AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

[ThatPeachFawn]

I’ve been dating a man for around six weeks. For info he is 62 and I’m 42. it’s been nice but there’s a couple of red flags now. Twice now he has showed up to my house unannounced. Both times I’ve been relaxing in my garden so he’s let himself in the garden gate , walked up to the back of the garden to the seating area and surprised me! The first time I was polite and offered him a cup of tea but the second time I was sitting in the sun reading my book and he just appeared then proceeded to sit down!! I actually felt quite annoyed. Does anyone else think this is a bit of a red flag? The other red flag I have is that he has as he calls it ‘a toxic ex wife’ and an adult daughter who doesn’t speak to him. AIBU to break it off?

Assuming you invited him for dinner, he now thinks he has an open invitation after a few weeks and isn't going to respect your personal space. Nothing to do with his age, he's an entitled prick.

Hope you have a cameras, getting rid of him might not be straightforward, but get rid you should.

I have male friends who are in their early 60s that look and carry themselves like 40 year olds. She met him in real life and assumed he was younger, so the age gap is moot.

I get that, and I know a few like this too, but if once I'd learned the age gap, I'd feel ick.

Men who are in their 60s don't look like 40 year olds. Never. No matter how they 'carry themselves.'

Trust your gut.

And lock your side gate so nobody can just walk in!

It’s not necessarily a red flag to date someone 20 years your senior if it works for you. But this one doesn’t he’s done something you don’t like twice now and despite normally being strong you didn’t feel confident to tell him you don’t like it.

therefore he’s not the man for you!

What he can do is ring or text, preferably before coming to the premises, rather than walk in as if he owned the place.

Yeah at first I thought maybe it was because of his age - turning up unannounced was something his generation just did but as most are saying, I think I’m leaving to the fact that he’s actually entitled and has absolutely no boundaries! Another thing he does is when we go for dinner he always tries to order a meal for me rather than me just order for myself!!! Often I have to say ‘you get what you want and I’ll get what I want’ . The more I read what I’m writing the more I am wondering what on earth am I doing even entertaining this!

Just turning up is a problem and I think it’s presumptuous and rude.

Agree. The controlling ones do this. He wants to see you so he will whether you like it or not. It will gradually get more and more frequent until he's got his feet under the table then he will start getting even more controlling. Dump the twat.

https://tenor.com/idFUAkHThuE.gif

He tries to order meals for you rather than letting you decide what you want to eat? Who on earth does that? That's so weird and controlling.

Have you talked to him about it?
I don't see the age gap as a red flag - I'm in a relationship with very similar ages and he behaves like a younger man than my ex. It's a big factor but the bottom line is we enjoy each other's company and have fun together - laughing every day is more important to us than his age.

Toxic ex - depends. My partner has a toxic ex. He's not scared of anyone - can manage crowds, confrontation, difficult situations... but he thought he saw her in the local supermarket a few weeks ago and nearly jumped out of his skin. He's told me a lot about the divorce/breakdown of the marriage and how she behaved so some of it makes sense but I've seen him triggered plenty of times and remind myself in those moments there are 2 sides to every story.

No contact with the daughter would bother me and I'd definitely want to know more.

I know. I don’t let him but he’ll say things like ‘lets both get the (insert meal)’ At first I thought it was because he was just super confident but now I think he might actually just be a prick.

The meal ordering and NC daughter are the biggest red flags I'd say. But generally if there are already things giving you pause for thought after 6 weeks, it's probably not going to work.

That's fair - but that niggling ick is usually actually powered by a swagger deficiency

A friend of my DP turned up unannounced on the doorstep the other day because she was passing.
I told her DP was out, invited her in and we went and sat in the garden for an hour before she left.
I’m now worried having read this.

The difference is you invited her in @Papster , @ThatPeachFawn didn't invite this man into her garden and definitely didn't ask him to sit himself down.

The ordering food for you OP would be a deal breaker for me the first time he tried it. Let's just say I am a picky eater (nightmare to feed). Massively controlling for a basic stranger.

Even without the ”toxic” ex wife, estranged daughter and turning up unannounced, the 20 year age gap is enough to end it.

End it, don’t stay with him, you’ll end up as his carer!

The turning up unannounced is bad enough. The twenty year age gap is bad enough. The crazy ex wife and NC daughter is bad enough. Someone ordering for me in a restaurant like I’m a five year old? Absolutely not! I’d walk away from this one.

Why are you going after such an old man?

im just a little older than you and a 62yo is grandpa category. Those are red flags if anything

I know. I think he sort of swept me off my feet for the first couple of weeks and I tried to convince myself that the age gap didn’t matter. I initially thought he was a lot younger. Interestingly he never revealed his age until I asked him on the second date! I would never normally go for someone his age. I don’t know how or why he’s managed to reel me in but it’s time to get out for sure. Especially when you add in his odd behaviour.

Yep this. ^ This is what a lot of divorced (and widowed) men aged 50+ are looking for. They don't want love and romance and companionship. They want a maid, a chief cook and bottle washer, and someone who will be a carer for their elderly parents. (Then will be a carer for him when he needs one in about 15-20 years.)

I know each to their own and all that, but I can never understand a woman who goes for a man old enough to be her father. I just can't see the appeal at all. There's an imbalance of power, and he will always see you as a bit beneath him/there to serve him/do domestic and care duties.

Waste no more time on him, end it. He isn't ever going to be the one.

Just turning up and marching into your backyard without an invite or at the least texting first to see if it was ok to drop by is literally trampling your boundaries. Huge red flag. Rude and entitled.

Lock your gate.

Toxic ex and no contact daughter? Probably bullshit.

Ordering food for you like you're a little kid? Controlling.

Ditch this guy.