AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

Again, spectacularly missing the point. You'd think someone creating medicine would be able to think a bit deeper.
You can do BOTH you know. The SAH parent takes care of the house and life stuff. It doesn't mean they are at home because their life passion was the house chores.

It's good you both have your little part-time jobs and can alternate. Other people have jobs that need to be full-time. Other families also have more than one child who's only at nursery 😂

Why can't you comprehend that many other women are enjoying taking a break and concentrate on their kids and don't let their brain go to rot just because they don't get a pay check. Just because you claim to only be able to learn etc in a specific work environment doesn't mean everyone is the same. Other parent also enjoy to spend time with their kids and dont' need some work recognition.

It's your own inability to thrive that you are projecting. Not as great a role model for your daughter as you think then.

No, you don't. You love them, you nurture them, you play with them and give them lots of lovely experiences i'm sure but you do not provide for them. You don't provide their clothes or shoes or the food they eat or the roof over their head, your husband does. That's why men have always been referred to as "providers" "bread winners" etc.

Mums are equally responsible for providing the things a child needs in my opinion.

Oh dear someone's upset.

If you honestly think you can push the boundaries of human knowledge in your kitchen, that's wonderful.

We're thriving just fine, as is our daughter, who is more likely to be an independent woman because she's seen equality and independence modelled at home. As much as you believe women going out and achieving in their right means they need approval and can't thrive at home, I will again point you to the research that their children are more successful for witnessing them do it. Sorry that riles you so.

You are funny. you can push the boundaries of human knowledge
You do have a very high opinion of yourself I give you that 😂

If you were that secure in your own choices, why do you care so much what other women do?

You seem to be unable to comprehend it's not all or nothing? SAHM can be just as educated and successful as you, probably more, financially better and then decide to have a break. And the beauty of not being a single mother? You share. You want your 50/50 split, others want to spend more time with their children.

I am amused that you think you are the superior example. This will be long forgotten in 20 or 25 years, which is a shame. It would be interesting to see what the children have achieved. Mine are much older than nursery, and looking at them, I am not worried let's put it that way 😁

Trying to convince yourself that not only SAHM are incapable of independence, but their children are penalised later in life by their example is brilliant.

How much food and clothes your child needs? 😂
If dad earns enough, who cares if mum is not paying the bills. If she needs to, she'll get a job.

You realise that often, it's mum's income that allowed them to buy the house they live in now and the family current lifestyle is based on the 2 income pre-children?

It's just nice to be able to spend years with kids and not have to go to work after 9 or 12 months. It's also great to have at least 1 parent available for every school holiday.

You like to work, no-one is stopping you. Others have worked, might go back to work, there's always a job somewhere if you really want one, but enjoy years with their kids that will never come back.

You can have a successful career even with a 10 or 15 years break.

Gosh this thread is awful. Women attacking women for their parenting choices.

It's baffling to me that anyone would consider their choices would be greeted with uniform approval.

It's baffling to me how much people care and need to make vile judgement about other people's life choices that don't affect them whatsoever.

Why would anyone want approval or disapproval about their private life? No one cares. Do working mums really need approval? Or asked for opinion because they decide to work 5 hours a week, or 3 days or 6 days? Do mums having roles including a lot of travel, or mum who are posted overseas for weeks or months care about approval or disapproval?

But if you attack someone, expect them to call you out.

Yes, this question of ‘independence’ is an interesting, and debatable, one.

I can guarantee this Miss Independent poster would need to make changes herself if her husband left, all of my friends who work are still reliant on their husband’s salary. None pay for everything themselves, or could sustain their current lifestyles alone. Not quite so independent after all.

SAHMs are criticised for being dependent on their husbands financially, but plenty of parents are extremely dependent on own parents, ILs, nurseries, childminders, nannies, schools, etc.

I watch numerous ageing GPs who are really tired and struggling on the school run having swimming lessons, homework, all sorts dumped on them by their highly dependent adult daughters/DILs for the majority of the week. Women of 40 still having their dinner cooked and washing done for them by their mother/MIL! I would die of embarrassment treating my mother like that. That needs calling out way more than it currently is. They need to grow up!

SAHMs roll up their sleeves and get on with things themselves! When I was a teacher I had a team to delegate to, a cleaner, supply teachers, school cooks, all sorts of help. I’ve never felt less dependent on others!

Yes, it tends to happen that certain career women simply cannot cope when they encounter a happy SAHM/housewife…still plenty of proud housewives around…deal with it! 😂

@SerenaCat93 - you keep banging on about your 'stats' because you have no actual life experience of SAHMs but clearly some weird bee in your bonnet about them nevertheless. Why are you on this thread at all? Have you asked yourself this?

Also, your stats are crap and have no context. It's not about looking down on women on benefits. It's about the obvious fact that a woman who is a SAHM due to low earning potential is a very different demographic to a woman who is a high net worth family but a SAHM though choice. Does this even need explaining?

Equally, your 'stats' are nonsense because they do not account for how long a woman is 'not working' for. Again, a woman taking a year off for one child is a very different proposition to a woman who is a SAHM indefinitely - and then there is obviously anything and everything and inbetween. Loads of women with multiple children are 'not working' at some point. Lots of women take time out or change job / career. Very few women only have one child and return to work full time at the first possible opportunity and then that's it until they are 68. What do you even mean? You need to actually define who and what you're talking about before you ask Chat GPT for 'stats.'

Your argument is akin to me going on a thread about the MN so-called 'WOHMs' and claiming that because x% of women are low earners, high earners are to be dismissed because they are 'in a bubble.' It would be like someone arguing - "Well, I personally don't know any high earners or have any experience if this lifestyle therefore I hereby proclaim them irrelevant and 'in a bubble' and oh, by the way, here's a random Chat GPT stat about how many working women are in poverty." Just utter nonsense.

I’m sure some are, and im sure some aren’t. The same in any job too.

its not a choice i could afford to make; i am the higher earner. But other people making that choice has no impact on my life.

I don't really get the argument that working FT is good modelling for the children, particularly girls. My own background was where most mothers were at home full time but extremely ambitious for their daughters. I don't know anyone who simply mimicked their mothers life because we grew up in a different culture. The SAHMs I know are educated women who chose to give up work and stay home. Not people who went from father to husband as dependents.

The modelling, I think, is how you manage your house and family whether at home full time or not. SAHPs who clean up after their children and serve them until adulthood are poor models IMO. Likewise FT working parents who pay for cleaners who pick up after the children, as opposed to merely clean. Children need to do chores and contribute to the home and a parent who enforces this is a better model regardless of whether working or not. Same with the general attitude at home. Women who are sub servant to men or who tolerate men who treat them so, are not good role models, this can happen regardless of working status. Mothers who are assertive and independent are good role models regardless of working status.

And yet that will all count for nothing, if what they model is 'being able to support yourself suddenly becomes optional after you've had a child'.

You are spot on, and really appreciate your carefully considered and nuanced view on this.

I agree- parents or paid cleaners picking up after children breeds entitlement irrespective of gender. It is really important for children to join in with age-appropriate chores from the outset. 18 month olds are capable of picking up and dropping toys into a box and finding their own shoes, hat, etc.

Excellent point about what modelling actually means and looks like within homes.

It will count a lot to their children.

My mother, who was an outstanding SAHM and housewife, is my biggest inspiration in life. I love hearing her story about her handing her notice in and staying home to be with me. I found her passion and commitment to motherhood inspiring. I can still remember everything we used to do together before I started school, and her always being there after school, during the school holidays, etc. She made my childhood incredible. She’d drop me off at clubs, attend every school event, have friends over, cook incredible dinners, support my revision as I got older. I had everything, so much emotional support and reassurance, because she gave her time. I never felt resented or that she’d rather be elsewhere. I always had someone to listen. We remain very close.

I told my mum the moment I had my first child that my aspiration as a mother is to give my children the experience she gave me. I am so happy and grateful for the childhood I had. My mum, who actually does work now, was always the most successful woman I know.

Did your husband feel no responsibility at all to financially support you for a while after you had a child? Is he one of the 'my money is mine, yours is yours' delights we read about on AIBU (too often).

Judge judge judge judge judge judge !!! Why don’t people just realise every single house is different. Being a sahm was the best and stupidest thing I ever did. I was never ever ever lazy. Ever!!

I will give a caveat to sahms though- your dh will say you’re a team, joint money etc etc - I wish I’d realised a few years before I did most men don’t really believe this- they want to, try to, but just be absolutely ready- keep yourself employable. Be a sahm that can pivot (from a shop worker that was in a great job who isn’t part of a proper team anymore x )

I mean, I had generously-paid maternity leave )from which I went back early). Are you asking me whether DH asked me to quit my job???

No, I'm asking whether your DH shared finances with you after your child, or if you had to live entirely within your maternity pay. What if you hadn't wanted to return to work? Would he have supported you?

We’re both highly-paid senior professionals. My maternity pay was my usual salary, so there was no issue of ‘having to live within it’. It was financially business as usual. It would never have occurred to me not to return to work — why would it?

I'm asking if you have shared finances - or separate?

Why would having a baby make a difference to that?

So separate then?

Maybe explain why you’ve got such a bee in your bonnet about this? Are you someone who assumes women are always the lower-paid spouse and therefore need to be cushioned by their high-earning DHs or something? Or that women’s brains go to mush as soon as the placenta is delivered so they just SAH?