AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

This and I have been there and it made our marriage stronger. The number one concept here is compromise. Sometimes you do things together, sometimes you do things apart. It absolutely can work if both of you want it to.

Couldn’t you try to get out a bit, even just as a couple to some of the less crowded places? I can’t see what would be so bad about the Korean barbecue other than it was with people you didn’t know. Do you literally just not want to do anything or is anxiety preventing you?

I can understand why you’re sad as you thought everything was great, but I think you will have to make an effort and compromise or he will outgrow the relationship. I am much more introverted than my DP but when he wants to just sit at home I get pretty bored, on my deathbed I won’t be saying to myself “I really wish I’d sat down more” or “I really wish I’d eaten more scones”

Neither of you is in the wrong. You are happy with how things were and doing the things he now wants to do make your uncomfortable.... But they make him happy. I'm introverted and it took a long time for me to realise the things that made me happy weren't what less introverted people enjoyed. It's sad it felt like you found your person and he has changed. I think you probably need to talk about it but to those saying yoh should change too that might not be possible.

How do you know until you try. You have refused to accompany him in every example you have given. I think you are being quite selfish to not even try.

Your life is not normal for most people.

If you are happy and don't want to try or accept he has grown the you may find your marriage fails.

I love my family too but doing that most weeks was never sustainable. Life changes and even when it's hard we have to adapt

As an introvert I agree. But I’m happy to do things on my own.
Maybe he could do his family on a morning then go the afternoon/early evening. But I couldn’t do the meeting with a group, because I can only do small groups!

How old are you both and have you always lived close to your families?

When you say you were both happy with your lifestyle, I’m sure you were but I would guess your DH has discovered that there is more available to him than going to his mum’s for tea twice a week and not having friends outside of his family.

I can understand why you may resent the new job and the new him but now that he has discovered this new social life he is unlikely to want to go back to how it was. If you stay the same you will inevitably grow apart.

its up to you to either explore and see what you can cope with or let him get on with it without you.

She’s hugely unreasonable, she doesn’t want to try, resents him going out, resents him having friends, told him he’s changed and repeatedly declares he should be happy just socialising with his parents.

it doesn’t get more unreasonable.

I am going to be honest with you. Unless you change your mindset your marriage is heading for the rocks. He has discovered a world outside of your very narrow social group. He sounds like he is trying to invite you along and do the right thing. Your paths have split and you have two very different ways of looking at life.

Do you and your husband ever go out together on your own that doesn’t involve seeing family? You could compromise at weekends by going out one day and seeing family on the other.

Is that really all you want from life? I mean it sounds lovely but i can't fathom not wanting to ever do anything else.

It sounds like you were happy before but perhaps he wasn't as happy as you.

Tbh the life you described sounded very limited and small - many people would have felt quite suffocated /restricted with such an insular lifestyle revolving around what sounds like just your home/parents homes.

I think covid helped us all realise that such an insular lifestyle can be a welcome break initially but long term isnt really the best for our mental health.

It sounds a bit like you cling to your introversion as an excuse not to do anything - if you dont like crowds have you suggested something different like doing some weekends away travelling to some beautiful/remote locations to go hiking and explore? Is there a compromise possible?

I agree
Neither of you are being unreasonable
You just have different ideas of how you want to spend your time now.

As others have said - perfect for you. And you were both wfh too so not even getting outside to the office? Living in each other’s pockets and not going outside the family. That sounds less like homebodies and more like being hermits

The world is big and beautiful, your home country is I’m sure beautiful so explore outside your cosy bubble as your OH is doing and loving it. You may surprise yourself and love it too

I would feel utterly suffocated by someone who never wanted to leave the house or do things 😩

Sometimes you need to go out of your comfort zone with partners, getting to know what/who is important to them.

I'm not a fan of Korean bbq either, but I've had some great nights at Korean bbqs all the same- it's more about the vibe, the company, getting to know his work colleagues. I think you need to compromise a bit.

It sounds like neither of you ever left home, if your life revolves around your families! He’s had a taste of the real world and likes what he sees. You’ve 2 options either give his world a try or stay in your insular bubble which may drive you apart!

And wfh too - I understand it more if you’re working and commuting and need home to restore you and recharge your batteries

Believe it or not, 6 years ago his take was the norm, and yours was seen as weird. The world really changed in a short time, and things that would once have been seen as very unusual (like only seeing a very small number of people, not going many places) became more common.
But while some people think it's ok to be introverts, most people (some of whom would still call themselves introverted!) think it's good to get out and experience different things. Life moves on, and if you only ever see a small number of people, when you lose them, it can leave you with nothing. And if you try new thigs, you're bound to like some of them.

Sorry but this sounds tedious! There should be more to life than this! I think you need to mix things up a bit.

Wow this sounds like an incredibly boring existence if this is your set routine every Saturday. By any chance are you autistic

There was a similar post recently where the husband was the one who wanted to sit at home all day and do nothing with the wife or their kids, the responses were the same as what this OP is getting.

This isn't a matter of right or wrong, and there's nothing intrinsically better about being like OP or her husband. He's free to change, but OP isn't unreasonable to feel unhappy that he's changing when she preferred the way he was before. He seems to have changed dramatically and in a short space of time, which can put a strain on any relationship.

It's fair to expect him to compromise a bit and spend a certain amount of time visiting family and doing the other things you formerly enjoyed together. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's true that if he wants to do things differently now, he'll probably resent you if you try to prevent him—but I think he should understand that you were happy with the old routines, recognise that it's been a big change for you, and try to strike a balance you can both live with.

Where's OP compromising?

It was perfect for you, but perhaps not for him @newlifeoldme