AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

No one is this dense, surely. If you have an independent source of income, or have just won some lifechanging sum the lottery, sure, it's optional. Otherwise, no, being able to support yourself and your child is never optional.

Wow, that's quite a barbed comment. Do you feel better after submitting that? 😎

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Who's dense here...

Why do you think many people chose to have kids as a couple, so yes, it's optional for both to have a source of income. One income is enough for the family.

Have you missed that in some families, the mum works and earn a living, and DAD is the SAH parent? Shocking 😂

Just because you think my having a vagina has something to do with the role I have within my family, doesn’t make it true!

I haven’t dedicated my life to cooking and cleaning - my DH actually does more cooking overall than I do as he enjoys it more.

I have dedicated my life to running my household, playing to my individual strengths of organisation and routine.
prior to being a SAHM I worked in admin roles, thriving on the organisation and routine I now bring into our household.

DH may provide the money to keep our family going, but I am the one who keeps it going.
my children understand that both mum and dad have “jobs” that work in tandem together to provide them with the life they have.

you seem intent on ignoring the fact that it’s ok for some people to be a SAHP and that it works for them and their family. It doesn’t have to work for you, and that’s ok

And yet most families work just fine without someone with admin experience bringing 'organisation and routine' to a household FT.

I don't think SAHM are lazy but I also don't think it's the hardest job in the world or even a job.

Choices are individual. My choice to be a SAHM doesn’t affect you or your family at all. Why do you care that some women gave up work once they had children?

also, to really infuriate you, I should point out I actually took redundancy in December 2015, didn’t work until June 2017, left there in November 2018 and had my first child in December 2019 and I’ve only just turned 40!

They may work fine, but I think my family works better with DH and I playing to our strengths

do MOST?

You are confusing your opinion with reality.

If you can't comprehend that a SAH parent is more than "organisation and routine", it's a good thing you are not one 😂

You also spectacularly chose to ignore the families where it's anything but fine, just look on this forum.

Maybe you can be nothing else than being defined by your job title. That happens. It's not true for everyone. Many people, even with an astonishing career, still have enough personality, interests and drive to be just as confident without their job.

Why are you so unable to function without your role? That's a bit sad.

True, indeed. However, uncoupling is not uncommon and it is very easy for the income provider to just stop providing.
DH was a SAHD for a while and I consider myself a reasonably decent person - he had full access to all accounts, could spend what he wanted. But let's say we ended up divorcing - depending on the reason, I may have not been totally happy to keep supporting him after that as well, to the standard he was accustomed to. And 'just going back to work' after a 10+ year gap on CV is not that simple.
I've seen too many uncouplings and women desperately trying to get a few quid just for their children, never mind themselves, from previously decent husbands, so personally I would find it too risky. Different story if you're independently wealthy, of course, but that changes many things.

But the thread has been totally derailed.

Now, I don't think SAHMs are lazy. I do thing that many have a lot of free time, so they start stretching things to fill the hours, and something a working parent does in 15 min after work becomes a full day activity. But maybe they then do it to a better standard.

You sound very angry, projecting perhaps? Why is someone else's life choice such a sore point for you?

I dont think SAHMs are lazy, and I'm sure it must be hard to not get much adult interaction. I'd also choose not to work if I could afford to do so.
However, I don't agree it's "harder" than FT work and it gets me irate when people suggest it is.
You don't have the stress of who's going to take the kids to doctors appointments, running late for pickups, who takes time off if they're ill. Working parents don't get to just clock off when they get home - dinner still needs cooking, kids need bathing and helping with homework, chores and errands have to be done at weekends... SAHPs can do some of that stuff in the day especially if kids are school age. You still have to be the same parent, just work on top of it.

I don’t think they sound angry, it’s you who does, I assume the poster hit a nerve.

Wow, there is some real sensitivity on here.

You don’t think that poster sounds angry? Have you even read all of their posts?

@ThankYouNigelthat sounds like a wonderful life for you all. To give another perspective on @villadicance how I felt was the reason I went back PT. I found I couldn't relax at home without constantly looking around with a critical eye and I found myself getting really angry with DC for messing up the cleaning I had just done, even if they were just making a snack. I accepted maybe it wasn't the best for me. I didn't need the money so got a very low hours PT job and funnily enough found I had more energy to run the household because I was happier and more fulfilled. The kids weren't even aware really that i was working because I was home well before them and always there during school holidays. I'm still the primary homemaker and as kids get older it works out well, I get on top of things mid week and we all relax at weekends. Everyone I know working FT seems to find weekends busy and stressful but we had lots of family time. I consider us to be exceptionally lucky. I can't understand why people are so sneery about it.

Why do you presume someone has “married a dud” because 2 people in a partnership are playing to their strengths?

have you ever considered that some SAHP enjoy what they do just as much as the WOHP parent?

Some people are lazy. Full stop. All women are judged, whatever they do.

@MsSquiz I’m genuinely puzzled at why organising a house needs a full time manager. I speak as someone with two kids, single parent, who worked throughout their childhoods. They are grown up now but even so I can’t imagine what needs “organising” 24/7. This is a genuine question. I’d love to know what your week of organising looks like. I feel like a right slouch now!

Thank you, this was really interesting.

It made me realise a few things:

I absolutely hate cleaning and gardening! I think I had assumed everyone did.

I think the nature of your job matters a lot. We have between us never missed a school event so far, I don't think I would like a job that wasn't flexible either.

I also think I actually get more stressed when I don't have structure, I don't feel free, I start to get unproductive/sink into doom scrolling etc!

You sound really happy which is lovely!

Well no not really.

but I do see a lot of sensitivity on here about it.

stay at home parents really should bring value to the family, but the reality is it’s now less than 10 percent of women and mainly working class, and then upper middle, the very wealthy, For many it’s far from the luxurious life choice made out to be, it’s due to child care costs and low income jobs.

of course some are lazy, some are great parents, there is nothing to say just as you’re home you’re a good parent, many are short tempered, lazy, resentful, others are born to it and enjoy being with their children, doing housework, and of course many are in reality in this situation due to financial reasons or as they hated their low income unskilled job, and are married to some no mark who just doesn’t get involved or respect the fact they are home.

there is no one answer, but of course many women make themselves financially very vulnerable when they do it, they stop paying into a pension, are not married to a high earner, live a life with just getting by, with a man who doesn’t respect them,

of course for some money is not an issue, they are there and respected, great hands on parents etc.

there is no one stereotype. We know this, we also know statistically only ten percent of mothers are now financially inactive and it is largely working class women,

"sensitivity"? Funny you say that . I call someone out on a unpleasant post and that's the best you can come up with because I replied? 😂

I find it very amusing when small people try to patronise me and anger me trying to get a reaction instead of coming out with a valid argument.

I'd more interested WHY people have such a reaction and opinion on something that does not concern them at all. It makes 0 difference to your life if your neighbour woks full time, part-time, shifts, or doesn't work at all. Why do you take her choice so personally?

I have worked with plenty of lazy people and known stay at home parents who accomplish loads every day. Some people have challenges that achieving small steps might be a huge accomplishment in a day, others might not be bothered to do anything.
Best not to generalis and if you have to form an opinion then base it on individual facts.

Some households maybe don’t need a “full time manager”, some households might, some households may run better if they did have one.

I also haven’t said I’m busier than a WOHP or tried to “justify” my role as a SAHM, but it works for our family.

it’s all subjective.

in our home, I am responsible for:
food shopping
clothes shopping
cleaning
gardening
repairs and DIY (either carrying out those tasks or arranging others)
majority of school runs for 2 children
majority of kids parties & activities
incidentals (gifts for birthdays, Christmases for our children, family members and kids friends)
arranging days out, holidays and other things to do as a family
appointments - arranging and attending with kids

i am also on the PTA as treasurer, I assist with our family’s charitable trust as well as assisting DH with the admin relating to the events he arranges as part of his role as fundraising chair for a charity.

if I was to decide, at any time, this set up was no longer working for me, DH would have no issue with me going back to work and us splitting the domestic load

But everyone has to do all of this stuff. DH and I do all of this except for cleaning as we pay for a cleaner. And we both work FT. It’s just not that big a deal, it’s just normal life with a family.

For example last night I ordered two gifts from Amazon for my niece’s birthday. It took less than one minute. It’s not something I would class as a job.