AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

Exactly this - people grown together or they grow apart. The latter ends in sadness. Could you at least maybe try a little bit - you might surprise yourself? And if it’s really not for you then you can at least say you’ve tried.

It will be expected as part of his job that he does socialise with the rest of the team.

@newlifeoldme It would be rude to ask what age you are, but as someone over 60 I very much agree with the Lucille Ball
"I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done."
While you feel happy with your limited social interaction - he is not.
Imagine the resentment you will cause if he suddenly looks back and sees things he could have done but did not to keep you "happy"
If your husband is enjoying going out more, could you not try to engage with it a little?
Maybe start by going out just the two of you but to something different?
Then doing an activity with his new friends every now and again.
Nothing stays the same- the relatives will also move on and change with their lives it is natural.

Isn't everyone a "rando" to start with? If you didn't take a chance on randos you wouldn't have anyone in your life outside of your immediate family.

What do you imagine your life was going to be like when your DPs are no longer around? I've no idea how old you are, but you're treating your "being an introvert" as some sort of disease that means its impossible for you to be a normal social human being. I think you better start making plans for how you will cope when your DH asks you for the divorce.

Go on live a little! Plenty of time to stay home when you are old. Carpe Diem and all that!

@HollyhocksandPeons

hahha, pissing myself at the idea that it’s only acceptable for teens to go to cafes and eateries….at what age should you only eat and drink in your own home in your view?

and yes he IS developing a person - he is having new experiences, growing friendships and discovering a life behind WFH, OP and his family.

Your husband's new job dropped him into a group that enjoys socializing and he's been exposed to life outside the parental homes and your own. He's discovered he enjoys getting out with different people and enjoys socializing and trying different cuisines and having new experiences.

You can resent it all you want but it won't change the fact that he's no longer content to live an extremely restricted life of visiting parents and staying home. You have a couple options here. Go along when he invites you or stay home and only visit your parents. If you choose to stay home, you and your husband will grow apart and likely split. If you go, you might find you can enjoy spending time with your husband outside the narrow circle you've made for yourself. If you don't, recognize you've grown apart and you no longer are compatible.

You sound like you have social anxiety and have been living a life that caters to that anxiety. Your husband is no longer going to cater to that.

He could've been bored senseless if that was extent of social life and now taking more opportunities that have presented themselves Good for him

If you want to live such and insular life then go ahead but don't expect him to now he's had a taste of what life can be

How did you even get to meet him if you don't go anywhere

It’s irrelevant whether he is going to Korean barbecues or building a model train set. It doesn’t matter whether it’s happening inside the home or outside,

The point is he is trying new stuff and the OP isn’t. He has in the jargon a “growth mindset” while the OP wants her life to remain in aspic, preserved permanently in the same weekend with no variation.

Its very obvious that this isn’t going to be sustainable for a youngish man who is meeting new people. The OP either opens herself up to try new things, ideas and people or the whole thing blows up.

Although OP still hasn’t returned and and answered how old they both are, it sounds as her DH has finally grown up and is happy experiencing new freedoms just like most of us hope for with our children growing up into well balanced adults.

as an introvert, I don’t see what he has done wrong? It seems he has tried including you, he has changed but we all devolep and learn what we do and don’t enjoy as the years go on. If he completely left you out or put it above you that wouldn’t be fair but it doesn’t seem that way based on what you have told us. You can be very different people, enjoy your own things and still enjoy each others company.

In long term relationships people change over time. Either they change together or they grow apart. It seems like the op's dh wasn't as satisfied with their quiet life as she was and there's nothing wrong with that. She can choose to compromise or perhaps realise the relationship isn't the right one for them both.

Christ your lifestyle sounds dull!

I thought this was going to be a thread about your husband getting cocky after a promotion and/or having his head turned by a hot young thing in the office. But it sounds like he's just joined somewhere with friendly people and a good social scene and he really enjoying that and wants you to be part of it too.

Maybe it's taken him by surprise
Or maybe (sorry) he was bored and stifled by the very limited life you seem to lead but didn't know how to expand it. It's actually quite hard to "make new friends" once you're out of education and a bit introverted.

You are very focused on "we". We were perfectly happy. Our life was perfect. We are introverts and seeing our parents at their homes was enough. Well, it sounds like it wasn't enough for him, and that's ok. I'm an introvert but I would be bored rigid in a life like that with no friends and no change of scene.

I don't know what the answer is. Can you work out a compromise? Go with him every other weekend and make the most of being welcomed? And he does the family stuff sometimes too? Otherwise you'll just find you are a married couple leading seperate lives. Have you thought what would happen if you split? He'd probably have a fun life with his new friends and new experiences plus loving parents too. What about you? Would you just go back to live with your parents?

Neither of you have done anything 'wrong' but if you can't adapt you may have to consider if this is the end of your marriage. Your DH is trying to involve you and wants you to be part of his new interests, he's not excluding you or dazzled by anyone at work he'd prefer to be with but that could happen eventually.

I love DS and being in his company with all my heart, but... I'd rather see him having an interesting life and visits to new places than just sitting eating scones with me every weekend.

She's not even using the word introvert properly anyway - introverts don't hate socialising or trying new things, they just need alone time to recharge. Lots of introverts absolutely love going out, exploring and meeting new people.

Give it a go, even with him and not his friends. Wandering exploring places together on a Saturday morning sounds way better then sitting with family same same.
I definitely think the social aspect of work is very important for purpose.

This is clearly your version of perfect - not necessarily everyone elses. You should try and get out there a bit more; you might build confidence and enjoy it. Xo

Christ if I were your husband I'd have chucked myself off Beachy Head long before now.

Op, people grow and change . My dh is much more outgoing than he was previously which can be a challenge for me sometimes as when I met him he was quiet and reserved
However, part of developing a good marriage is realising this and talking and compromising
In this case , your dh is trying to broaden his horizons and he wants to take you along with him

Perfect for you. Clear from this thread that others and most likely your DH would be bored shitless. You were happy but it sounds like he wasn't. You can't hold people back because you fancy an endless round of comforting scones in ever decreasing circles..

I mean, that's not necessarily true.

Things change as we age regardless of whether or not we have families. My husband and I travelled a lot pre-kids, deliberately saved up some UK locations, now we're excited to get back travelling again. But even though we're travelling again, we don't do clubbing and bar hopping in the same way either.

Life goes through these little phases, but it doesn't mean we never return to phases.

OP - you've had harsh comments about the life you used to enjoy, and I just wanted to say that I get it. Different situation, but with my toddler, they change so much so quickly that you only really get a season of each age, and before you know it that way of life is over.

I think you might find the change easier if you do something new together, outside of your old bubble and outside of his new bubble too.

Maybe go on a trip together and discover some place? Or try a new joint hobby?

Bless you 💐

this is really hard for you, but he’s right; there’s a big wide world out there and he wants to broaden his horizons.

i think maybe you try and change with him, or your marriage won’t survive.i am sorry for you though 😔

Neither of you are being unreasonable in theory - it's just that he's expanding his world and being less insular, and you're happy with the way things were. People change, personalities change. Maybe you're just not compatible any more.

My dh tried this shit when we got married and I said in no uncertain terms that I'll go out regardless of what he thought. So now I have my own social life and he has also broadened his horizons. We do things together, separately and without the kids.

When we 1st got together, Dh was v entrenched with his dysfunctional family dynamics & controlling siblings. He realised soon after they started getting partners and doing their own thing, how coercively controlled he was by them.

I think this is what you're doing, you are coercively controlling him and isolating him from friends. He went along with it for 4 yrs but his new job has given him a new life line. The kindest thing to do is to get divorced so he can have a proper life because you are restrictive and not enough for him.