AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

But do you really think it was harder than if you were doing a job and had pressure to bring in income on top of the household duties?

If they have pre schoolers and are doing all childcare in an active way plus the rest of the domestics, I'd say they work very hard indeed . If their children are in school, less so. If they also have help, I'd say their lives are very easy indeed. That doesn't necessarily make them lazy though. Some fill the time with activities, excercise, community stuff etc.
I have met some very lazy people who work full time tbf. Always delegating, dodging and working at half pace. This is far worse as it impacts their colleagues. Whereas if a SAHP is lazy it only effects the partner who's keeping them, and that's their business.

This thread is so obviously AI.

Whenever things get a bit quiet on AIBU ..... quick, bang out a title with 'SAHM' in it. Literally anything will do.

Then watch it go to 1000 posts with the same old tropes and insecurities, rehashed over and over and over. It's just to get user figures up.

Getting divorced is not lethal!

Your question is really, would you quit your job if there was a 42% chance you might have to go back to work at some point?

on SAHM threads I always see the same line about 'just look at all the posts on here from SAHM who's husbands and left and now they are buggered...'
but you know what I also see loads of posts about?
Married woman working full time and having husbands who still don't take on equal childcare / housework. Or they've been left and do work however still in trouble and have to make life changes because they can't afford to house or their lifestyle on their own.

I guess life comes with risks whatever we do!

Depends on the situation. 3 kids under 5, no you’re definitely not lazy as a stay at home parent- you’re probably exhausted!

2 teens in full time school with no additional needs? Yeah it’s probably easier being at home than at school because you’re on your own in a peaceful house for minimum 6 hours a day.

also depends on your job. You could be in a really stressful, exhausting job and think that being at home would be easier or a chilled low stress job which would definitely be easier than being home.

there are too many variables.

unfortunately of course it's often not as simple as just going back

Lazy? No.

However, I personally associate being a SAHM as also choosing to be a housewife, and do wonder why so many SAHM are shocked that they have no time for themselves, left with the household chores and "mental load" and may struggle to find employment years later. Yes the DH or partner should do 50/50 when they are home from work/days off, but in reality that doesnt happen. Even if you have a proactive DH, the kids mostly want mum (in the early years) or the mum is too exhausted to do anything for themselves in the evening.

I'm talking about people who are SAHM through choice, not those who may have children with SEND, job loss or their salary does not cover childcare costs.

You are making a lot of assumptions. I would have been financially sound if my husband had left. Thankfully.

I think they’re naive and foolish to financial rely on another person. Of all my divorced friends the SAHMs are the ones who have really struggled financially and been stuck with a lifestyle much worse than anything they had a a single woman or married woman.

Rubbish. Research shows that daughters raised my working mothers do better for themselves in employment and sons raised by working mothers are more equal partners when they have their own children because they grow up seeing the parenting and providing roles shared. Multiple studies have found that children of working mothers outperform the children of SAHM's because it demonstrates the ability to balance work and home responsibilities and models a strong work ethic. They also tend to be more respected by their children when they are adults too.

Anecdotally, I only know two SAHMs, both are lazy with school aged children but still refuse to work. Both are also poorly educated and both families struggle financially. They are perpetuating that cycle because the adult son of one treats his wife like a maid as he's never done anything for himself and he thinks laundry etc. is women's work and the school aged daughter has no ambition because she thinks work is optional and she doesn't want a job. She'll just have babies like her mum. And find some poor fucker to finance that I assume.

I'm currently a SAHM
I worked for pretty much 30 years barring maternity and redundancies.
I have 2 DC with SEN and related low school attendance. It got too hard to manage both of us working with at least one of them home every single day so I had to leave my job.
I dream of the "6 hours to yourself while they are at school" - that has happened just ONE day in this calendar year.
So yeah. If I have a slow day as I am today (3 loads of washing done and put away, multiple meals made, charity donations and food shopping top up done, tidying and cleaning bathrooms) maybe I am lazy. Or maybe I'm just resting a bit while I can.

If a couple can afford it, and they both want it, then great.

I was bored at home, not enough to do, and wanted adult company more, so chose to work through the child rearing years, in the 80’s .

Other people feel differently. 🤷‍♀️

i also do this now, although I’ve retired now due to ill health. Are you able to apply for carers allowance? If you don’t, it may be worth it for your NI payments towards a full state pension if you’ve not yet reached the minimum for a full state pension

Some will be lazy some not will be lazy. Some will just have married someone who earns so much and is so busy that is better to support the family from home. Specially if you do not have support from family or friends or leave abroad. Most American mums I met in London are like this. They are far from lazy they do nice networking for the family and are part of the school community like class representatives or PTA. Bake cakes, organise parties, holidays, manage busy households so far as I can see not lazy at all.
I know mothers who worked and hate or envy SAHMS. They can’t afford it.

I am a SAHM and literally couldn't care less if someone thinks I'm lazy. Honestly, I am a bit lazy tbh and would rather do this than work - especially as I'm secure financially and could, if I wanted, go back to my career. I'd rather not though lol.

Sure, but just under half of marriages end in divorce.

Marriage is a strong underpinning for a family and provides good financial insurance.

Its not a lifelong subsidy which enables one person to be economically inactive for decades.

Honestly, who cares. People are only nasty and judgmental when they are insecure.

SAHM are lazy
Working mums are selfish and leave someone else raise their kids

You have an only child, you are selfish.
You have more than one child, you are selfish too.
You have more than 2 children, not only you are selfish but unfair on the other children.

Whatever you do, someone will always think they are entitled to an opinion and someone will criticise you. It's only about THEM, not about you.

I don't know why being a mum suddenly gives the right for people to have an opinion, no-one judges you if you are part time or full time or not working before you have kids.

Why do people always jump straight to jealousy? It's so unimaginative and very irritating.

People who have a problem with SAHMs and think they're lazy aren't jealous of them, they think they're setting a bad example to their children, that girls will grow up to be unambitious because they didn't see their mother have their own ambitions and that sons will grow up to expect their wife to do everything in the home because that's what their mother did. Those gender roles are ingrained deep.

Just like SAHMs who have a problem with working mothers are jealous of them they think they're neglecting their children. It's obviously not true but that's what they think.

Both sides condemn the other side because they think it's bad for the children, and as mothers, we care about children's wellbeing and want them all to have the best lives. It's not as petty as jealousy FFS.

Who cares? I’m a sahm with full time help and I don’t think I’m lazy. If someone disagrees well, it doesn’t really matter to me.

its not widely known. It’s very obvious from your posts that you think you are superior because you do not work

I don’t think SAHM are lazy at all if they have young children at home. I understand the choice to stay at home when children are small although it wasn’t something I wanted for my own family.

However, I am intrigued by the SAHM on this thread who say “I could easily go back to my career”.

how do they know this? There is a jobs crisis atm which makes it very difficult for anyone to find work, let alone people who have been unemployed for a number of years as they have been raising children. It seems extremely naive to assume you can “easily” walk back into a decent job.

I do not believe for a second anyone is judgmental because they think they're setting a bad example to their children😂
If it's your spouse, fair enough, but randoms around you?

Many SAHM are highly educated, had careers that paid well enough they can afford to become SAHM, they have contributed in the house they live in, many have savings, interests.

SAHMs who have a problem with working mothers are jealous of them they think they're neglecting their children.
the difference if a SAHM is really that jealous, nothing stops her from getting a job

Reminds me of people who are so against the rest of us WFH, because they pretend all we do is watching tv all day. It's all about them, not us!

I don't think SAHM's with young children are lazy. I do think some SAHM's can over egg what is required to look after young children and a house though and act like shopping and doctors/dentist appointments etc either is this huge mental load that takes all day or happen all of the time when it comes to things like the latter.

Compared to, say, a single parent, sahp are super fucking lazy.