might also be finding the old rut dull now. Why not start finding new interests yourself also? Be bit more positive and exciting? You don’t sound old but in some ways had the routine of an old couple before.

It’s ok to be introverted but why not try again with his friends. Be light to be around. People love talking about themselves so even if you don’t feel like speaking or sharing you could make an effort and ask them about themselves. Sorry to say too, if you don’t try and develop and grow along with him, I don’t see your marriage lasting.

This is growth and progression in life. Either join in or accept he is changing and support him.

that's very sad

Why do you want to live such a small life tho ? Has something bad happened to you or something ?

Then he still gets to go out with his friends and do as he pleases surely? You keep saying 'it suited US and WE were happy' but he clearly wants more. Which is fine.

You found it perfect, perhaps he found it repetitive and dull

Why on earth is that sad?

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

You were happy. He wasn’t.

We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea.

‘At least once or twice a week’ is a hell of a lot.

I’m going to call reverse on this one.

OP why not resolve to make an effort? He’s trying to include you. It would be unfair to make him go back to the bubble but at best you risk him stopping asking and at worst if you don’t try, this is possibly beginning of end.

Today you have a choice. Wallow or dust yourself down and ask all about his last escapade. Be enthusiastic and say that sounds great, I think I might come along to the next catch up. It takes time to bed into a new group but surely that’s better than sitting home moping?

Being an introvert needn’t mean being a hermit who sees mainly family. You’re young. No ties. Plenty time for quieter life if kids ever come along. If it’s a confidence/self esteem issue small steps will help too. Good luck.

There are going to be lots of changes throughout your lives together. The point is to evolve together. You don’t have to do everything he’s doing but meeting in the middle somewhere is the key.

“We were happy”

Do you think that YOU were happy and he was playing along.

He sounds like he’s found a life bless-him.

Agree with this! Myself and my daughter are introverts but spent the whole day in London yesterday shopping, going for an early dinner and then the theatre. We do prefer spending time at home but go out once or twice a week to experience new things. We can have downtime at home afterwards. My husband’s made some new friends and I met them last week. It will probably take a few more times before I feel more comfortable with them but you have to keep adapting in your marriage.

Doesn't stop you exploring London with him, trying new places with just the two of you.
This is the stuff memories are from, in your old age when you look back. Try pushing yourself out of your very very safe comfort zone. He wants you with him to live a little.

He’s making the most of his life. I am also an introvert and need a lot of downtime, but having relationships with a wide range of people can be really rewarding. Maybe you should go to therapy to think about all of this.

Very few people would be able to live the life you described, before he changed. Don’t demand that of him; it’s definitely unreasonable.

I'm wondering how you didn't get bored with each other ages ago if you both worked from home and didn't see anybody other than both sets of parents.

OP maybe it's time for you to find your own passions in life? That doesn't need to be tagging along on your husbands work outings, I'd hate that too, but getting out and about a bit yourself.