AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

Agree. The mother’s approach is incredibly unhelpful. No wonder he wants to be let off the leash a bit.

If you want to go with him on whatever journey he is going on OP you need to distance yourself from these emotional blackmail tactics. Ultimately your loyalty is to him, not his mum and it sounds like this really suffocating relationship with the parents is actually quite one-sided.

Tell me this family is enmeshed without telling me it’s enmeshed.

OP this is toxic behaviour from your MIL and she is triangulating you (you are her flying monkey)

This is not going to end well.

Yes it sounds like he’s discovered he actually enjoys being out there in the world and that his life can be bigger than what it has been. It might be a case of just growing apart from each other.

That said, I am your DH and my husband is more like you and we’ve been together for about 15 years with no issues. We still spend time together but I also do stuff out of the house with friends a lot that wouldn’t be his scene.

Op did you put his mother up to that, were you round there complaining and being upset?

I'm not sure. We first met through this guild of a game that's been around for almost two decades and everyone there is in their 30 to late-60s. Some are working part-time, some on disability, some are retired so we saw them all online enough to become friends. We all met once in person for one of the couple's weddings in Germany and that's where DH and I first met face-to-face too. Other than that, I don't really have any friends.

Always thought I'd be happy with just my cats, family, and the neighbour and then I met DH. Anyway, we've arranged to play disc golf with his cousin, cousin's new girlfriend, and another couple cousin knows next week. We'll see how it goes.

No! I was happy just being there for the usual weekend routine but his mum keeps asking why it's just me there because he was supposed to go today too but cancelled.

Your life and family closeness is too much, you might be happy but hes realised he wants to do other things. That's fine, but your relationship will not last unless there is compromise and a mutual understanding. Your in your 30s, still very young!

He might be realising that he doesn't want to lose his life to WoW. You know how long you've been in that game and I bet it's years. Years and years of your life, which we only get one shot at.
Follow him. Break free!

I spend a lot of time in an MMO (final fantasy xiv) as well OP, but can be a lovely social activity but also the stuff that DH is doing sounds great as well. I do think his mum has to back off and I think going over there on your own just highlights the fact he isn't there and it sounds like that makes both you and his mum quite sad.

You don't have to enjoy the same things as DH and you don't have to have loads of friends, but perhaps you could think about other ways to fill your time? Something you want to learn, maybe?

OP It's great that you're going to disc golf with others. You don't need to go out all the time but you might enjoy going out more once you try it. It sounds like your DH has a suffocating mother who wants to keep him close and has then married someone very similar who just wants to not risk anything new. He's decided to break free from her a bit, so really it's none of her business if her 30 something married son wants to make his own life without being tied to seeing her every week for tea and scones!

He has told you that he has realised that the world is bigger than your house and family, now that has happened there’s no going back for him.

When you said “another argument”, what was said and by whom?

And you obviously CAN do uncomfortable things if you went to Germany for the wedding of a couple that you’d never met in real life.

OP, I’m sorry to be harsh, but the life you describe as being happy with previously sounds unimaginably dull for someone your age.

My DH and I are the same age as you. We’re also homebodies and pretty sedate for our age, but our free time is typically a mix of - quiet time, gardening / DIY, going to the pub, dog walks, seeing friends for drinks / dinner (whether we’re hosting, at theirs, or at a restaurant), dates out together, camping, weekends away exploring the UK. We also live in the same village as my parents and see them fairly regularly, and see my husband’s parents (further afield) every 2-3 months. We typically go to London a couple of times a year together.

THAT is a sedate life for someone in their mid-30s. Your description of every weekend being with a set of parents, and the level of excitement about tea and cake, is like reading the diary of a retiree.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you carry on living such a restricted lifestyle whilst your husband explores the world around him, you will inevitably grow apart and resent each other.

The fact you completed uni online and met your husband through video gaming points to some potential social anxiety, or other neurodivergence, you might want to get checked out and then find coping strategies to manage / engage more with your husband’s interests.

You can still have and enjoy your own quiet time, but I doubt your marriage will last if you insist on carrying on as before.

Seems like you may have to find a new partner who is introverted like you; unless you are willing to change/try going out a bit with him; but if it is really not you; you can’t force yourself.

I would have found your life style quite boring and a partner who isn’t willing to try new things quite boring too as I am an extrovert; but each to their own

Good grief, how dramatic!

You may have thought you were BOTH satisfied living in your little bubble and you are miffed that your DH has found a new social circle. He sounds like a lovely bloke who has invited his wife along as he wants to share these experiences. Id accept his invitations before he stops bothering to ask.

Boring more like.

This is insane. I really feel sorry for your husband having to deal with his mother’s emotionally manipulative tantrums. She needs to be careful here or she actually will lose her son. He’s allowed a life of his own.

Can we stop trotting out “introverted” as an excuse for not wanting to socialise?

I’m introverted. I socialise. I have friends. I want to meet people, get out the house, and have new experiences. I need to take time to “recharge”, but I still want to do these things.

Oh come off it, being pulled apart indeed because he doesn’t want to sit in his mother’s eating scones every Saturday.

Why are you still going round on your own? Surely you can find something else to do.

this!

I think he’s absolutely doing the right thing putting in place some boundaries with his mother. She sounds suffocating.

Sometimes you have to force yourself to do things you don't want to do. I listen to a neuroscience professor podcast and he explained something interesting once. There is a part of the brain ( anterior midcingulate cortex (aMCC)) that is bigger in people who do things they don't want to do and way smaller in people who don't pressure themselves. In essence he argued it is good from a neurological perspective to do things you don't want to do.

As you get older I find it's harder but I force myself. This is true of socialising and exercising but knowing it's good for me I keep doing it. I do see the benefits.

I share this bit of information as I think you might find it interesting and it might influence you. Even if you don't gel with his friends force yourself to engage with them.

The people "pulling the family apart" are you and his mum.

I'm introverted but I find if I make a bit of effort to get to know people in a relaxed environment it works fine and I enjoy myself. You should try it OP, both with your husband and on your own. Try joining something like a local book club or walking club, or one that aligns with your interests.