Hand hold needed - away with cheating DH

[Kelkell]

Changed name as a regular poster and don’t want to out myself.

I’m away with DH and our two DC currently, we have had a few rows in recent months and haven’t been intimate for a while either.

I have spent the first few days of the holiday (we’re here for 10 days) running around after the kids, co-ordinating the on site clubs and basically not relaxing. DH has spent most of his days led pool side with his headphones in and a drink.

He has been on his phone a lot more than on recent holidays. So when he was in the shower last night, I looked at it because I was suspicious.

There are numerous messages between him and another woman. Time stamps when he would have been pool side. One really hurtful one said he has a ‘beer and the sun, I just wish you were here too so I could see your milk tankers in a bikini’. She’s equally flirting back, it made me feel sick reading.

I managed to bring this up without the kids present, he said what do I expect when I won’t go near him anymore. Just really cold. He’s doing his own thing today, and I don’t know how I’ll get through the rest of the holiday 😥

Yes, if you can, go home and leave him there.it seems like you don’t have a marriage anymore.

My ex always used to try and ruin holidays as well - getting drunk, staying in bed all day, throwing tantrums because I said we couldn't afford to buy whatever ridiculously expensive thing he wanted that year. Took me 10 years to ditch him!

Get your ducks in a row, OP, keep a diary of his behaviour and don't worry, you'll be much happier in the long run.

And if you want to be petty, keep muttering 'moo' and laughing.

For the first but not the last time today, "What the fuck is wrong with men?"

Oh god @Kelkell - he really is not covering himself in glory, is he? If he's passed out for the day, can you take the time to do something nice for you and the kids. Take them off on a boat trip or to explore a different town or beach?
Or if there's a kid's club where you're staying, can you put them in the club and use the time to get online and make contact with a divorce lawyer and work out your next steps?
Or research flights home if that's an option.
Can you also speak to friends or family IRL? It would be good to have some people to rally round you as soon as you're home.

Why should she ruin the children’s holiday?

💐sorry you are going through this

Wow. Hardly trying to make amends. He has clearly checked out.

You are quite right to be furious.

Is there a kids club the kids could go to so you can leave them somewhere they will be safe? He will clearly be in no state for child care.

Go home.

This is not a holiday
It is going to go from bad to worse, your marriage is failing and he is becoming increasingly problematic. This isn’t fair to your dc. It’s not even safe.

Just go home, leave him there, get your ducks in a row. You need to divorce him asap. There is no coming back from this op.

Going home isn’t an option, it’s not the kids’ fault and they are still managing to enjoy their holiday - I’d be selfish to do so.

I have done some tentative searches for a lawyer but some of the prices are eye watering. I’ll do a more detailed search today

Tell him it’s over and ask him to leave. Sorry you are going through this.

Do you think it’s good fun for them seeing their father get absolutely plastered around the clock, woken up at 1am, feeling worthless because he ignores them? No.

I am speaking from experience, a child in this scenario lives constantly on egg shells.

How can this be a healthy environment for any child? I am sorry op, but you are in the throes of a serious family crisis. It can’t be business as usual. He is mocking your complacency and worse. You are vulnerable - not at home - no support. I honestly can’t imagine how you are going to continue like this.

The kids won’t care if it’s 1 parent or 2.

All lawyers are expensive, but worth it to negotiate a good settlement.

That piece of shit is your children’s role
model op. This is what they see as their future and how relationships are. How men behave and how life is. They have no reason to question it, and accept it as fact as children.

If you are not prepared to go home, then he needs to move out of the apartment. It’s not actually safe to have such an intoxicated adult male near them.

You may not need a lawyer for that much if you can come to an agreement mutually - personally I would set out in your head what you want working from 50/50 and childcare arrangement and go from there, doesnt matter if you could potentially get a lot more if it’s what you are comfortable with and if he agrees, saves costs and the genuine stress of nastiness that comes in if going to and fro with lawyers for quite a long while -Obviously if he doesn’t agree, bring in the Rottweilers! I know someone who had a perfectly good deal offered, decided to try and get more, ended up with 45,000 more but similar in costs and a lot of stress

It'd be the absolute end of the marriage for me, just on 'milk tankards' alone 🤮

Milk tankers???? Fok off!

Take a deep breath and just get through today.
How many days do you have?
Are the kids OK?

Oh my god OP, poor you. He is awful.

I would consider coming home early, promise the kids some fun treats to get them on board.

You don’t need a lawyer for a divorce. You can just do it online and figure out the specifics with chat gpt.

I’d get hold of her number and text her from your phone to say he has syphilis so best steer clear

You have no idea what assets they have. The law is pretty prescriptive - in 99% of cases the cost of a lawyer will outstrip any additional value they bring as the law sets out the rules of who gets what. In most cases lawyers are just repeating the rules (which can be looked up online) and charging £££ for the privelige

Situation sucks, sorry you’re dealing with this.

Book a day trip for you and kids, leave him alone and get your head around this. Then tomorrow take the day for yourself, or better still, have this evening in the bar chatting to some man “just as company for the evening”.

How old are your kids?

Am sure this has been said already, but take this time to back up account info etc [specifically mortgage info as you will be entitled to a half share - he won’t be able to ‘keep the house’ unless he buys you out with his share of the 50/50 split of all assets. And book an appointment with a divorce solicitor when you get back - you may even be able to arrange one via zoom this week and get the ball rolling before you even get on the plane.

This would mean you could take advice on whether to pack up the children and leave to stay with a relative, or whether they feel you should ask him to leave. BTW I think having him leave is the right tack, regardless of whether he wants to - he is being abusive, so take screen shots of his phone and write up as many of the convos as you can remember - not for the divorce itself but so that you can contact a women’s refuge support etc to get advice on how to get him out of the house now. You may be able to get an order via your solicitor along side divorce proceedings, requiring him to leave immediately due to ongoing abuse and make him stay away from the home unless by prior appointment/seeing the children and you are chaperoned. At least until the house sale goes through or you have come to an arrangement over asset splits. Sometimes men forgo the share of the house in exchange for retaining 100% of their pensions and other assets - so it is important to pull together as much info as possible.

TLDR - contact an solicitor now and get a zoom appointment booked asap if you can; download and collate all the finance stuff re house and other shared assets.

Don’t have anything to add except I hope you’re doing better today and that you quickly realise that he is not a prize to feel bad about losing. The things he has said are disgusting.
Good luck with your divorce, it will be hard but you will feel better in the long run. X

Is there any chance the hotel has a spare room he could be parked in? Then get yourself packed and ready to leave for the airport. If he's constantly drunk then he's not safe.. the hotel might help under the circumstances. Particularly as it might upset the children.

You can only deal with what's right in front of you right now. If its too expensive to leave early and the kids are distracted by being on holiday, then that's what it is.

You will be home soon enough.

Forget thinking this as a holiday.. because it's more about a coping situation. But you sound like a sensible and logical person, dealing with a very upsetting situation. You will get through these few days. And if the kids are enjoying the distraction of being away, well that is a compensation of course, at least they are distracted with things to do.

He deliberately got so drunk so that he didn't have to have the kids today. He doesn't want to be helpful in anyway. He's hoping that will really get to you. Ignore him. He is useless and so is any explanation you may get out of him. Its pointless to even ask, (he's dying for you to ask by the way, so he can turn it all into your fault, so don't let him), He thinks he's making a big statement by sitting by the pool drinking all day and refusing to participate in the holiday/ignoring his kids.

Do things with the kids to while away your time until you can get on that plane and set about getting him out. Wait until he realises that his big showcase means nothing and that everyone would rather get on with their holiday without his contribution. You will get through this and be home soon where you can deal properly with things. So sorry you are going though this

How do thick, stupid men like this one manage to get a job paying over £100K?