AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

[ThatPeachFawn]

I’ve been dating a man for around six weeks. For info he is 62 and I’m 42. it’s been nice but there’s a couple of red flags now. Twice now he has showed up to my house unannounced. Both times I’ve been relaxing in my garden so he’s let himself in the garden gate , walked up to the back of the garden to the seating area and surprised me! The first time I was polite and offered him a cup of tea but the second time I was sitting in the sun reading my book and he just appeared then proceeded to sit down!! I actually felt quite annoyed. Does anyone else think this is a bit of a red flag? The other red flag I have is that he has as he calls it ‘a toxic ex wife’ and an adult daughter who doesn’t speak to him. AIBU to break it off?

You’ve only known him for 6 weeks. At this stage he’s not a partner but still very much a casual acquaintance.

You can end it for whatever reason you want. If you’re spotting so many warning signs at this early stage I suspect it’s better to cut your losses. Turning up unannounced shows a want of boundaries but attempting to order my dinner would finish me off, I think. Shades of Cal from Titanic!

My grandfather was born in 1918 and died aged 90. I never once saw him do this!

I read about that Colonel Russell Williams who also let himself into women's houses. Please please please get a lock on your garden and dump this man.

And what about at 80 and 60? OP still working, him retired and likely in need of care? Of course its a huge age gap, hes old enough to be her father, most women arent into that - sorry if that bruises some male egos.

I don't see the big deal with unannounced visits in themselves.
But sounds like it's not just that which is the issue...

Personally I only think arriving at someone’s house is a red flag if you don’t like him!!! The other thing is a red flag even though it does depend on his circumstances- ie it might be true and the daughter might not talk to him because of the mum but ye don’t sound like a match anyway

Yes, when a letter would take too long and people didn’t all have house phones.

Not now when almost everyone even DH
has a personal phone

Why have you never put a lock on your gate before? A good time to get one.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don’t think it’s a generational ‘thing’. I’m 60 and wouldn’t turn up announced at someone’s house. The main thing for me would be someone trying to order a meal for me (and not speaking to his adult daughter a close second).

Er, I think the age is a red herrring. I like much older men, funnily enough aa usually they seem to have better social skills! Good lesson learned though OP, no telling them where you live for a longer period of time. And if they bad mouth exes? Bye bye.

DH and I are in our early 60s and he knows if he tried to order my dinner, he'd end up wearing it... That's something that maybe died out in the early 60s, before we were born...

Also we haven't lived in a vacuum the last 60 years - social mores and tech have changed on our watch and we've changed with them! We invented a lot of it!

But red flags are red flags - he's put off one wife and daughter and is looking for a younger woman to take over the 'duties' of both of them, sex and care, eww... he can't believe his luck and is trying to get his feet firmly under your table, to mark you as his territory, his property...

Trust your gut! And if you fall for anyone else in the dog park, I hope he has a wet nose and a waggy tail! 🐶

You are the next toxic ex.

Get rid of him fast. Don’t be kind, say you have met someone else, a body builder, and frighten him off for good.

I'm a similar age to this bloke (the similarities end there!) and I don't think any of his behaviour is due to his age, it's all about him being a controlling creep. Get shot of him love, but get a lock on your gate first in case he thinks he'll come round to "discuss" things.

You know what to do.

Thanks everyone, this has all been so helpful. For those asking why I’m even on here asking if he’s a walking red flag, I think deep down I’ve known but just needed the confirmation. He’s the first person I’ve dated since the end of a 10 year relationship and I think I was flattered with the attention but actually you’re right it sounds like love bombing. Truthfully I also really enjoy my single life with my little dog and I’ve been telling myself that that’s the reason I’m losing interest and just ignoring the massive red flags! I felt really really uncomfortable when he walked into the garden - even the arrogance to just sit himself down, grinning away as if I’d be delighted to see him was unbelievable . I’m going to get a lock today. Sadly no camera but I’ll get that sorted too.
He hasn’t spoken to his adult daughter in 7 years ( she’s 23) and when I asked him why he said it was ‘all the toxic ex’s fault’ and that she’s never given him an explanation as to why she won’t speak to him, so he says he doesn’t know! Definitely time to get rid.

OMG the ordering for you is like something from Mad Men or something.

Yep, sling him to the curb and get a lock for your gate. And he’s too old for you. You don’t just rock up unannounced and sit yourself down like you’ve know each other for a lifetime. What a dick.

🏃🏻🏃🏻🏃🏻

I'm a couple of years younger than you and there's NO WAY I'd date a 60+ year old! He's definitely single for good reasons.

@ThatPeachFawn , it's hard getting back into the dating market after a long relationship. Take your time. Don't necessarily think of your next relationship as a forever relationship. This guy does not sound for you. And that's fine. Bolting the gate is a good call - both figuratively and literally. Onwards and upwards!

DUMP!

I’m almost his age - no one I know of my age orders for someone else. This is like something from an American show from the 80s.

Ant yes, get a better, lockable garden gate.

YABU To be asking or to be thinking about the reason. You’ve dated 6 weeks and if you now don’t want to date then finish it. There is absolute no reason to be giving it any thought.

@Pistachiocake Many of my friends are in his age bracket and I don't think any of them would turn up unannounced so I don't think it's typical for a certain age. It might be more common in some areas or communities.

I would hate anyone to turn up unannounced and I make that clear to my friends. If a new acquaintance didn't know and came round unexpectedly, I'd forgive them once but tell them that in future I'd like to know beforehand.