AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

fair enough

but then you don't start a relationship with someone who is messy. You don't have to change your ways, but neither have they.

you leave snooty filled tissues by the side of the sink to love there forever?

You definitely need a serious sit down about this. There is a difference between leaving something for you to clean up and leaving something for himself to clean up later but you swipe in a do it because you can't stand the mess while waiting. People have different standards and it might be that you are incompatible right now. Cups lying around don't bother me but leaving cupboards open gives me the rage, dh obsesses over little stains on the carpet. Socks on the floor seems ridiculous but again does he leave them for 3 days or just until he is going upstairs? I think maybe a list of chores is needed that you write together, including a general tidy up every evening for those cups and socks etc. Include a list of absolute no tolerance things. I know a couple where the woman said the man was lazy because he didn't think the whole kitchen needed mopping every day, I agreed with him on that one. I also have a friend who doesn't 'let' her DH do certain jobs because she needs to do them right. There might be two sides to it. Sorry if I'm wrong, I obviously don't know you. Maybe he is just a lazy arse but it's worth trying to work it out now

Sorry op it’s not dyslexia he’s lazy simple as that. I have people in my life with it and they are more house proud Than some of their wives. Also a man once told me if you keep asking for something I keep ignoring you so maybe he’s not listening but he’s very capable he just doesn’t want to. Op there is a post on here very similar to this one my advice was leave everything where it is and let him run out of stuff tell him if it’s not in the wash basket it stays there also same with all his other crap. The more you do the more you are enabling his laziness.

My ex was like this, would leave dirty plates on the counter next to the dishwasher, wouldn’t put his clean clothes away and lived out of a pile.

Frustratingly he would rummage through piles of clean clothes that I would have folded and leave everything a mess to find a T-shirt he wanted.

He also had a habit of when eating takeout, he would eat straight from the container, fair enough, but he was too lazy to take the fork out of the container so would just through everything in the bin. I didn’t know he was doing it until we ran out of forks!

He was astonished when I said one of the reasons I was leaving was because he had no basic respect for me.

As divisive as the subject is, I'm sure we can agree that there's a world of difference between being a bit more relaxed about housework/having other priorities but cleaning up after yourself when convenient, and not bothering because if you leave it long enough someone else will do it.

I'm also a bit offended by the dyslexia comment, although this is based on my own family experience (DF, DB & DD are all dyslexic, but although they are perhaps disorganised, they're not dirty or lazy. DF did all the housework for at least 20 years because he was retired and DM wasn't)

I would suggest that OP's DH is perfectly capable of seeing mess and doing something about it - as she says he does do the washing up when the kitchen is unusable (so when someone else stopped doing it for long enough).

So the question is not 'why can't he learn?' but 'why doesn't he do it?'

I wonder if he has ADHD, which means he can literally be about to take a cup downstairs but forgets when his own thoughts distract him.

As for a fix,

• he is a competent professional at work, so you could ask him how he would solve this if it were a work problem and how would he deal with someone on his team who did this. I am reminded that many men are incredibly good at their jobs and capable of learning new, complex processes but still unable to do the same at home. So remind him that he is a capable person doing things that indicate he’s incapable.
• A star chart like he’s five. Stars for socks, mugs and tissues with a reward at the end of the week.

Being able to read is not part of dyslexia testing. It is a whole series of activities looking at spatial awareness, processing capacity and speed and many other things. I was recognised as dyslexic as a child and then had to get retested when doing post grad qualifications. I seem to remember being amoung the lowest 2% of the population for some things. Successfully completed my post grad and work in a professional career though.

Edited to add: I also have a tidy home ( well as tidy as living with a toddler usually is).

A star chart like he's 5?!

My dh is similar to yours OP. He leaves his dirty socks on the floor (has been doing it since 21 when I shared with a flatmate who continuously told him off for it), dirty tissues, cupboards and drawers open ..... BUT He's otherwise amazing, attentive, the best dad, loving, super intelligent, looks after himself and works out, lucrative clever career and loves us. And so what? None of us are perfect.

What on earth did you find attractive about a man who leaves snotty tissues and dirty clothes lying about the place in the first place?

But this is not being a bit untidy is it?
This is a complete lack of respect to his wife. If he loves her then he should make an effort. Maybe he will need reminding, fair enough, but he should then do as asked and not bellyache.

But that is annoying though, and wasteful. Loading up the dishwasher with a cup that's only had water in or a single cup of tea. There needs to be a balance and agreed expectations.

My DH is not tidy. He genuinely wouldn't care if the house was a pigsty. The thing that annoys me most is the clothes lying about. He's taken to piling his worn but not dirty clothes ON TOP of the washing basket lid, I reckon he thinks that's better than the floor yet now I have to remove them to get the dirty clothes out. I dump them on his side of the bed. He has good qualities though 😂 depends how much you will let it bother you and whether they expect you to pick up after them.

I'm not one for setting a low bar but it's not exactly a.porn or strip club addiction is it? Twice divorced for cheating on his wife or 3 babies with 3 different mums type situation

Of course he’s capable of doing these things.

He just can’t be arsed.

He is a lovely man at work, probably. Not at home.

Its interesting the amount of people talking about how he might be at work.

At work I am exactly the same as I am at home. As in I will faff about getting not much done, then intensely focus and get loads done. Because the work I produce when focused is of a good quality and done in good time (even if it was a frantic rush), I am well respected at work. My reputation is very good.

So yes I do well at work but not because I am any more motivated or organised than I am around the home.

I’m asking why he can’t learn, when he is able to learn other things at work.

people have told you the answer to this, and you have dismissed them, called them dramatic, insane and probably some other stuff but I’ve only skimmed.

because he doesn’t respect you as a human being. He’s sexist. This is not his role, it’s yours.

that’s the reality.

im off to talk to my daughters once again about having standards.

I’m asking why he can’t learn, when he is able to learn other things at work.

Why do you think he doesn't know what to do already? He's an adult, of course he knows that he needs to pick up his snotty tissues - he just doesn't give enough of a shit about you to bother. And you married him - so, either live with knowing that you picked a sexist pig, or divorce him.

This. This is very relevant.

a lot of responses have focussed only on the cups etc, and yes, that is simply different preferences, neither person right nor wrong, just different.

leaving used tissues for your wife to come across is a different thing entirely. Zero respect.

At the same time though, why would you start a relationship with someone who expects you to do basic things like pick up your socks if you aren't prepared to do it?

My friend warned her husband that if he kept leaving his stuff lying about (like socks on the floor, shoes kicked off on the floor instead of on the shoe rack etc) and didnt move them when he went to bed, she would bin them.

And she did.

Cue a huge row the next morning when he couldnt find his work shoes and she told him where they were. Same when he ran out of socks and had to buy a load more. It did stop him though.

Personally I think you need to accept some responsibility that you married a man as a project. You knew he was like this, so I am not entirely sure why you think he should change to fit your standards rather than you relax your standards to better fit his, which I am sure would be his argument.

Correct.

We slobs know that we're so adorable our partners will clear up after us.

You are proof of that, OP. Just own it and keep on tidying. We slobs have more important things to do.

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home.

I have worked full time while raising 2 children alone. They darn well know how to run a home. I will not let my two sons leave home thinking housework is someone else's job or that the washing machine is too complicated.
Please don't put your husbands shitty behaviour down to working mothers.
How did he learn to be successful at his job?

Yep I did this and it worked. Also wet towels left on the floor were put on his side of the bed, empty wrappers left everywhere were put in his clothes pockets. My family said I was unhinged but it worked. I have to really bite my tongue when I hear them complaining about the men in their house leaving a mess for them to clean up. He left orange peel all over the worktop one night, walking past the bin to exit the kitchen so I put it in his car. He doesn't always clear things away immediately but will acknowledge if he's left something and say he'll do it shortly when he's finished whatever he's doing, I'm ok with that.

Of course it’s not the ops fault that the ops husband leaves used tissues everywhere.
but it was entirely her choice to marry him knowing that he didn’t respect her.