AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

[ThatPeachFawn]

I’ve been dating a man for around six weeks. For info he is 62 and I’m 42. it’s been nice but there’s a couple of red flags now. Twice now he has showed up to my house unannounced. Both times I’ve been relaxing in my garden so he’s let himself in the garden gate , walked up to the back of the garden to the seating area and surprised me! The first time I was polite and offered him a cup of tea but the second time I was sitting in the sun reading my book and he just appeared then proceeded to sit down!! I actually felt quite annoyed. Does anyone else think this is a bit of a red flag? The other red flag I have is that he has as he calls it ‘a toxic ex wife’ and an adult daughter who doesn’t speak to him. AIBU to break it off?

For reference, you are never unreasonable to break things off with someone if the vibes are off. You don't owe people anything.

I think he is taking too much for granted by turning up without phoning first. That is rude, he surely wasn't 'just passing/. However you must tell him it's not on and find out why he did it. It smacks of him thinking you may be entertaining someone else and feels insecure - or he could just be cheeky.

Ask him what he means by 'toxic ex'. She is the mother of his child so couldn't have always been toxic. I'd want to know why he doesn't see his daughter.

On the other hand you could just end it now before you are too involved. Personally I would be wary but intrigued.

Good luck.

Get rid and then do some work to figure out why you got taken in by this kind of shit in the first place, so that it doesnt happen again.

Yep soon he'll be deciding where they will be living together and what OP will be cooking for him every night while she works and he enjoys his retirement.

I don’t agree with the ‘it’s what that age group did/do’, because I am of that age group and wouldn’t dream of it.

But it would seriously piss me off; it seems like entitlement on his part; and he’s too old for you. I know this, I am married to a man in his sixties ( joking, sort of)

Seriously? It's obviously up to you who you date but I would not consider a woman of 49 dating a man of say 62 as 'insane' at all.
I don't think many people would to be honest.

They're both well into middle age at that point.

Edited for typos. Message is the same.

I agree that 42 to 62 is kind of ok now, but 62 to 82 is not. You would be throwing your early old age away on caring for someone in their late old age.

aarrghh nooo! I cannot think of anything worse. Even close family don’t just drop in. My home is my sanctuary, if you want to come there you need to arrange that. Huge red flag for me and would definitely dump him.

I voted YABU by accident when scrolling - sorry OP! This sounds like something my dad would do... I'm your age and he's late 60s. He is incredibly entitled when it comes to women. Maybe I'm projecting, but his behaviour coupled with the fact that he talks about his ex and daughter like this makes me think he is likely to be a chauvinistic narcissist. I would be prepared for him to belittle you and shift any blame when you raise this with him. If he doesn't acknowledge and respect your wishes, definitely red flag and end things sooner rather than later.

Get rid of the wrinkly old cock lodger ffs

This is not age related behaviour, I am older than your boyfriend and I would never just turn up. Make your house secure and then end it. My sense is he may not be very accepting of you ending it and may seek to persuade you to continue dating him. Forewarned is forearmed.

Like a postman, delivery driver, window cleaner? Do people really keep their gardens locked? How do those who need to get to the house do so?

I wouldn’t be happy with unannounced visits, but that’s a general need for privacy and the right to be on my own. Someone entering the garden isn’t in itself an odd thing to do, though - how do you get anything done when you are out/at work if the place is like Fort Knox?

FWIW, if you like him I would tell him you’d prefer arranged meetings to ‘surprise’ ones, and if he still does it I would dump him. It’s more than possible that he doesn’t realise he’s crossing a line though. Have you been to his house?

What else can he do but let himself in? He can go away!

Yes.
I'm only viewing it from the 'yuk' factor perhaps.
I mean it's obviously not inappropriate in a creepy way but yes there is the becoming a carer aspect.
That's a different issue and I hear what you're saying.
I suppose if you like someone enough you'd take the chance of them being healthy and not needing a carer but your point is valid.

After 6 weeks he is not your partner. He is someone you are getting to know.

@PrettyLittleRose How people carry themselves is a key metric in how they are perceived. Upright posture, bounce in the step, well groomed, greys deleted, well put together outfits on slim, athletic and toned frames. They exist - you just haven't knowingly met one yet.

The age gap doesn't necessarily matter if he's otherwise the right man for you.
Turning up unannounced doesn't necessarily matter - unless you've told him not to.

Ordering your food is patronising and controlling.
Referring to his toxic ex is childish and suggests he hasn't moved on.
But the real deal breaker for me is his no contact with his DC.
Enough 🚩🚩🚩 to deck out Stalin's birthday party.

I don't see how you can say it typical, I have never done it, would never do it and neither does anyone I know unless they are really really longstanding friends and have been told to. Everyone I know keeps their garden entrances locked unless there is a reason to leave it open, eg gsrdener day or window cleaner day.

Just for the record I’m 63 so one of the oldies who apparently think it’s ok to just turn up at people’s doors. Only us oldies don’t actually do that, none of my friends or family would do that, yes even the ancient ones.

71 here

Where was your dog when he let himself in? Just occurred to me. Our gate is bolted not locked then there’s a second gate but if anyone opened it to come into the garden the dogs would go mad.
They're loving friendly family dogs but the male in particular is very protective of me around men (except DH)
He does sound controlling and entitled I’d move on.

When I was younger I was trapped in a big age gap relationship.

I appreciate there’s exceptions but after getting out of that, nothing would ever sway me into a situation like that again. You’re only 42, enjoy life with someone around your age or younger!! Don’t let yourself be trapped into dealing with a grumpy old man.

Visiting people unannounced used to be the norm and I am younger than him - everyone is so much more precious about their space and time and I don’t think it’s really making people feel better overall

ASSUMING that after the first time you clearly told him to not do that then he’s unreasonable . But it sounds like you didn’t so that’s on you. He’s just different. And probably wondering why you never pop by

However splitting up sounds like the best thing for you

A child who doesn’t speak to him is the biggest red flag IMO.

I would make sure you keep your gate locked. Not just because of him but for the security of your house

It's all a bit odd about him, but the oddest thing is, you said nothing about not liking it the first time he did it, so he did it a second time and now you've come and complained about it to a bunch of strangers. You had opportunity to express your concerns but didn't. So even if you get rid of him, you still remain someone who doesn't assert what they want. You expose yourself this way to being an enabler of all sorts of bad behaviour. So. Regarding future relationships, YABU.