AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

Which is fine as a broad societal level thing, but many many people are perfectly happy alone/not socialising much. It’s not inherently unhealthy to prefer being at home. human behaviour exists on a spectrum of what is normal and that is different for everyone.

Sounds utterly boring, week in, week out.
Once a month maybe!
The guy is just seeing the world and he HAS changed, people do. What is a shame is that he wants to explore WITH you and you’re refusing.
The genie is out of the box and he isn’t going back in. What you do with that is up to you!
Poor guy, I feel for him.

Even OP enjoys some level of socialising though, just with a few specific known people. Even she doesn’t want to be totally alone.

Trouble is things change, people move or develop other interests or even die, so even those of us happy with a small social life need more than just a tiny handful of people.

But often there is something unhealthy behind it, something unhealthy that drives it, especially in younger people, as I suspect the op is. It would be different if these were older people.

i do know a couple like this, in their 30s, he was unemployed she worked from home, they never went out, just visited relatives, stayed home, and well food was a huge part of their lives, they would cook these big dinners each night, and watch telly or listen to music. They are both significantly over weight, she doesn’t dress well or do much with herself, which would be fine, but I think is part of the issue.

she lost her job, he got one, out of the home, he started going out and socialising, and enjoying it, turns out he’s quite gregarious, she didn’t even make much of an effort,

I’ve seen her in company, her world is so small, it is like she feels out of her depth with people her age, suddenly self conscious of her appearance, her lack of friends, her lack of social life, struggles to make conversation, So she prefers not to join in at all, just texts him what’s for dinner to try to encourage him home,

I don’t know if she’s socially awkward, socially anxious, but there is definitely something unhealthy behind it.

You need to decide if you want this relationship to succeed or fail.

Right now, your husband wants you to join in with him.
It's up to you if you do or not.

If you never join in at all, he is going to learn to live without you, that going out and enjoying himself is something he does by leaving you behind.

He will get to a point where he associates doing things he likes with you not being there.
He will stop asking you to join eventually, then what will you do?

Or, you could compromise a bit, go with him sometimes and not others, so he gets what he needs and you get what you need too.

Telling him that finding a slightly larger social circle is something you don't like is not going to make him want to go back to a way he has now decided is not the way he wants to live his whole life.

You might have been happy but maybe he wasnt

How old are you both? I don't think its work that has changed him - it just sounds like he's growing in a different way to you. You say that you are both 'homebodies' but what does that really mean? I generally like being at home, but I still like to meet up with friends, go out to eat and do things outside of the home. Perhaps meeting other people has broadened his horizons, it must be especially difficult if colleagues are invitng him out or talking about their evenings and weekends and he feels like you are both missing out. I think you and his parents have become comfortable with this version of his life, hence the comments about not recognising him, but most parents would be happy to see their adult child going out and having fun, instead of coming around with thier wife for tea several times per week.

"It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier."

"Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!"

So, two 'perfect's, one 'we were happy', one 'we could not be happier'.

OP, have you considered the possibility that it was only you and not 'we' who found it all perfect and happy, happy, happy? Have you considered the possibility that your husband was not happy leading such a narrow insular life?

And a life that had, to be very blunt, no future? Because you've "no kids, no plans there", have you? Just you, parents, cousins. All getting a day older, every day. Then it would just be you and cousins, dying of old age, one by one (this is what I mean by 'no future'). That is a fucking terrifying prospect for most people.

So yes, YABU to resent your DH's new job. It might turn out to be the saving of you both.

I'm an extrovert married to an introvert. Most of the time we lead quite separate lives. I spend most of my time socialising with my children's friends' parents and going to toddler groups; if I spend too much time at home I end up feeling depressed (the closest word I can think of to describe how I feel) because I thrive on conversation and social contact. When my DH does come to social things or trips out it's like he's on a schedule or needs to time each interaction I guess. I suspect he's a lot happier to be at work where he or his boss is in control and he has a familiar structure to work to. Neither of us are going to change, so it's important to have our mostly separate lives, I think if we decided we needed to do everything together it would damage our relationship because neither of us would be happy.

There's a difference between "not socialising much" and never doing anything that doesn't involve your spouse and immediate family, though.

The former is normal and perfectly healthy, the latter is incredibly insular (and very short-sighted).

It is exactly healthy. Any couple that I know who hangs around together all the time, in the home, shopping, parents, sameness etc are usually on the road to becoming more and more reclusive or breaking up.

It is not so bad as you get older but it grates in most people after some time.

I have some very insular family members who I worry about as it has had a massive impact on their mental health, especially post retirement. That said they do at least go out a lot and have hobbies. You can't live a lifestyle as restricted as this without some sort of mental health impacts.

You’re going to loose your husband and potentially your marriage if you don’t stop acting this way. You aren’t being resentful , you are flatly refusing to participate in your husband’s life. You are creating distance. You’re being awful.

Spending most of your leisure time with both sets of parents would be stifling for many.

Absolutely this

It was perfect for you, obviously not for him. He probably did not dislike but given the opportunity to go out and meet friends he took it and he is enjoying it.
if you don’t want to change I don’t think you should stay with him anymore.
you say you are introvert, but actually you come across as socially phobic, I know loads of introvert people and they have friends, they just need time to stay alone to recharge. I world try and investigate why being social is so hard for you and work on that.

How do you get invited to parent social events without husband? If my husband is not in town no one of our “friends” invite me or the kids out as they all go out as couple plus friends so I have no social life. No divorced parents in the school my kids go…

He may very well have been happy previously, but that doesn’t mean that new experiences can’t have widened his horizons, and his understanding of what being happy looks like for him.

It’s unlikely that he’s going to go back to what you were and be happy, now he’s had first hand experience of what he would be missing.

People change throughout life, some more than others. Couples may change together, or they can change in ways that mean they’re no longer compatible.

You aren’t unreasonable to feel sad that he’s changed, and he isn’t unreasonable if he feels sad that you won’t. Is there room for compromise here?

Our 'friends of DS's parents' friendship group is a mix of single parents and couples and former couples -- the divorced couple were still together when we all first met, but now one has a new partner, who occasionally comes to things, and the other doesn't. And sometimes both parents, when there are two, come to things, but often not, because of work schedules etc. One of the guys is a chef, and one works in emergency medicine.

I mean, if I invite people round here, as I often do, I don't know who exactly will be there until they respond, because I don't know their shifts, other commitments etc. How do your friends know whether your DH is away @Funmuma ?

Really, that’s strange. The Dad’s are rarely invited and definitely unwelcome within my friend/children meet up groups.
Single fathers are welcome. 🚨
Don’t mind them. I dislike couples who are attached at the hip.

In the nicest way op, this is my opinion- your life sounds very small. Hes right you really need to get out and enjoy life and new experiences. If you dont open up to the possibility of getting out more/meeting people and doing exciting things and activities, honestly i think he will move on. Im really sorry to say that but you sound like two completely different people now. He doesn’t want that small rigid routine anymore. You both sound young. There’s so much to experience in life than the same old routine week in week out….sorry 🥺 just be prepared

I am quite introverted and DH very sociable. we have met in the middle, I have a small number of very close and dependable friends, I am happy with that, he had dozens of friends, none of which as as close as mine, but as a bloke they're very friendly and reliable in a blokey sort of way.

I have forced myself to go to some of his functions and meet ups and as a result have had a great deal of fun with some of the wives. I am done now, I don't need any more friends but I will sometimes join him at important meet ups, especially when those other wives are involved.

I think you are in danger if losing him, your world seems very small, and he doesn't sound like he wants his to be. I would not want to go for tea and scones at my MiL on a weekend over socialising, even with people I do not know well, and I am 60.

If going out with a group of new people is overwhelming, perhaps you could suggest a smaller outing with you and your husband and one of his new mates he thinks you'll get on with.

You do sound rather rigid and it seems your husband isn't so much. Would you be alright having the night in while he's out? If so it doesn't have to be a problem, you can just do different things.

We arrange them as a group. Our husbands rarely turn up so it's usually just mums and kids.

It could be viewed that he's the one flatly refusing to participate in their established life.
He might be risking losing her.
Why does the man get to call the shots.

Because he's unhappy or he's bored. Or simply because he's doing nothing wrong by going out with some work colleagues and wanting to go out a bit more with his wife.

It's hardly a new life of crime or a demand to move to Zimbabwe.