AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

He still likes your favourite scones and cakes, but he also is enjoying trying macaroons and eclairs.

Someone put it well- He's either going to grow with you, or grow without you. It's your choice which one you want that to be.

It’s normal to change and develop.

When we were in our 20’s we loved going out, then we had kids and enjoyed family time with the grandparents instead….then our kids left home and we’ve started going out again.

All perfectly normal and acceptable, until you end up in the situation you’re in where you want different things. My DH started a hobby about twenty years ago that I didn’t fancy much but it could’ve left me sat at home a lot on weekends so I joined him…now I do it more than he does!

You need to at least be willing to meet him halfway and try some things, even if it’s just the two of you going for days out (doesn’t have to involve his new mates, he can see them another time)

I think as lovely as it sounds for someone young your life seems small. I think it's great he's trying to include you. Your parents won't be around forever. Life is short. Try to live it and experience new things.

It’s a sad story OP but you only have two choices.

Either stay as the homebody you are and resent your husbands new fulfilling life for as long as he is prepared to have you sitting at home moaning about it when he comes home. Because eventually he will stop coming home.

Or realise that you can find enjoyment and fun in a life outside the four walls of your home.

You do both sound very young. I hate to say it because it is becoming such a cliche but I wonder what your age and experience was during lockdown. It sounds a bit as though you both somehow missed out on the spreading your wings excitement of being a young adult and learning just how exciting the world can be. Clearly your husband has had his eyes opened and is enjoying his new job, his increased status, his new salary. If you want to keep up with him then you are going to have to start setting foot outside the door , make new connections and realising that there are other people in the world apart from your families and your cosy 1950 Sunday afternoon teas with them.

Try to find local groups to join, a sport, or a hobby, even think about buying a dog and meeting other dog owners, go to a book group, do anything to widen your very limited horizons .

Have you thought about seeking counselling/therapy for your agoraphobia? A lot of people think agoraphobia is fear of leaving the house (which it can become), but truly it is a fear of “the marketplace” - crowds, unknown people, unfamiliar places. Familiar also comes from the word family. So you’re happy with family, not happy with un-family.

You may have been happy, but he can’t have been fulfilled or he wouldn’t have considered the hybrid role and when the others invited him out he would have said no.

I’m sorry you don’t feel ready for this, but as others have said this is going to be a choice between working on your agoraphobia or possibly (maybe even probably) separating with your DH.

You think this is the life of a retiree? Really? The “retirees” I know (or have known, now deceased) are active members of political parties, go on holidays, have dinner parties, do sports and hobbies, eat out, do voluntary work, go to adult education classes, attend dance groups, choirs, concerts, see friends etc etc etc.

Do the ones you know do none of these things??? Even if in your own family, people stop doing anything outside of their home/family as soon as they retire, surely you yourself sometimes go to restaurants/hotels/classes/gyms/concerts and can see that there are “retirees” there? I know/have known precisely one “retiree” who can be described as a homebody and has a similarly narrow life to OP and he has always been the same so it’s nothing to do with his age.

Although I can appreciate the change is hard and you miss what your life used to look like, he’s simply enjoying new things and exploring life!
i say this as an introvert homebody who’s partner is quite the opposite, if you don’t want to join in fair enough but you can’t keep him caged, theres a big world out there

Are you both very young? It sounds like it's the first relationship for both of you, and he's growing up and out of this pensioner lifestyle. It can happen, when one partner outgrows the other - it's obviously sad and you're entitled to feel a type of way about it, but unfortunately he's not going to suddenly switch back.

I'd die of boredom in the life you describe, hanging out with parents, and I am 54!
I would also divorce anyone who stopped me from going out, meeting friends and travelling.

What are you guys doing today?

That sounds like the sort of thing my parents would really enjoy but they are in their 80s. Socialising with just family is
quite insular.

When you talk to him about it, ‘I
really loved days where we did xyz!’ What does he say? Does he say it was sweet but actually a bit boring sometimes? It sounds like you have maybe grown apart.

Be careful. My friend's sister in law was happy with a quiet life in her 20s. But as time progressed she remained living with parents, only really socialising with family. She was somewhat social in her 20s but her world has shrunk as people's lives have moved on and hers has atrophied.

She is now nearly 50, single, still lives at home (despite owning her own property) and only really socialises with her ageing parents.

Perfect for you.

Sounds like you want to be a hermit for the rest of your life but he’s realised there is actually a whole world out there and he’d like to be a part of it. Go out with him, you might find you enjoy yourself.

Relationships and people evolve, especially if you stay together for a long time, if you dont move with him, you'll lose him.

You'll have to make an effort occasionally and push yourself out of your comfort zone. Would he do the same for you? Thats compromise....what relationships are all about

He was happy and things were perfect because he didn't know any different at the time.
Now he's broadening his horizons, trying new things.

Are you both quite young? Maybe he settled down too early and now wants to have more fun

Just hanging on incase the op actually tells us how old thry are

OP, it was perfect for you. It sounds like DH has found a social life that is perfect for him. I appreciate you describe yourself as an introvert and don't like crowds, and you do not sound like you want to try new things. Are there things in the world you would like to try with DH? He sounds very open to new experiences. Can you think of any new things you would like to do? I bet he'd be up for them. Perhaps if you could do some new things together that were more 'your thing' that might help.

I feel a bit of joy for DH if I am honest. His life before sounded very predictable and repetitive, just visiting family. It would not have suited me but perhaps did suit you. I am sorry if this is really destabilising for you, OP. I can imagine it feels like having the rug pulled out from under you. However, he sounds delighted at the prospect of trying Korean BBQ and I can only be pleased for him. He has invited you along in his new adventures but you very clearly sound like you don't want to join him. This could be a problem in the future, I think. How old are you both?

Every Saturday morning? What fresh hell?

Working from home everyday with my spouse and then spending all weekend with parents would drive me insane. Thats no healthy way to live.

Do you have any of your own friends?

I think good on your husband. There’s a big wide world out there. It would be a shame not to explore it and meet new people.

You are existing and he is living. If you don’t start living he will leave. It sounds like a very insular, depressing life and good for him for doing normal thing like normal people do.

Right? I have young adult children and would be very alarmed if they visited me every weekend and never did anything else.

I can totally understand that you’re feeling sad that your life together has changed but if you were both working from home, didn’t really go out and spent weekends visiting either set of parents then that sounds ridiculously insular and stifling and it would seem that your husband didn’t see it as being as perfect as you do.
You both need to sit down and come to a compromise. It’s good that he’s seen some of the big wide world out there but he can’t just turn his back on his wife and family. Unless he wants to end up being in the middle of a divorce.
Compromise is key here.

Exactly. Sounds so suffocating and this man has finally figured life outside this depressing bubble.

It must be hard for you and feel free to mourn the ‘old’ life and tell him you miss it, but definitely don’t tell him you resent him and act entitled to your ‘old’ life. He has grown in a positive way and part of you should be proud, even if it negatively affects you.

If I were you I would start to get out more, but in baby steps and in an introvert way. Get more hobbies, even if they’re solitary. If you hate crowds, can you take up stuff that gets you outside like hiking/bird watching/paddle boarding/photography? Maybe he would love to join you.

What about a sport? I bet if you told him you want to learn pickleball or whatever together he would be thrilled.

Relationships are all about compromise. You don’t have to go out with his friends all the time, but once in a while would be great. Having interesting hobbies to do whilst he’s out with them and wishing him well is also good. And compromise on the family time.

If fear or lack of self confidence is holding you back, a therapist might be worth seeing. You might think you were happy, but were you really just in a very tiny comfort zone?

Getting out your comfort zone is scary initially so can look like ‘I hate this’. But you’re missing out on so much possibilities in life. When your comfort zone expands you then feel sorry for the old you who was stuck doing so little and was deep down afraid.

I don’t mean to alarm you but personally I would worry that if I didn’t adapt somewhat now and dug my heels in, that my husband would eventually ask for divorce, and that would mean even more change for you. He has got out of the comfort zone and realised the adventure around him. I would worry he would then find me boring and inflexible, particularly if I kept moaning about the old life.

Your old life is gone I’m afraid, he won’t be wanting it back. Adapt a bit now or face the consequences. You don’t have to become an extrovert by any means, just become a little bit more adventurous in your own way, a bit more flexible, and find some compromise.

I agree.