Inheritance and DH

[iht]

I’m about to inherit about £62k from my Aunt. My plan was to pay off the mortgage of £22k and invest the rest. My DH has made a few jokes about how I could give him some. We do have separate finances because we met later in life, and I had a house and he didn’t.

I had an inheritance a few years ago and paid off his car loan and also paid off our wedding debt of £10k. I also had paid for our honeymoon.

The thing is, he’s one of life’s spenders whereas I’m a saver. It means he rarely has savings, but I do. He has 3 cars worth about £35k total.

When we met he had about £18k on credit cards that he was defaulting on, and I helped him to get an IVA to get out of the mess he was in.

He now has about £4K on a loan and £4K on his credit card. So basically £8k in debt and I’m going to have £80k in savings after I pay off the mortgage. I feel if I gave him money he would just spend it on rubbish.

He will be getting circa £65k lump sum next year from his Pension and when his mom passes he will get around £800k, albeit that could be 20 years from now.

WWYD. I feel bad having £80k savings when he has £8k debt. But similarly I don’t want to be giving chunks of money away. This inheritance will be my last btw.

Keep your purse well and truly zipped up!

It's his choice to have £8k of debt, because he could just sell one of his cars and completely pay it off. He's not in desperate straits; he's choosing to spend over his means.

If you want to do something nice for him, pay for a nice holiday for you both. But don't give him cash, it'll disappear!

May this relationship never find me.

Keep your money to yourself you’ve paid off joint debts which he should be grateful for. You need to speak to a financial advisor about how to protect your assets but as your married he is entitled to half should you split.

As she’s said, that could be in 20 years time. Are you suggesting she just keeps subbing him in the meantime?

He’s a spendthrift and relying on everyone else, not attractive in a partner.

Awful idea.
Firstly, he won’t pay it back. He won’t have the money to pay it back, because he’ll spend every penny he gets.
And secondly his inheritance is not guaranteed. Why don’t people grasp this? Several of my friends have lost their parents and none of them have inherited anything after the care home fees are paid.

If the roles were reversed, though, ie he were inheriting, the 'brigade' would take a totally difference stance, his inheritance would be joint family money. Not that I think she should bail him out again but the MN hypocrisy is as ever staggering.

He is bleeding you dry. You know that right? He is living well beyond his means and spending your money to bail him out. Regularly. And do you honestly think he will reciprocate with treating you to everything and paying for everything, as you do now? I don't.

Yikes. I'd reevaluate your relationship and set some new boundaries, and that could include ending it ultimately.

And ftr, he wasn't 'stung' in his previous divorce. There was a reason it was split the way it was; it's rarely as unfair as men make out.

No it’s your inheritance not his. Why on earth did you marry him?

Honestly, I would really struggle to respect this man. I couldn’t be married to someone so casual about finances. DH has passed away now but we had a pretty similar outlook on money. We never argued we both had savings and we had a similar amount of spending money. These shared values were very important to us both.

Yanbu - don’t keep enabling his debt. wtf does he need three cars for anywhere?

In Scotland an inheritance or gift doesn’t automatically become part of the marital pot unless you spend it on joint ventures such as paying off the mortgage but even then it’s only the part used to pay off the mortgage that becomes joint property. Keep it in your own not a joint account. I’ve no idea where you’re from but I really like this element of Scot’s law and don’t understand why it doesnt get adopted elsewhere.

I’d been stung by a previous divorce and there was no way I was up for merging finances again.

You married him! What did you think the marriage contract was?

You've already helped him a fair bit financially , he sounds fairly well set up, and he could sell a car to pay off his debt. I would keep your money.

What’s he likely to spend his pension lump sum and eventual inheritance on? He’d be well advised to buy himself a property, because despite paying half the mortgage for 15 years if you pre-decease him he’ll be homeless.

That said, your inheritance is yours and you’ve gifted him plenty in the past. Tell him firmly what you’re doing with it and not to ask again.

He has also been paying for half the mortgage for 15 years on a house which he has no claim to, and by your own admission will be generous when he gets his pension and inheritance.
With both of this coming worth over £1/4 million, I'm not surprised he doesn't really care about finances too much.

I think you’re mad to suggest treating him to a 6k holiday!! He sounds like a user and you’re letting him! He needs to stand on his own two feet and be able to get out of all his messes himself. He’s a grown man. You enable his stupid spending by helping him out each time! He’ll never learn or curb his spending if you keep bailing him out! Oh and please leave your inheritance to yourself. Keep it for you

He could sell his never used sports car, pay off his debt AND pay for his half of the holiday.

Nope, sorry, some people are just spendthrifts ...and in his case, he's expecting you to subside him. Repeatedly.

id just offer to pay for the holiday?

Well it sounds like he is not good with money and you already pay for a lot so no I would not give him any of the inheritance. If he wants to clear his car loans he can sell one of his cars.

Has he suggested that you should give him some, or is this coming from you?

If you really, really struggle with having the money whan he has debt, would you be more comfortable if you said you will pay it off this time (and pay it off for him, don't give it him to pay off) but no more?

I would give him 10k, pay off his debt and then a bit of fun money. You absolutely dont have to but that's what I would do. I wouldnt want DH paying interest on a loan while I had money just sitting in the bank.

my god! He saw you coming didnt he @iht
you are already bankrolling him and yet he's chipping away at you, trying to break you down, make you feel guilty so he can get more money from you

is he a spendthrift like OP's is?

Honestly I would just say I am not giving you any money because he'll just waste it and you think you need the back up of savings. Tell him if he wants money, he's got 3 cars and can sell one of them.

I don't know what the law is where you live but you might want to take advice before you share the inheritance. My undersatnding is in England is if you share part of an inheritance then it all becomes part of the marital assets in event of divorce, but if you keep it completely separate then it's yours. I think this is also the case if you use it to pay off a joint mortgage (although it doesn't sound like he pays into the mortgage)

No. Find a safe savings account for the money and squirrel it away for your future. If he hasn’t learned money sense by now he never will and you watching him fritter away money that could provide (both of) you with a financially secure future with a pot of money to cover unexpected expenses would only lead to stress and argument. You know that in a few years time he won’t have a penny of his lump sum left, so tell him that is his mad money to do what he wants with but you are hanging on to yours!