AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

You don't say how old you both are but have only been married four years and I am assuming you are still quite young

People do change with time, your husband is adapting and embracing new experiences, new people. That is normal. It's up to you what you do but if you don't adapt a bit, you may lose him.

Its not inherently unhealthy to prefer being at home, no.

It is unhealthy to seek to limit not just your own social circle but your spouse’s social circle just to family forever and to treat anyone outside that circle with suspicion or hostility.

The life he wants to live now is more the norm than the previous one. So now he has had a taste if it, it would not be unusual for him to want to continue.
While you might be a natural home body, it's possible that he only was for want of opportunity and this is the real him.
I think attempts to pull him back would be futile (and cruel, considering the odd day out and meal with people other than family is hardly a life of abandon and excess) so i think you will need to choose between letting him go with good grace, or giving it a go yourself.
You don't need to go from the sofa to crowded city centres and parties with strangers, but the odd trip for some quieter outside stimulation might be more enjoyable than you think.

Do you actually go out places with just your husband at all? U haven't mentioned going for meals, cinema or anything like that

I am not sure how old you are but seems that from a retired life he used to live, he is now back in his 20s/30s. Going for dinners and coffees is not excessive. It’s not that he is suddenly clubbing till the morning in rave parties. I suggest it might be good if you make an effort and start joining him sometimes cause you might end growing apart. Do you have any friends to go out? or is it just the parents and cousins you see every week?

Im sorry but this sounds terribly sad for adults to only spend their time with their parents and family members on weekends. Socialising outside of family is really important (especially parents as they won’t always be around) and your husband is right to seek out friendships you have to either try to do this yourself too or allow him to do so.

He’s actively trying to involve her. She’s being a miserable cow.

ffs grow up

It is important to try and embrace new things, to make life fun and exciting. Yes, you were happy with the way things were but why are you so reluctant to also try different experiences, meet new people? It doesn't mean that things weren't good as is, you are just expanding and making the most of opportunities like living in London. Tbh, you might start getting bored of your routine activity after a few years. Now you can enjoy a broader range of things- be a homebody too and also experience new experiences. And it's lovely that your husband is making so much effort. It's a wonderful way of making memories and enjoying life. Though if you keep rejecting his ideas or are genuinely uninterested, then be honest and tell him because this is a compatibility issue. Don't be complaining to your MIL about it.

This seems like a very narrow view to me, if you're an introvert as the OP has stated she is, it can be "healthy" to have a smaller circle. Some people find socializing and meeting new people very draining. There are also many people who are not "neurotypical" who prefer a more insular lifestyle. I like to socialize and meet new people but I know many others who don't enjoy this and I respect that.

OPs question is about how to cope with her partner changing and wanting a different lifestyle from the one they've had historically. If you had a lively social life as a couple and your partner changed and wanted to stay home a lot more it would be a similar dilemma to solve. I don't think it's helpful at all to be judgemental about her preferences.

Another weekend another argument. His mum facetimed him to ask why it was only me visiting yesterday, he said he's busy and have them penciled in for first week of Sept. His mum said she feels like she's losing her son. We all used to be so so close. Never really spent more than a week without seeing each other. Now the family's basically being pulled apart.

To give a bit of background, we met while playing video games around the covid period. So this has always been how our life was. Both mid-30s. I've always been very awkward so was happy to have found someone I thought would be happy to live life like me.

A tad dramatic OP, it's not being pulled apart, your DH is just choosing not to see his parents every week or even twice a week.

Most people don't see their parents that often.
It could be a phase he's going through and if the relationship is strong enough, it will survive.
Or this could be the new normal for him and as others have said, join him or do your own thing, how that pans out for the relationship will depend on how you take it.

Plenty of couples do things separately but not full weekends.

He isn’t doing anything wrong as such but you've got to understand each other.

Strange for his DM to demand he spends so much time with her.

His mum is being dramatic, and this will only push him away.

His mum risks pushing him away completely if she carries on like that. Good parents want to see their children make a full life for themselves which is what he is doing.

OP with kindness you and his parents are pushing him away with this mindset and this behaviour.

He clearly wants to explore and try new things. He wants a life less closely bound to his parents. He’s in his 30s, this is absolutely normal and natural.

You can’t stop him from wanting to develop, learn and grow. You have two choices: you (and his parents) confront the question of why you are so threatened by him wanting to gently pull away and make new friends. Or you lose him.

Are you actually willing to listen to the advice you have been given on here?

You know we’re no longer in lockdown right?

I know it’s good for him. I understand that logically. I’m just feeling a bit sad and lost. To answer some pp, I did Uni online after dropping out of my regular Uni. DH and I were also mostly big video gamers when we met so all of our non-in person social life comes from guild members we met in the game. I know it sounds bad to most but that was our life.

I think you should give it a go. Spending the weekends only visiting in-laws for tea and scones sounds really boring to me, I’d rather go try new things as well.

It’s ok to like what you like but honestly at some point it’s going to have a really negative impact on your relationship if you are living two separate lives. He will eventually stop asking you and at that point you may no longer be suited to each other.

That’s fine, OP. There is nothing wrong with this. Any kind of social connection is life enhancing.

But you do need to start to make peace with his desire to make friends in the more traditional way and broaden his social life. It’s either that or he will really bridle and feel very suffocated. If you can’t do that on your own get help with it.

And his mum really needs to butt out. Really not normal for parents to project marriage an adult child’s relationship like this.

OP do you have any friends other than his parents/your parents? Also don’t get involved with his mums guilt tripping him, he’s allowed to have a life. Just as you are allowed to lead the life you want. If you just like hanging out with family thats fine but it’s completely normal to want to be out doing things.

Do you think perhaps the way he was living wasn’t out of choice and perhaps not a true reflection of how he would ideally live?

He's developed as a person, good for him! He's done nothing wrong and sounds like he is actively trying to involve you.

With all due respect to you @newlifeoldme, your life doesn't "sound bad" as it's how you have been living it and what you've become accustomed to. We've no knowledge of what made you drop of uni or what is the cause of your social anxieties. But you also may be projecting that whatever is driving you to not want to move beyond the small world you live in is the same reason your DH was apparently happy to stay in that restricted environment. It obviously wasn't, as he's now happily exploring other relationships and experiences. He seems to love you as he wants to bring you into that new environment with him. You are feeling "sad and lost" because you're letting him go without you even giving him a chance to show you how it's not scary or horrible. And unless you try to step into that new world with him, I'm afraid that you're going to be even more sad and lost when he leaves you and his mother. Is that really the future you want for yourself? You're in your 30s. Do you see yourself spending the next 40 years living alone, mixing socially only online with gaming "guild members" (will these be 50-60 year olds or 12-20 year olds?), with your only contact with another person in the flesh a tea and scone visit with your ex-husband's mother until she passes? You're lamenting the wrong thing. Your husband is doing you a kind service, giving you a safe way to find out about the real world. I'd take it if I were you. And let his mother figure out how to live her own life.

Oh god.

once my MIL started saying this, it was the beginning of us going VLC. We see them once a year at best. It’s emotional manipulation and it rarely works against someone who has chosen not to see someone more.

I’d prepare yourself for what you’ll do if he stops seeing them. You could end up in a pretty awkward position here if they form half of your social circle and you have to choose where your loyalties lie between him and them.

That’s Absoltely terrible, what an awful bloody mother, I feel so so sorry for him, out there trying to make friends have a life and he’s been punished and manipulated by his own mother,

oulling the family apart, losing her son.

fuck me, he should go no contact and she should be ashamed.