Inheritance and DH

[iht]

I’m about to inherit about £62k from my Aunt. My plan was to pay off the mortgage of £22k and invest the rest. My DH has made a few jokes about how I could give him some. We do have separate finances because we met later in life, and I had a house and he didn’t.

I had an inheritance a few years ago and paid off his car loan and also paid off our wedding debt of £10k. I also had paid for our honeymoon.

The thing is, he’s one of life’s spenders whereas I’m a saver. It means he rarely has savings, but I do. He has 3 cars worth about £35k total.

When we met he had about £18k on credit cards that he was defaulting on, and I helped him to get an IVA to get out of the mess he was in.

He now has about £4K on a loan and £4K on his credit card. So basically £8k in debt and I’m going to have £80k in savings after I pay off the mortgage. I feel if I gave him money he would just spend it on rubbish.

He will be getting circa £65k lump sum next year from his Pension and when his mom passes he will get around £800k, albeit that could be 20 years from now.

WWYD. I feel bad having £80k savings when he has £8k debt. But similarly I don’t want to be giving chunks of money away. This inheritance will be my last btw.

I was married to a man whose money just went in his account and straight out again. Credit card after credit card I settled but he just got more. It finally hit him home in our divorce settlement when I was awarded the house because he couldn't get a loan to buy me out. Despite earning 3 times what I did plus a forces pension. Yours wont change. Keep your accounts locked down

I'd probably treat him to the holiday but that's it. It's not a life changing amount and he'll still benefit from not having to pay towards the mortgage.

He lives rent free. If he has debt thats on him.

Id pay off the mortgage. Id do jobs around the house and have some fun money left over.

Keep the money in your name. Invest it and give him half the income each month. This protects the money but also deals with your feelings of guilt.
Or pay down some of his debt each month from half of the income.

Why does he have 3 cars, yet has a lot of debt? He has the means to pay it off himself if he sells a car.

There is no guarantee he will get this, what if his mother needs care?

Tell him you’ll match what he gets for selling one of the cars!

Absolutely not should you give him more money. You’ve paid off debts for him before. If you want to pay for the holiday as a treat he ought to be pretty grateful as it means he gets to keep £3K towards his debts. You know he won’t pay some of it off though don’t you?

How much older are you? I’d have the real ick about someone like that and I’m stunned you married him. Of course he now has a claim on your house

Jesus Christ. And you put up with this situation why? I wouldn't let a user like this know the first thing about my finances. But then I wouldn't get involved with anyone who saw me as a walking wallet.

He is not reliable with money. You are. Keep the money, it will benefit both of you long term to have it.

This, tho prob best to have it in LARGE PRINT 🤨😊

Don’t give him anything! And don’t subsidise him further, it is up to him to afford the lifestyle he chooses. There is no guarantee you will benefit from his inheritance when it comes & agree with other posters, he could easily spend it on more fast cars and other luxuries instead of treating you as you have treated him.

Keep your money ! Dont get him in the habit of you paying for everything because he has none unless you are confident he will also "treat you" when his money comes in... Share the holiday cost or he will never be responsible with money and it will keep getting worse!

Why did you marry him then? You know he is now legally entitled to half your house.

I know you’ve indicated that you are not in England, but if he’s been paying part of the mortgage on the house for the last 15 years, how can you say with certainty that he has no claim in the event of your death?

Don’t give him anything you helped him enough and next time don’t tell him about it , the money is yours and if you have a kid you can do something for your child a husband who expects money from me gift or otherwise won’t sit right with me say you have plans for the money , consult about paying off the mortgage too does he help with the payments ? Men should have financial responsibilities even if you are capable or there is no balance in the relationship , his debts can be paid by selling one of his cars , if you give him anything it will be money down the drain .

Every adult needs to have some money of their own that they don't have to account to anyone for. It is especially important for women to have some financial independence, as well as any shared funds in the marriage.
Why are you paying for all meals out, etc? That would really piss me off - not so much about the money itself, but that a man was willing to keep taking and not contribute fairly.
Keep your in heritance money OP, Downplay the amount, and invest it. You may be glad of it one day.😄

I wish I'd had someone like you in the past, instead of being the one with the assets. I'm still trying to exit a supposed joint investment from 17 years ago! But I've now been with someone for 9 years who has more than me, and 'finances' was an open discussion point when we got together because we'd both had costly experiences. We have a joint account with equal contributions for day-to-day expenses. We have the same wealth manager, and know what each other has, but we keep everything separate. Don't give him any more.

By paying off rhe mortgage, im guessing his monthly contributions for the household will also reduce as it will only be utility bills left? If thats the case, surely he can spend that bit extra each month he will have paying his debts off and will still be better off for you inheriting even without you giving him money?

Keep him as a pet, if you must. If you think the rewards are worth the expenditure. Otherwise, I'd be pointing out the whereabouts of the door.
You've got a right CV there.

How about saying to him if he clears the credit card debt in say six months or a year you will clear his loan? That way you have helped him out but he has taken some responsibility, if he doesn’t clear the credit cards it tells you enough about his spending habits that you wouldn’t want to give/lend him any money anyway.

Sorry been at work all day. I’ll try to answer some questions.

I’m 3 years older than him. I’m 56 and he’s 53.

I have 2 adult children, he has none.

My kids have no idea how we sort our finances, it’s never discussed. I have helped my kids with house deposits and weddings already.

If we go out with my kids for a meal, I always treat them. They are almost 30, but I choose to do this as I have the means.

I married him because I love him! He may be rubbish with money but he’s otherwise a good partner and a good man. He has done things for me that go over and beyond. He’s never let me down. He’s loving and kind, he’s funny and handsome. He’s not tight with money, if he has any spare cash he buys me gifts. My fear when he gets his £65k is that he’ll do something reckless like buy me a new car- mine is old and I don’t want a newer one, but if he has cash I can see him just doing that anyway.

Re the house, where we live even though we are married he has absolutely no claim on it if we divorce. He has paid half the mortgage for the past 15 years, but it doesn’t matter, that’s just how it works here. I don’t feel guilt about that, if he was single he would have spent triple on rent and have nothing to show for it. Whilst he technically has nothing to show for it, it could be argued that from December onwards he will have no housing costs for the rest of his life.

I'm genuinely surprised at the responses, I honestly thought that people would say it was unfair for me to have savings whilst he was in debt!

Don't give him a penny

If you had children together and HE had taken a career hit for the family then you should not allow him to be in debt while you have savings. But this is so far removed from that scenario.

It's also why the presumption of 50:50 in financial divorce settlement in England is unfair for women with higher financial status than their male partners. Equality seems to have snuck in quite the advantage for the leeching male partner in a marriage. No sacrifice and £££££ gain.