AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

Again I think this is area dependant - in poorer areas not as many mums can afford not to work. In the richer area I lived about 60% of the mums were SAHM for a year or more when kids were school age and they all got together, did day trips and courses and a lot of socialising and charity work. I don't think it always means someone is sitting at home alone all day wishing they had a friend to talk to.

Well, I have done both - worked FT, with a commute and employing different kinds of childcare(childminder, nanny-share, day nursery and au-pair), I’ve done part-time around school hours(ok in term time, just, nightmare in holidays) and I’ve done Sahm and managed by reducing my income and overheads.

So I can absolutely say that in my case, my life as a SAHM was miles easier, more relaxed and lazier. I had more money worries, but I learned to budget better. I did lots more work in the house, but I could (can!) do it at my own pace, rather than cramming it in before and after work (never earned enough after paying for childcare to employ any domestic help).

So my life as a Sahm was lazier, but so what? What kind of numpty really believes you can combine two jobs in the same number of hours in the week and be less busy?

Can I say how glad I am that you all say Stay at home mother" that Full Time Mother.
I always found that so hurtful .
I worked always. No maternity leave in South Africa when my kids were babies. I worked and relied on nanny.
52 years I have worked only to retire just before my 69th birthday.
I never stopped being a mother...its ALWAYS full time.
But I do admire women who can stay at home.
Being a proper home maker is a job I was not interested in. Childcare to me was irritating and boring .
I loved my kids but they grew up in a society and place where they were able to be a bit wild. No shoes. Open spaces. Come home at sunset.
Nowadays it's really hard work keeping them entertained .

You’re not doing everything that a SAHP does though - if you are working full-time then you are outsourcing 40+ hours of childcare per week that a SAHP is doing.

For pre-school children who have no childcare at all in place. I work 35 hours a week and during the school term I 'outsource' about 6 hours of childcare a week (assuming that DH doesn't count as outsourcing as he's their dad!). I have three hours a week where I am neither working nor with the children. Of course life would be loads easier if I was at home with 30 hours a week childfree. I don't want to make that financial sacrifice, though, and don't resent others that do. As I said upthread, I think being a SAHM to school age children is a massive luxury, but why shouldn't people who can afford it spend money on massive luxuries?

When children are pre-school age, I think it makes sense in many circumstances for parents to be with their children more and work less, if they can. That could range from SAHP to part time working. Once the child starts school, there’s much less argument for it, unless the child has complex needs or there’s some other specific family circumstance.

The challenge can be finding work that fits with school hours, allows pick-ups, etc, so I can understand why some might opt out of working even once their children are in school. Lots needs to change in our society to make the lives of working parents more straightforward.

That said, I don’t think the tasks of running a home usually equate to needing to be a SAHP once children are in school. It’s not like generations past, where the washing and cleaning was really hard physical work, food shopping required going to multiple different shops etc.

The worrying thing about SAHM/D is that they’re solely reliant on their partner, lose any skills they learnt in previous jobs / at university ext and have no chance of a half decent retirement income, so tied to their partner so god help them if the partner leaves them! Even the state pension is for those who pay in their NI for 35 years I think it is, so even that would be reduced / unobtainable potentially. I think gone are the days where there was a housewife and an earner

I find this such a weird take. What's the point of getting married at all if the whole time you have to act as if it would make no difference to you whether you were or not?

I got married to be part of a team. If I wanted to be self-sufficient, I would've just done that and not bothered getting married.

No, I don't think they're lazy, but as others have said, those of us who work full time, do what they do and a job, so I do think that is generally objectively harder (both in terms of physical and mental load). This varies depending on number of children, special needs, resources etc. But the huge payoff ofourse is in terms of professional advancement, economic independence, sense of self, etc. Ultimately, people make and live with the choices they make, so it isn't anyone else's business to think or pass judgment on what others do.

This

Even when mums and parents like myself are working, we are still parents. We are still "on-call 24/7" the same way stay at home mums are. If our child is sick, or there's been an emergency we need to be there. We still have to do night wakings, nursery and school drop offs, arrange appointments, play dates, admin etc. We still feed and clothe our kids. There's no switching off either. We don't come from work and it's the day over and time to switch off.

On MN, everyone is busy with full time jobs, children, life and busy busy busy
but they seem to have an awful amount of time to spend on social media 😂

In real life, more than half the mums I know are SAHM, and most of the other half works part-time. I can think of a handful of mums who work full time, and they have LOTS of family help.

No one is calling anyone "lazy", everybody seems happy that the SAHM are available to take the kids when school randomly has to close (water leak, elections days etc), and that SAHM are the volunteers at school!

It's just jealousy. If someone is happy with their own set-up, why would they even care what others are doing.

I'm sure there are some SAHM who are frenetic workaholics, some who are bone idle couch vegetables, and everything in between.

Would you fire a gun at your head if it had a 42% chance of killing you?

42% of marriages end in divorce.

I work full time, 2 kids, no outside paid help... parents in another country. I'm knackered.

My life would 100% be easier if I did not work... having an extra 8 hours a day is unthinkable.

Of course working parents do more....

This. Title is different to what you think.

However, no I don't think SAHM's are lazy. Someone needs to look after the children and so paying for another person/nursery to do it so a person can go to work isn't lazy.

Perhaps, it's easier to offload the children to another and go to work. Children can be very hard work, much harder than some of the management roles I've had.

it doesn't mean it's 42% of married man who ask for a divorce for a start.

I think this is what causes so much debate.

In real life, I know no SAHMs at all. A handful of my friends work 4 days a week or 5 days compressed into 5. Otherwise everyone works full time.

I am on the PTA committee and every single volunteer we have works too.

I am sure there are some areas of the country that are as you described too - but for me the sahm thing is an 'only on Mumsnet thing'

I am yet to meet a lazy mother or woman for that matter, I am sure they exist somewhere. All of my friends - working or not are flat out, so I don’t buy this at all in the real world!!

Well yes but you need to break down the numbers further

This includes second marriages (which are more likely to end in divorce as are 3rd, 4th ……)

If you marry younger more likely

If you have financial stresses more likely

Most things are a bit of a gamble. But a happy marriage and family, with no money worries, married a bit later to make sure, stay at home a decision both adults decide and respect, no where near 42%.

Isn’t this discussion about whether it’s unreasonable to think stay at home parents are lazy?

I don’t have to work, I bring in money but can do it on my terms, our whole household prefers this arrangement, I have lazy days, as does H, no amount of judgement from others is going to inspire me to drag my carcass out, get 5 weeks holiday a year for at most a tenth of what H earns.

Both H and I have a better lifestyle with our arrangement we absolutely are a team and both of us would be lost without the other. We both work hard to maintain this.

I know we are lucky in this day and age to have this choice. Or it may seem like luck from the outside, it isn’t entirely luck.

In my social circle it was quite common to be a SAHM for a while at least, so everyone else knew how hard it was.

Awful Post. Why?

I think once the kids are at high school, they’re more of a housewife/house husband. Looking after kids of school age is obviously a lot easier than pre school age. It’s a choice I would never make for myself but I don’t really care if they’re lazy or not, it doesn’t affect me.

In real life, I know a few women who are SAH wives I guess, if that's even a description.

Never worked, never wanted to, never wanted children either 😂

Good for them, couples seem to be a hell of a lot happier than so many of the bitter posters on MN. (honestly, some of the posters on here are scary they are so angry and bitter)

Some sahp are quite lazy, some working parents are lazy too. Some humans are lazy.

a sahp could spend all day cleaning cooking meal prepping kin keeping etc for their family . Or they could sit on the sofa watching loose women and going on their phone. Most probably do a bit of both.
the sad thing is lots of working mums still have similar home workload to full time sahp so of course they are working harder and will feel resentful.