AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

[ThatPeachFawn]

I’ve been dating a man for around six weeks. For info he is 62 and I’m 42. it’s been nice but there’s a couple of red flags now. Twice now he has showed up to my house unannounced. Both times I’ve been relaxing in my garden so he’s let himself in the garden gate , walked up to the back of the garden to the seating area and surprised me! The first time I was polite and offered him a cup of tea but the second time I was sitting in the sun reading my book and he just appeared then proceeded to sit down!! I actually felt quite annoyed. Does anyone else think this is a bit of a red flag? The other red flag I have is that he has as he calls it ‘a toxic ex wife’ and an adult daughter who doesn’t speak to him. AIBU to break it off?

Does he explain why he tries to order for you? To be honest it would be it at that point for me. No one messes with my food!

Did he give it to you, or did you just see one lying around and walk off with it?

62 isn’t ancient. I am a 62 year old female and wouldn’t dream of just letting myself in the back gate of anyone I know. Even on a short notice visit, I have called a friend and said I am unexpectedly in the area, do they have time for a cuppa. Ordering meals and random, unannounced visits is not a generational thing. It’s a rude bloke thing.
Sounds like he has plans to get his foot in the door. Massive red flag for me, whatever his generation.

42 to 62 is an issue for me, as she’ll likely spend her retirement as a carer.

Its a boundary violation and a test
To see if you let it go, then he gets worse

Dump Op but be very careful
Bolt and lock the gate, Ring door bell etc

I don't mind people dropping round unannounced. But they should knock on the door or text me to say 'I'm standing outside'. Nobody sets foot uninvited in my home (except my kids). I took the precaution of acquiring a very barky dog to that end (she won't bite but she looks as though she will). Anyone who knows me and her well enough to walk straight in is welcome, anyone else can stand on the step and knock.

I agree with those who say that this bloke is trying to erode any boundaries you have so he can move in. Give it another six weeks and he'll be at yours more nights than he'll be anywhere else. Age doesn't matter, behaviour does.

Put a lock on your gate, or a bolt that can’t be reached from the garden side. This is for your added security and in case he comes round after your ditched him.

So looks are all that matter?

I’m curious (appalled) by this too - when men do this, is it bc they want to test boundaries by seeing if they can dictate what you eat and other choices with no pushback? Or they’re choosing the less calorific option bc they want you a certain weight? Or they’re cheapskates and choosing the cheapest thing on the menu? What did you sense OP? Obv you can’t speak for all the arseholes who do this but I’m intrigued as to what their rationale might be. Anyone?

Also, the not calling ahead and his generation - I guess they didn’t have mobiles so it’s a habit they’ve had to get used to, or some just haven’t - but as common mobile usage has been in existence for over 20 years now you’d think he’d acknowledge that it can be used for this function, but form what you’ve said I think he’s just an entitled arse and is maybe relying on you being younger and a woman and too polite to put him in his place.

This is an illustration of power imbalance within large age gap relationships. God knows what he’d have been like to a woman in her 20s when he was in his 40s.

I’d say this is worse than the garden situation. Incredibly pushy, no thanks byeee.

Tbh, I think the popping in without an invite could be a generational thing. My mum and her mates would just pop by and if they don't get an answer on the door just go round the back.

As for the toxic ex wife, we have no idea as we have no context of the situation. He could be twisting it or she really could be toxic.

But I think the age gap is a concern, especially as he seemingly deflected you asking.

I don’t think, nor did I say, the age gap between 49 and 62 is insane (but it would be my personal preference not to as I don’t want to be late 50s and dating someone in their 70s). I DO think a 20 year age gap is insane though. I’m not saying there won’t be plenty of anecdotal evidence of people who know couples with that age gap that work perfectly well. But I would absolutely not want to be 60 and with a man who is 80. This, to me, is insane.

Same here! Admittedly we’d been chatting online for 6 weeks due to Covid lockdown but the week after our first date he came to mine! I’ve always loved it when we were dating and DH turned up to surprise me! Admittedly he had to knock on the door to get in as there’s no side entry!

I’m not one for generally liking people turning up but in our case this was a man I cared greatly about and loved spending time with.

However if you’re uncomfortable with him just turning up then you need to speak to him.

62?! Wtf. Even if he’s the best guy in the world you need to ditch him if you’re looking for something long-lasting.

A few good years with him at best, and then you’ll be managing his mental and physical decline before becoming his full-on carer. Not at your age. Not with no existing commitment to him. No no no no.

Nonsense, it is not normal for 60 year old to turn up at someones house unannounced 6 weeks into DATING. A friends house, sure, but not dating.

Im not sure why you mentioned teenagers, was it to try and imply OP is acting like a teenager for not being thrilled at this mans overstep?

It is not moot, because looking 40 (which I highly doubt) isn't the same as actually being 40.

Agree - most of us have ring type doorbells that notify us in the garden that someone is st the door - and if not, you text. But really, I would never drop in even to a good friend without texting to see if they are in and open to having a visit. I know we did that 50 years ago when I was a kid, but we’ve not done it for more than 20 years now.

and yes, he is too old…

I'm sorry, I don't follow

It's not typical among any of my contemporaries and I'm 68. My dad, who would be 95, would do this, as would their neighbours.

"I think he sort of swept me off my feet for the first couple of weeks"

Thats called Love bombing!! i know its flattering but its THE major RED FLAG you should be looking out for.

The meal thing definitely odd. It used to be a thing for men to order for women, but I’d say that at 62 this man is too young for it to have been common when he was in his twenties/thirties. I’m 65 and no one ever did it when I was young.

As to the garden, surely it depends on the set-up. No one can get to my back garden from the front because we have a high gate which is always locked.

In the house I grew up in, the only gate was to the front garden. Once you were in that, you could very easily walk round to the back garden. If someone came to the door and no one answered, we wouldn’t have thought anything of them coming round the back to see if we were in (assuming that they were friends/neighbours).

Get rid. Ordering your food is bad enough but 20 year gap is crazy

"Popping round" is surely Ok if you ring the bell/knock & then leave if no one answers?

It's not an age thing-it's a him thing.

62 here, turning up unanounced is NOT normal we are the generation that peep out through the curtains to see whos knocking and if we will let them in or not.

we will also ignore your phone calls if its made at an hour we consider abnormal, IF you had a phone growing up it was on a table in the Hall and you called us AFTER 6 and befor 9 unless it was an emergency

I suppose it all depends on what function the relationship serves. Is OP looking for a life partner or companionship/dating partner? If the former, his age will become apparent in a decade or so, limiting their active time together, so his age may matter. However, if the latter, and he presents as a younger seeming person that she is attracted to, it does not.