AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

[ThatPeachFawn]

I’ve been dating a man for around six weeks. For info he is 62 and I’m 42. it’s been nice but there’s a couple of red flags now. Twice now he has showed up to my house unannounced. Both times I’ve been relaxing in my garden so he’s let himself in the garden gate , walked up to the back of the garden to the seating area and surprised me! The first time I was polite and offered him a cup of tea but the second time I was sitting in the sun reading my book and he just appeared then proceeded to sit down!! I actually felt quite annoyed. Does anyone else think this is a bit of a red flag? The other red flag I have is that he has as he calls it ‘a toxic ex wife’ and an adult daughter who doesn’t speak to him. AIBU to break it off?

Swept you off your feet = love bombing
ordering your food = controlling
letting himself into your home uninvited = a fucking cheek
He needs to go.
Add in the ‘toxic ex’ and NC daughter, he needs to go twice

I think he will be a very hard person to get rid of @ThatPeachFawn. I hope I am wrong.

His behaviour is very odd, and I'd bin him off for being presumptuous in turning up, and controlling at the meal.

The unasked for ageist comments on this thread are utterly nauseating.
For those who like the the half + 7 malarkey, the OP is not being snatched from her cradle.

Yeas @ThatPeachFawn I completely agree with you he is a walking red flag 🚩 🚩🚩

I'm more confused about what you're doing with a man 20 years older than you.

I had someone do this many years ago after seeing them 3 times and drive 80 miles to do so - he turned out to be very controlling and on reflection I suspect he was trying to catch me out with someone.

SIX WEEKS?

He barely even knows you, for Christ’s sake. Of course it’s a colossal red flag for him to turn up unannounced and let himself in. He’s an absolute loon.

I’m kind of amazed you’re on Mumsnet asking permission to dump him. I’d have dumped him and blocked him the moment he randomly turned up at my house.

Are you drunk?

My partner of 6 years is 60 and I’m 40- we have a fantastic relationship. This isn’t an age gap issue, it’s a creep issue. He sounds a bit awful op.

I’m 59 and if someone dropped round on me once, I’d be peeved, but twice in six weeks, I’d assume they’re going to do it all the time, I’d have to stop it right there. The only men I know my age who have toxic ex wives, kids they don’t speak to, and a gf 20 yrs younger than them who they try to control, are certainly not the good ones. And the thought of sleeping with a 79yo man (20yrs older) makes me gip 🤮

At his age he is looking for a nurse with a purse.

She’s probably informal and friendly. Some people grow up in a neighbourhood or family where stopping by is accepted. Especially, those in their sixties and over. If the other person didn’t want to deal with it, it was just assumed that they’d say something like, “Thanks so much for stopping by, Bob. But this isn’t a good time. It’s best to call or text me beforehand so we can plan for it.” The visitor would just say, “Oh, sorry, Jill. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll see you later.”
BUT. Lots of people weren’t brought up this way, and it’s a mistake so early in your relationship for him to just come in your garden.

Yeah I think he was trying to catch you with someone else, I don’t buy this “just wanted to see you” nonsense.

I can't believe so many people are focusing on his age. Seriously, this is the least of all the red flags. If he was 40, his behaviour would still be not acceptable.

OP, there is nothing shameful about being attracted to an older man. This is not the issue. The fact is, he is controlling and you hardly know him. I would end it based on his behaviour, not his age.

The "popping in" I could somewhat get around as personally I'm not a fan of the fact that we have to call or text constantly instead of just seeing if someone is about.

The popping in combined with the age gap combined with the daughter who doesn't speak to him , combined with the apparently toxic ex, combined with the food ordering, would absolutely be enough to put me off.

Sounds like you've worked out what you need to do OP - it's a shame but ultimately at least you've swerved this early on.

Hell no, I’d have ended it after he showed up unannounced. He’s testing your boundaries. Put him in the bin OP.

If I liked someone none of what you mentioned would really be an issue

but don’t think your that into him so anything is a massive issue

hand on heart I never thought going into someone’s garden was such a no but it seems as though it’s classed the same as walking into house

I'm firmly team red flag.

Theres a laundry list here already the one i would add is its not just the fact he doesnt have the EQ to understand the garden is crossing a line as an action - he either doesn't have the EQ to read the room / your horror or does and did it again anyway. Both are a No.

Agree with posters up thread he is also looking for cleaner / maid / nurse hence enthusiasm to lock it in.

More generally
I'm 42 amd cannot imagine dating ANY 62 yr old 🤮 it would be like dating my parents friends.

As someone who went NC with their own father i can confirm its not something anyone does likely.ķ

the ageist comments jees, 62 is hardly ancient.

My concern is that if he can walk into your garden anyone can.

It’s not about texting to see if someone is about.

it’s about texting to see if it is convenient for them to have a visitor. If they are ok with it. Respecting their preferences.

Not your preferences in foisting your possibly unwanted presence in them when they could be busy or simply wanting to be alone and they can’t get you to leave.

Referring to his ex as toxic and an adult daughter that doesn't speak to him...? That is a red flag.

Plus just showing up like that would be a big NO for me!

I'd be ending this as it is already rather creepy.

Yes. The turning up announced while irritating is not a red flag.
The age gap is not that significant at their age.

The not talking to his daughter, though, is a giant red flag.

You can end a relationship for any reason, or for no reason at all. You don't owe anyone a relationship. I'd end it for several reasons....

• he's too old for you
• he sounds controlling with regards to deciding what you order at a restaurant
• the turning up unannounced and letting himself in
• describing his ex as 'toxic'
• having an adult child who doesn't speak to him - why?

My priority would be getting a lock on that garden gate. If he can get in, so can any random stranger on the street. As a single woman, protect yourself. If you don't already have one, install either a Ring type doorbell or a window cam. They'll alert you when anyone approaches your front door.

After 6 weeks that's too intense. After a year as a suprise maybe (although letting himself in through the gate rather than calling through the gate to see if it was alright I'd not be happy with) but I really hate unannounced visitors.