AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

[ThatPeachFawn]

I’ve been dating a man for around six weeks. For info he is 62 and I’m 42. it’s been nice but there’s a couple of red flags now. Twice now he has showed up to my house unannounced. Both times I’ve been relaxing in my garden so he’s let himself in the garden gate , walked up to the back of the garden to the seating area and surprised me! The first time I was polite and offered him a cup of tea but the second time I was sitting in the sun reading my book and he just appeared then proceeded to sit down!! I actually felt quite annoyed. Does anyone else think this is a bit of a red flag? The other red flag I have is that he has as he calls it ‘a toxic ex wife’ and an adult daughter who doesn’t speak to him. AIBU to break it off?

wait? he tries to choose your food???????? Why have you not stabbed him with a fork?

All huge red flags. He’s pushing your boundaries to see how you respond. He wants a woman who will just roll over and take it. My mum’s partner is like this. Little things like taking food off your plate while you’re eating. Talking about inappropriate topics. Stories about the gold digger ex wife. Also had two adult daughters who didn’t speak to him. It turns out he has a conviction for sexually abusing them, hence why no contact and why he goes around testing women’s boundaries. He wants to know who will be easy to groom. I’m NC with them both now.

Edited to add: my mum’s partner does the food ordering thing too. Not so much that he orders for her, but they order collectively. They have to decide on, say, two starters and a main that they share and they order those and eat from the same plates like they are one person. It’s fucking weird.

Annoying she was at my sister’s house for the day. Had she been there she definitely would’ve barked at him!

In terms of the lock on the gate, I live in what you could call a fairly safe street ( if there is such a thing these days) and we all leave our garden gates unlocked for postie and delivery drivers etc but I’m realising that maybe with living on my own now this isn’t ideal! He knows my dog as he’s met her on our dog walks and although she’s bark at anyone walking in I don’t think that would put him off.

Omg yes - that’s also what he wants to do. If I say I don’t want him to order for me he’ll say well let’s get starters and a main between us and we can share it. But then he suggests the meals we’ve to share!! It’s like he doesn’t want me to make a decision on my own. My ex partner was nothing like this and we split just because we drifted apart and wanted different things so I just wanted to be absolutely sure that this isn’t what normal men are like! 😐

Omg, that's unbearable! How overbearing! Wtf does he think he is?! Toxic ex wife indeed. Fucking hell, I'd have knocked him out if he messed with my food.

lock on gate
ditch him

Do you think he was trying to catch you out with another man?

I'm 64, my DH is 65. Neither of us have ever let ourselves into anyone's garden unannounced.

I agree you should dump him instantly. And for goodness sake get a bolt and padlock for your back gate. If he can let himself in so can a thief.

I'm a similar age to him and no one has ever oredered for me in a restaurant. The kindest explanation is that he's tight and that's not attractive.

You are already sensing how this relationship should go - sound like a toxic relationship in the making - I'd end it -(plus the age gap may be an issue later on)

How will you break up with him, what will you give as the reason? I am thinking he is going to be tricky to get rid of. I would be very clear it was a final decision. I would not offer to stay friends.

Even without this creepiness, he is too old for you. End it.

OP there's a lot of ageism on this thread. My DH is 63 and the loveliest man you would ever meet.
However he's too old for you and not available. I nearly died last year and he would had a queue.

My mother (an ex DV unit copper) used to say a man who speaks ill of his wife (ex) or children has something to hide. No decent man calls a lady toxic.

Sharing food might be OK at home but in a restaurant it's teenage stuff or as a pp said he's tight.

Nurse with a purse etc comes later but he's not a nice man by his actions. Chuck him back.

Well, not really - people feel obliged to answer, and then obliged to entertain the popper-in, when it may not be convenient.

Red flag!

Also, your post about him ordering for you reminded me that my ex FIL used to do this. He couldn't bear it if I spoke to the waiter myself, so I did this as often as possible, and if he ordered for me I changed it while the waiter was still there.

I’d be getting a barky dog and ending it!! X

Yes my H is62 and similar - although doesn’t train - still has great hair, good skin and teeth etc , well dressed and not fat - works in a trendy and pretty young industry in the main, so kind of was always aware of the need to ‘look the part’ - always gets chatted up by women far glammed than me, often 40s and early 50s . But like you say, there are aches and pains, he’s got lots of very annoying habits and can moan on a par with Victor meldrew in a way he didn’t 20 yearsago.

I agree with everyone else. He's a walking red flag and you should end it immediately. He may not take it well, due it publicly, cafe or something.

Please stop seeing him or set very clear boundaries and keep to them. Once he's in, he will be very difficult to get rid of.

But it is presumptuous. To me, it sends the message that he is entirely insensitive to what she might be up to, whether she is free and willing to see him. I know a few people who seem to think others are puppets lying dormant in their boxes until that person tugs a string and expects them to be instantly free to perform and entertain them. It's weird.

You text, email, call and say 'I'm in the neighbourhood - is it okay if I come over to see you.' You don't just walk in and sit down as if you own their time and space.

Yup, lots of red flags. The garden thing especially. I'm not a fan of the "just swing by" except for really long, old, established relationships, but even if you are that way inclined, there's a big difference between knocking on the door spontaneously and hoping to be invited in and just swanning in.

As for the DD - the only way I'd accept his version of events if the story also had all the ways he'd tried to re-establish contact, if he talkled about how much he missed his DD and what he hopes is happening for her in her life now. But of course, the chances are that none of this has happened.

As for ordering.... some people do that, but by now he should have figured out that its' NOT a thing you like. twat.

But actually, even if these were not red flags for most of us, you don't like it so you have every right to end it.

YABVU to have let this happen in the first place.

What possessed you to get involved with a man old enough to be your dad and with more baggage than Heathrow? Have you no self respect?!

I would end it immediately then book into therapy, so you can work with a therapist to unpick why your self-esteem is so low and how to pull your standards for a relationship up from the gutter.

Most men who say they have "a toxic ex-wife" are normally the problem themselves but won't take the blame - first red flag. Turning up uninvited and being so relaxed about it - flag no. 2. Having a daughter that won't speak to him - no. 3.

Please end this before its very hard to get rid of him.

Get that lock on the gate, a good one as a priority.
A video bell would be a good buy too.

Walking around your house is the height of entitlement, I would be very pissed off.

He's a domineering wife and I reckon a nasty piece of work and none of his family want anything to do with him.
Huge red flag.

He has time on his hands and wants to have somewhere to hang out.

Get rid.