AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

Staying at home is a hard job, no doubt. But in my experience a lot of misfit type women, those who can’t hold down friendships, never get on in the work place use being a SAHM as an excuse to opt out of society. It works well for them…

I've been a SAHM most of my married life and I feel very lucky on the whole. I've definitely been judged by other working school mums when my kids were younger and had the 'oh I just don't know what I'd do all day' comments but I always figured they were mostly just a bit envious. There were times it would have been helpful to work but circumstances and DHs job meant it would have been very complicated and difficult to manage and all my job to do so so we decided as a couple we didn't want that. We've never been on benefits and just budgeted hard or went without until our income was enough.
Now I'm old enough to be probably retired so it's perfectly ok and not commented on.
Personally I've never cared if people thought me lazy, their opinion is irrelevant to me. It's worked for us and that's all that matters.

This could be mitigated though eg by encouraging people to save into pensions or by helping people to reskill when they want return to work.

Some SAHP may not have chosen to be reliant on their partners - they may have had no choice due to not being able to work or find childcare or because the DC have SEN.

This lack of choice really is the elephant in the room in these discussions yet the impact of motherhood on women’s careers is very well documented.

No they aren't lazy. Any more than people in other jobs are lazy.

I would say that the rhythm of their day can be really different to most jobs.

There are lots of ways society could make being a SAHP less financially risky. We just choose to preference pushing parents into work and children into institutional care.

Depends on the child.

Yes its 'lazy-ish' with 1-2 nt kids. But frankly many people do nothing at work either. And it can therefore be much easier at work vs home.
And what % of 2 working parents dont work full time or work from home or have a cleaner.

Im spending maybe up to 10- 15h a week trying to get sen dc to do homework...

But you are assuming that it is a choice - the hypothetical woman you describe has a choice because she is rich. You referred to your choice to work because you don’t want the financial sacrifice.

My point was that having that choice in itself is a privilege. There are WOHM who might want to be SAHM but don’t have that choice due to their financial situation. There are also SAHM who don’t have that choice for example because they lost their jobs when they had a baby or their child has SEN or because they don’t have a partner / relative able to support with childcare.

It’s well documented that some women lose their jobs when they have a baby. Childcare varies considerably and can be a real issue for those who don’t have support from a partner &/ relatives (although the government is addressing this to a degree with breakfast clubs). Current issues with SEN & children struggling to attend school are also well documented. Again, the problem with the SAHP / WOHP debate is that it just relies on tired tropes and distracts from some very real issues.

I had another parent at the school gates make a snippy judgemental comment about SAHMs - she had thought I was one of the working mums, I can't even remember what she said but I immediately mentioned that she might not be aware I was one too - she never spoke to me again - I couldn't tell you whether she was too embarrassed or whether she decided I wasn't worth speaking to. I wasn't too bothered either way.
I went back to work - dh and I set up a successful business, did quite well out of it actually and a few people who previously dismissed me, started to go out of their way to associate with me - they'd forgotten I didn't work for 15 years - I hadn't changed - but I did notice they were the ones who could never accept anyone without judgement.
Anyway I did what suited dh, me and the kids - and for everyone who asked what I did all day I used to tell them I sat around drinking coffee! 😅

I don’t think they are lazy but I do wonder what they do during schools hours as surely cleaning, food shopping and general housekeeping doesn’t eat into 5/6 hours a day so just curious

Drinking coffee all day!😂

why, single parents can't be SAH parents for a start?

Some single parents have support and a lot more free time than others

it's so weird to make such a generalisation.

I was a SAHM for 15 years and it was brilliant! Best years of my life. Wish I could do it all over again! In a great part of London. Loads of friends around. Never bored. Had a cleaner. No money worries. Loads of flexibility. It was hard work in some ways, but who cares? Loads of women are SAHMs because they can afford it frankly, and they don't want their kids in childcare. When the kids are at school, it's great - but if you have 4 kids, it's not as if they all go to school at the same time, is it? It can take 10 years before the youngest is in reception. Anyway, life is not a 'woe is me, I have it hardest competition.' Who cares? Literally nobody. Nobody ever commented on me as a SAHM. It's not anything unusual in this area. If people saw the abbreviation 'SAHM' they wouldn't even know what it means. It's only a drama on MN. In real life, nobody could give a hoot.

Well I am judging SAHMs for the example they set their kids. They're teaching their daughters that they should expect someone to finance their life and not to have their own ambitions and teaching their sons that women do all the domestic work. It's been well studied and found that children of SAHMs grow up to have less equal relationships than those of working mums.

I only know 2 SAHMs, one has two adult sons who don't clean up after themselves and see their wives as their maids. The other one has a school aged daughter who has no ambition because she says having a job is optional, her mum doesn't have one so she doesn't want one either. It's part of perpetuating generational worklessness. A girl needs to see women achieving and showing them what's possible, not setting the bar as low as housework and having children as a lifetime achievement.

I actually meant SAHMs aren't jealous of working mums that was a typo. I don't think either group is jealous of the other at all, I think they look down on them but play the silly OH SHES JEALOUS game women love to play for some reason. I also think SAHMs are naive when they think they can just go back to work after a 5 year.gap in the middle of an employment crisis. They wouldn't be able to compete.

Technically if you are being paid child benefit then you are paying in to your pension, even if your partner earns over 60k there is still a way to claim it and then repay it so you don't miss out on the NI contributions.

But also things like reskilling, that takes time and it's possible to do but the chance of you going in at an entry level job are higher and it's hard to pay the mortgage if you had to on those wages.

I think some are lazy? Some are worked off their tod.
Im not sure i could be that enthusiastic about cleaning every day - I'd probably be lazy, do a side gig and hire a cleaner....

Oh don't be daft @SerenaCat. You only know 2 SAHMs, by your own admission. This is very limited. SAHMs are as diverse as any other women. This goes without saying! SAHMs are in all kinds of circumstances and walks of life. My DDs went to Oxford and St As. One was earning over £100k aged 24. And yes, she had an SAH mum. Just imagine! The horror. There is nothing stopping either of them doing whatever they want. And it's the same for the DSs. Anyway, if and when they have kids, they'll organise their lives in whatever way makes sense to them. Literally nobody cares. People have all kinds of working structures and family set-ups.

Yes my personal experience of SAHMs is limited. But I am a professional mum and none of my colleagues have ever given up their careers when having children, that's why I've never met an educated well accomplished SAHM isn't it. It's less common.

Personal anecdotes aside, you're probably an outlier because research has found that the daughters of working mothers achieve more highly than daughters of SAHMs. The role modelling of mothers to their daughters matters. But also partly because the education level of the mother is the most predictive factor in the achievement of children and the higher level a woman is educated to the less likely she is to leave employment when becoming a mother so it's a bit chicken and egg. And before you try to deny this too MN is full of SAHMs saying they hated their mental jobs and we're glad to give them up to stay at home. An interesting and fulfilling career something most mothers fight to keep.

Oh and people do care. I care. I care about that poor little girl who thinks the only thing waiting in her future is an endless pile of ironing. She's 8. She deserves to be inspired and believe achieving can be for her too. It's tragic.

I would say the person who goes to work has it easier, particularly if the children are at home full-time

I've got to disagree with this.

My niece hates the fact my sister is/was a SAHM. Children are grown up now so she's not a SAHM, just unemployed. My daughter agrees. Both think she sets a terrible example to women.

My take is that equality means the ability to make a decision that's best for the family and if that's staying at home whilst the children are young so be it.

Where it gets difficult is men losing their patience once children are at school. Whatever their husband says, they're thought of as lazy, especially when most seem to have a cleaner, ironer etc

SAHMs are the oil in the machine. Everything works better and smoother. But it doesn't stay static.

This
my mum said to me NEVER be reliant on ANyONe else
earn your own money
contribute
and don’t make yourself vulnerable

yes we pay for childcare but if my partner left or died I’d be ok financially

I've always worked but I think they are brilliant (well obviously as with any demographic, there might be some lazy ones who do nothing and let the kids watch screens) and many do volunteer work, help with elderly relatives and neighbours. Only a few generations ago, housewives were the norm, and many of us would love to spend more time with kids and have all the jobs done in the day, so the whole family can relax at night and at weekends.

you completely ignored my post

I only know 2 SAHMs
clearly

and you can't realise that there are all kind of SAHM, some with a much better career than you will ever have. There are also women with minimum wage boring jobs they hate, hardly a good example.

A girl needs to see women achieving and showing them what's possible,
having a great career, buying a house, having savings and be in the position to make the CHOICE to spend time with their kids. I can think of a lot worst examples.

naive when they think they can just go back to work after a 5 year.gap in the middle of an employment crisis.
and yet, how many women are back at work when the kids are in secondary.

They wouldn't be able to compete. depends who they are "competing" with and what field they are in, surely?

Helps when some use the last years of their SAH time to re-qualify and go ahead someone who is stagnant in their job 😂

It all comes down to if your lucky enough to be able to do it without claiming benefits you are doing the best thing and good on you. * I realise there are people with children with disabilities who have had their choices removed and feel 100 for them. Generally for others being able to do as you please is a blessing.

@SerenaCat93 - If you are an educated woman, I'm surprised you would, apparently in all seriousness, be pontificating about SAHMs when you know two. Two!

It's like me basing my whole idea of 'WOHMs' (as they are called in MN, but nowhere else) based on two women I may know who work in Tesco. Or whatever. Ridiculous!

I have known hundreds of SAHMs over the years, as well as hundreds of women who work full-time and just about everything and anyone in-between. As if any of this correlates to the 'success' of their daughters. How do you define 'success' anyway? You do realise that - very often - SAHMs are SAHMs precisely because they are highly educated and in high net worth families. Children in those demographics have access to the top independent schools, tutors and all sorts of advantages. If you think SAHMs are all forlorn women, shuffling about with a mop, well come and meet the women in my area - and many, many areas like it where there are high proportions of SAHMs or women who work flexibly. Highly educated, competent and doing allsorts in the U.K. and around the world.