AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

OP, I have no doubts that he was happy with your joint life. Please don't look back and have doubts.
It has no bearing on your situation if others think your way of life is boring. To me you were both safe and cocooned in your own world. How lovely.
I very much hope that your DH comes back to your world. Its possible that he's had his head turned by a new view on life. Maybe it's not sustainable for his personality. He's not really suited to it by your description of him.
Wait a few months and see what transpires.

@Havingaswimmoose

or maybe now he’s had a taste of it he wants something more even more….hes broadened his horizons from the little things world he had with OP and wants MORE!

it’s not in any way unnatural or abnormal to wants to socialise with people other than your spouse and family. It’s actually a good thing!

Well, if OP's husband compromises by doing some of the things they used to enjoy together in amongst his newfound interests, she'll also be compromising by accepting that things aren't exactly the same and trying to be happy with a new balance. I suppose she could compromise further by trying to do some new things, too, but if she tries it and dislikes it, I think that's asking a bit more than that he continue to spend time with their families, which he also enjoys (unless he's been unhappy all along).

@Havingaswimmoose

“safe and cocooned” or restricted and desperately dull?!

seems her husband thought it was the latter

He went out and go himself a life … good for him. He obviously wasn’t happy with the life you had before, it does sound rather boring.

Just because he's excited to have some new friends doesn't mean he found their old life restricted and desperately dull. Unless he's said as much, that's putting an unnecessarily negative and nasty spin on the situation. OP wasn't forcing him to wfh and focus his life around family connections only. He was a willing participant in that. There's no reason to think that he didn't enjoy their old routines. I wonder if he's experiencing some sort of honeymoon period with his new friendships and is dazzled by new possibilities he hadn't considered before. Maybe this is how he'll be forever, now, but he might just as well get bored (or annoyed by the friends) and return more to his old self.

I'm introverted as well and my dh loves socialising. I am perfectly happy for him to socialise all he wants to which works for both of us since we have children so someone needs to be home.

I think that you can't impose your preferences on your DH- just like he can't impose his on you. It seems like he was shy rather than introverted and that he likes socialising. You seem bitter over this and since you don't have kids maybe this is it for your relationship.

Even the OP was a "rando" to her husband once!

Thing is OP, things were going to change at some point anyway.

Your parents and ILs will get older and not be up for hosting so much

Your nephew will get older and want to hang out with his mates not his uncle & aunt

If you carried on as you are now you could end up with nobody except each other. You need a bigger circle and he is developing one.

You can join him or develop your own circle, but if you insist on staying in your current routine you risk ending up very lonely.

While a homebody myself and a fair few years older than you I’m sure, not to be rude but your routine does sound very boring and middle aged/older. Why on earth would a young couple want to go to their parents every week on a Saturday morning. It sounds like your husband has realised there’s a whole world out there and he was becoming old before his time staying at home or with older family members.

Echoing others, getting back out into society can be invigorating after being in a bubble for years.

There is easily room for compromise here. Life can become mundane hanging around family, believe me I know, I feel life my whole life is focused around one circle of people. I’m working towards changing that.

You don’t need to go out with his friends , but you do need to try doing some of the things he suggests just the two of you . He is growing and he would like you with him
. Nothing wrong with exploring London . Give it a go OP - you may just enjoy it - or it may not be so bad as you think it will be .

How old are you, out of curiosity?

If you said you’re 50+ I may think you’re less unreasonable. But even then that sounds like quite a sheltered, small life.

If you are younger, I think you need to live a little. Life is so much bigger than scones and tea with your in laws. There is so much to see and learn and experience!

Good for your husband, putting himself out there and living and exploring!

It seems he's found a whole new world out there that isn't as narrow as it has been or that you are comfortable with. So you either embrace it and get involved for both your sakes or your marriage is over. He won't be coming back as the person he was. A Pandora's box has been opened for him and he's enjoying what he's discovering. He obviously loves you and wants you to become involved so the way this goes will be up to you....for now.

No, not to me. that’s why i asked.

It wasn't perfect for him. You may be an introverted home body who doesn't like going out but he is not. You need to decide if you are prepared to open your horizons and live a little, or risk losing your marriage. I can guarantee you he will not want to return to the boring narrow world you have planned for him.

This is such a tricky situation for you, maybe he wasn’t as happy as you were and now he wants to explore having more of a social life, it’s not wrong of him to do it or wrong that you don’t want to but it would be hard for him to just stay home/visit family if he wants a social life. I am a home bird but I would really struggle to spend every weekend the same and only visiting in laws or my parents would drive me mad, could you go and visit new places together without friends for a few weekends to change things up? One new place each weekend then add in new people?

This sounds like you are very dependent on him and don’t like he has a new found work bubble.

Personally I don’t see anything wrong with what your husband is doing or what you are doing BUT you sound resentful so are you guys going to compromise or split? Because you can’t have it both ways if you aren’t willing to meet in the middle, same for him too

Op, I do get it. My partner didn't work for years due to illness, and since Covid I have worked from home. Prior to this we were both out and about working, daily, from 6am to 7pm in Central London, hardly saw each other, etc.

Since 2020, when I started working from home, and he couldn't work for a few years, it was SO cosy. We'd walk the dogs in my lunch break, have breakfast and lunch together, he'd start cooking dinner at 4pm as he had the time. Sometimes he'd take the dogs to his mum's house so I got a total break. It was great.

I'm thrilled that his latest round of medication actually worked and he went out and got a great job last year. He regularly stays away from home now, goes out with his colleagues when he stays away, and is out of the house for 14 hours even when he isn't staying away.

You HAVE to change your mindset, hard as it is. I too love being cocooned but it's not sustainable. We actually temporarily broke up earlier this year, after 15 years without a single serious argument. He had so much change going on due to the new job, and all the new people he was meeting, that he thought he wanted to end it with me. He put 2 and 2 together and got 6. We're OK now but it was a massive shock. Especially as I've always been the one supporting us financially because of his illness. Now here he was, out and about and trying to finish with me!

You MUST adapt. Or his head will get turned and I DON'T necessarily mean by a woman. There are all sorts of other things which come into play when a bloke has such a massive life change.

It wasn't perfect and your DH has discovered there is a world out there to be enjoyed and he wants to show it to you. You can join in or let him go - but he will go. Why don't you find a role which involves working in the office for a couple of days rather than being stuck at home all the time on your own? Find your own friends to go out with. Ask him to go to things you might enjoy - London? An art gallery, a show, a museum - these don't necessarily involve being social with lots of people you don't know but they are more interesting than tea with mum every Saturday and your DH now knows this. If you don't either find friends or go out with DH then you will pretty soon have no DH (and no tea with MiL either). Growing up is about developing as a person and you seem to have stuck in a rut and now resent your DH for climbing out of it.

I appreciated (in a sardonic manner) the way she casually told OP that she had simply married the wrong person. Grand! Problem solved.

You don't enjoy life outside him, your parents, his parents and his cousins.

He's asking you to join him outside the bubble.

A coffee shop or a bbq - it's not a big ask! If it was clubbing in Ibiza that's different.

Your DH is growing outside the bubble and he's not wrong.

You either compromise and decide you are going to try tge outside word too. You might even enjoy it. Your DH sounds like he'd try anywhere you would like to go so maybe try starting small.

Hr's not coming back to your "perfect" life. He needs more to full life. You either try to adapt or you will lose him. Bitching to his mum about him having fun is beyond ridicilous.

Because humans are social creatures. We are not designed to live within four walls and never socialise or spend time with people outside of our families. There's a reason MH issues skyrocketed during COVID - because people were forced to live unnaturally isolated and limited lives.

Marriage takes compromise and effort op. I would make an effort to do what he likes sometimes otherwise your marriage could grow apart. People do change but it’s about supporting each other.

Yabu yes, it's normal for people to socialise both as a couple and individually with people outside their family. However , if he is socialising all the time every weekend then yes maybe that's too much as he has not got time for you. You need to try and make a compromise with him. Hopefully your lives with settle on something your both happy with. A balance.