AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

Lazy, stupid and dull.
It’s not said, but it’s between the lines.

I could never stay at home, I’d go mad if I can’t keep busy.
what do you do all day?
I was so bored on maternity leave, I need to keep my mind stimulated.

Some people just lack empathy and imagination. They also dump childcare on their elderly female relatives and think they’re doing granny a favour letting her spend time with the little darlings, and never get stressed about Christmas because they just rock up to their mum’s.

You can instantly tell in the playground, playgroups and school yard who is a relative and who is a paid childminder by the amount and quality of interaction with the dc. Even just by looking at the expression on the faces coming out of the classroom - the ones who look out and see mum, dad or granny light up.

Im a sahm I wouldnt say im lazy, ive 5 children they are all home educated,i keep on top of our home im with my children 24.7,nor would I say ive got it easy either!
My partner works long hours by the time hes up washed and out the house the children are just getting up when he gets in there already in bed! So unless hes off work I solo parent and educate my children as well as providing 3 healthy nutritional meals & snacks a day!
I also wouldnt judge somebody else's life if they choose to work there children go to school or maybe even have a cleaner thats up to them.
But as a sahm im definitely not lazy.

I wouldn't describe them as 'lazy' but I do think being a SAHP to school age children (totally different to before that) is a luxury, and a very easy life. But why shouldn't people choose an easy life if they can and are ok with the financial trade-offs? I work nearly full-time, but I could definitely earn more in a more intense job with a big commute, and I don't want to. I don't know if that is 'lazy' as such, it's just choosing trade-offs between time and money. SAHPs just do that and have chosen a different point on the scale to me.

I've known lazy SAHM's (although more lazy SAHD's - they seemed to think it was SAHG - stay at home gaming!). I've also known SAHP's who worked their socks off - with younger children, high needs children, foster children as well as their own, carers for other family members, doing unpaid volunteer work that kept the community and society ticking over. I've been a SAHM, and I was always hyper aware of the privilege of my position, and felt a need to provide 'output' as justification for my existence. I also had my lazy days, and periods where I found it bloody hard to function.

To put it in perspective, I've also been a full time working Mum, and a part time working Mum. I've never been a Mum parenting alone.

When I came over here, I was surprised at how defensive a fellow SAHM was when she said she was a SAHM. Not for long though. And definitely not after finding Mumsnet!

Like everything, a mother and a woman's place is in the wrong. I've been admonished for staying at home, and I've been castigated for working, when I didn't 'need' to, and was 'taking a job that could have been done by a man that needed to feed his family'. I kid you not. . .

Who says that the only thing we should do with our lives is work?

As long as a person can afford the lifestyle they choose then it's up to them what they do. That applies to all people regardless of sex or whether they have children.

If someone thinks a SAHM is lazy they are then calling all nursery workers lazy and they are not.

You’re not doing everything that a SAHP does though - if you are working full-time then you are outsourcing 40+ hours of childcare per week that a SAHP is doing. I don’t think you can do an easy comparison here as jobs & children & home situations vary considerably.

”Mum guilt” may well be balanced by the SAHP having lost their career due to having children & needing to plan how to return to work. Or by having to care for a child with additional needs or one who simply didn’t thrive in childcare. The SAHP down the road may think that you have a charmed life for having a job that can be balanced with having children. Both of you may be wrong.

It’s also not in WOHM’s interests to downplay what is involved in caring for a child - if being an SAHM is such an idle life, then that’s a strong argument for reducing nursery ratios.

I think the OP is BVU in perpetuating these tropes as there are some very real issues that affect parents that this type of debate glosses over. These include:

-that having a child can result in a woman being managed out of the workplace
-that some jobs just aren’t tenable with having a child (unless you can afford some really deluxe childcare)
-whether support for SEN is adequate
-whether early years & before/after school childcare is adequate & affordable especially for those without family who can step in
-the impact of cutting Sure Start & other support that helped children reach their early milestones
-the variation between jobs and public & private sector on women being able to continue working with a child & whether this is being adequately flagged in careers advice
-if there is adequate support for SAHM to return to the workplace (especially as they might not have chosen to leave it)

💐to @Freddiefisherwhose situation really is an example of what the usual tropes overlook.

I’m a SAHM. Nobody has called me lazy to my face, but people have implied that I don’t deserve a break from my children or any help with them because I don’t work. I don’t see anything wrong with working and using childcare if that works for your family, but I agree with you that sometimes staying home is in the family’s best interests. I have a 3 year old son with additional needs. Last year I tried to put him in nursery for just 2 1/2 hours 5 days a week because it’s free in my area through flying start. They couldn’t cope with him and his needs for all that time so reduced him to just 3 days and he needed a one to one even then. I have no family willing to look after him at all. So I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with him while I work a full time job, it just would never work. And anyone who thinks I’m lazy should try spending one day looking after my son then tell me if they still think that. Having a job would be easier.

Im a sahm and I have never had this said to me. I did have a huge corporate career behind me so maybe people respected that?
In my circle there are quite a few sahm and all have had hugely successful professional careers as well. We don’t judge each other.
Also, people should mind their own business!!

Ive had a few people say how nice it must be at home to relax....
When I have 3 autistic kids. My life was much easier working a very well paid job, but its not possible to do my old job and be able to be the parent who gets called when the kids are not able to stay in nursery / school.

Not at all.
SAHP do what works for them and their family.

A lot of women I know had judgement in the playground when I lived in one area, where in a more wealthy area there wasn't the same taboo around it. On the whole I think most mums don't want to be a slave to the wage over the holidays, for example and many would rather be with their kids than pay huge amounts for them to be carted off to various clubs when they might want to sleep for eg.

If you are going to be a SAHM you need to be aware of the financial issues if the partner leaves and you had a career break - super hard for mums to get back into work these days. If you have passive income and are fine with that then you have to grow a tough skin and realise a lot of people would love to be able to work when they want and do things at home or with the kids regularly. It is hard work at times but a better balance than trying to do a 9-5 for many, particularly as so many women have chronic health conditions that the NHS is not treating.

You don’t know this person’s financial situation - she may be a millionaire from her own earnings or inheritance for all you know. Being a SAHM doesn’t automatically make someone financially dependent in EVERY case.

I think it’s a personal choice and whats right for one family isn’t right for everyone’s. It is for me an odd choice if your kids are in secondary school and are more independent. I also think SAHP can put themselves at financial vulnerability - I couldn’t do that, I could not be reliant on anyone else. I also would get
grumpy with solely carrying the financial load if the SAHP was still at home when the kids were older or at uni etc…

I’ve been a SAHM and I’ve been a full time working mum and at no point have I ever had time to be lazy!

Anyone who is spiteful towards SAHMs is 100% full of envy. Why else be so nasty?

I work part time so have the best of both worlds. Would still much rather be at home because it’s easier than juggling work with kids and I think children benefit from having a parent around as much as possible. My own mum didn’t work and it was lovely, even at secondary school, coming home to a parent in the house.

I’m a sahm, I have 3 Dcs and now my youngest is in school I’ve taken the opportunity to go to uni to retrain.(we are trying for a 4th but this doesn’t seem to be happening 😔) I love that I have had the chance to do drop offs and pick ups and be at every school event etc.
the main issue for me though is I feel I don’t really know who I am anymore, my life for 16 years has been children. I don’t really have any hobbies other than reading and cooking. The older I have got I’ve just accepted that my identity is the kids atm and once they have flown the nest it’s perhaps my turn to rediscover myself.
i think lazy isn’t quite the correct term, but I definitely get more time to rest than my husband does. However illnesses etc fall to me so if they are up through the night I deal with it- rightly so.

That applies if the couple earns equally, but the mortgage is based on both salaries, or the man'shigher salary. Very often on here the working wife is stuck because she couldn't afford to house herself in the area and then risks not getting residency for school aged children. Women's whole circumstances make them vulnerable, not just being out of work.
It's SAHP, or part time parents who are propping up PTAs, community groups along with healthy grandparents. They all go the extra mile to make school events extra special.

My cousin's wife has always been a SAHM. She's never worked after doing her degree. Her kids are now adults, in their mid 20s- early 30s.

What strikes me about her is her world seems kind of small. Like she doesn't really have a lot of practical life experience. She's really lovely but I feel a lot of the family relegate her in the hierarchy. Basically she's one grade above me and I'm the black sheep at the bottom.

This seems kind of unfair. I do often feel a bit sorry for her. Like her son was entitled to claim benefits but the mum said some weird shit about how he wasn't allowed to unless he was over 25 as he lives at home?! I had to put her straight about that.

It feels like she spends all her time doing what she likes but I just wouldn't want to be so reliant on a man. She also doesn't seem like she's got many friends.

Like her CV is a blank sheet of paper. At 50. And I'm not sure how she'd cope without him.

I don’t think they are lazy, but all the posts on here about being taken for granted, being dependent, not being able to leave because they gave up work, blah blah blah. I do wonder why people do it and it’s not a choice I’d make.

Well if it is journalism, it's hackneyed and boring and outdated as well as lazy. No woman hasn't had this debate or read this article a hundred times before. We are over it. There isn't anything new to say.

The only fresh angle is that so many working mums now manage to do so from home. If there is a conversation still to be had it should be about how that has changed things and made it easier to 'have it all'.

And if he'd had an affair in year 10? And the house had to be sold, not enough to buy your own place, the hell of trying to find rented (either local authority or private (even worse!) ) and you had to scrabble around and find a minimum wage job, with never enough money to live on? You certainly wouldn't have been able to afford to go back to uni and retrain.

You absolutely WERE betting both yours and your childrens lives on the goodwill of one person. And if he'd left you would have been in a hell of a mess. Very very luckily, that didn't happen to you. But it happens to thousands of women. A man isn't a solution.

For us, it was not worth me working (back then, we only got funding for kids aged 3 and over and we had 20 months between the 2 kids)

No family nearby (not that they are automatic childcare )
I was chief caregiver in the day (ex worked 9-6)
I then worked evenings and weekends - ships passing in the night. Family time minimal.

The money I earned helped and also I retained some identitiy. However, a career was never really established

It was lonely at times and relentless . However, in hindsight I was lucky I did it .
I am still friends with some of the ladies I met at playgroups too.

I think this can be where the attitude comes from. It’s a consequence of a shrinking circle. Eg I know one SAHM who is aghast at the need to find one day of childcare in the summmer holidays. Like she’s been asked the most impossible and unreasonable request. When the rest of are like WTF we have 6 weeks to cover AND run the house etc. But she’s never experienced that and so just doesn’t have the bandwidth

I think SAHM's are lucky not lazy (but only if that is their choice obviously)!