AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

[ThatPeachFawn]

I’ve been dating a man for around six weeks. For info he is 62 and I’m 42. it’s been nice but there’s a couple of red flags now. Twice now he has showed up to my house unannounced. Both times I’ve been relaxing in my garden so he’s let himself in the garden gate , walked up to the back of the garden to the seating area and surprised me! The first time I was polite and offered him a cup of tea but the second time I was sitting in the sun reading my book and he just appeared then proceeded to sit down!! I actually felt quite annoyed. Does anyone else think this is a bit of a red flag? The other red flag I have is that he has as he calls it ‘a toxic ex wife’ and an adult daughter who doesn’t speak to him. AIBU to break it off?

I don’t even go round to see my mum without checking it’s convenient so someone I’d only known for six weeks letting themselves into my garden would be a huge no. Adding in his supposedly toxic ex-wife, an estranged daughter and the fact he tries to control what you eat when you go out, I’d be running away very fast.

What more do you need? I don’t understand why you’re even asking because you know you don’t want him or his behaviour. What more is there to say?

He will be hard to dump. Get that lock on the gate quickly.

Well I'm my 70s and I wouldn't go to someones house and let myself into the garden unannounced. I dont think anyone of any age would.
Its your friends way of being the boss I think, especially when you mention him ordering, or trying to order, for the both of you.
I dont believe its an older person thing, its just rudeness and a bit controlling.
He is much too old for you also, so I would just get rid and find someone younger.
Mind you you could find a younger man could act the same so get locks on your back gate ASAP if its that easy to get into your garden.

Ughhh the ordering is prime misogyny. Get rid.

No. Intrusive.

Totally agree. His entry into your home is to assert dominance

Maybe, yeah, if I was sleeping with them.....

it’s a Yuk and Chuck from me.

sounds like he might hard to get rid of though, you will have to be very firm. Like PP I’m also not sure why you’re prevaricating, why isn’t this enough for you to dump without having to ask the internet?

Toxic ex wife cos she had a garden gate lock I bet

Yes, a lot of disgraceful ageism on this thread!

Hmmm…….perhaps he’s lining you up for his keeper/carer for when he retires 🤔🤔

He doesnt have to be a red flag for you to have decided you dont like him. I wouldnt over think it, if he irritates you end it

Bit early in the relationship for no holds barred intimacy. She might still prefer to be dressed and groomed before meeting him. As opposed to wearing gardening shorts, crocs and a bra, for example.

Unless she is actually toxic and has turned the daughter against him.....it does happen

I can’t see what is wrong with surprising you, people are weird these days over what upsets them. Having no contact with a daughter is making re concerning

Hes a prick. Get rid. Lock your side gate

Toxic ex wife, estranged daughter ... big red flags.
I suspect your sixth sense is telling you something is wrong.
LTB, as they say.

I had a key to my now dh’s house from the second time I stayed (so I could let myself in the next time as I’d arrive when he was at work)

End it. If he was a a keeper you would want to see him all the time and this probably wouldn't bother you.

Okay, Brad Pitt is 62, I wouldn't put him on the 'don't date' list.

Let's assume for a moment that this guy is just misunderstood (just for a moment).

I'm 62, my DH is 64 (I don't care if I'm being ageist). We've been married nearly 40 years, hope to stay that way for some time yet, but he is starting to have some minor health issues. I'm now really having to be quite pushy with getting him to take better care of himself. I've always assumed we would have a long and active retirement (not that any of us can really plan these things).

These minor health issues my DH has have meant that I'm suddenly really noticing older men and the health issues that come with age for all of us eventually. It's frightening at times, really starting to see what could be ahead for any of us. But, after such a long marriage, it will be a case of in sickness and in health.

But, apply this to your new man and a 20 year age gap when you are 62 and he is 82. He may look young now, but the likelihood is that you will become his carer. In your 60s you won't be travelling the world and dancing your cares away, you'll be dealing with a slowing of life, a decline in mobility and quite possibly far more.

Now, if this guy does look like Brad Pitt (or whoever you fancy) and seems perfect in every way, you may well decide it's a risk worth taking. But, he's not, the meal ordering, a toxic ex and a daughter who doesn't speak to him are very big red flags. Do you really want to risk taking this guy on? Even if he seems good for his ages now, he's got plenty of obvious faults. Throw him back and find someone who is more suited to you.

DP is 61 and looks much younger, works out and trains a lot and pays careful attention to his nutrition and self-care, very lucky with skin, teeth and hair etc. Handsome man and gets attention from women as he's charming and funny. But there's no denying the real wear and tear of the years, and there are definitely 'structural' things like age-related 'aches and pains' that give his age away. At 42, I would give it a hard swerve!

Also, a man who makes unannounced visits is all about gaining access and it doesn't stop -he'll be inserting himself into areas of your life where he has no business to be and because you'll be worn down and no longer sure about what's reasonable, it'll be hard to hold your own boundaries.

And toxic ex and NC adult DD? He's not a keeper. Imagine what would have had to have passed between you and your DDad for you to go NC.

Yes I mean I would (hopefully) be able to gauge where we're "at" in the relationship to know if it felt appropriate or not....plus I'd probably be doing a lot of making my presence known with calling out before I got in the garden.....but yes I can obviously see how it could be seen as CFery and would deffo want to be groomed myself.

Yeah once you get to 42, 62 is not a giant age gap like it would be if you're 17 and he's 37.

I think it indicates a mindset who thinks ageing is a linear progression.

I have a new relationship and he would never dream of showing up unannounced. Not ever.

This age gap is also insane. I’m 49 and I wouldn’t date someone in their 60s.

One “toxic” ex by itself isn’t a deal breaker, but throw in an estranged daughter and all the rest and I’m afraid it’s curtains.