AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

Except my kids are at school when I do those jobs so I have more time to be available to them, compared to the WOHP. I don’t have to cram those jobs in once we’re all back from work/school.

Why are the jobs around the home “less value” than a job I would be getting paid for? Domestic jobs still have value - there is always a need for shopping to done, food to be cooked, laundry and cleaning to be done. And by me taking on that role, it allows my husband to focus on his roles outside of the home and not have to worry about the domestic side.
DH and I are a team and work well as a team to our strengths.
the difference here is, I’m not trying to claim I am superior by being a SAHM but diminishing a WOHP position

I was a SAHM for a while. I gave up a well paid job in the civil service because DC1 had some additional needs and needed a parent at home. I wasn't lazy. I LOVED the 8 years I had at home with my DC. It was definitely the right decision for us. Did I feel judged? Yes. I used to cringe when people said 'I could NEVER give up work, I'd hate to sit around singing The Wheels on the Bus all day, I need to use my brain'!' They certainly weren't using their brain when they made comments like that!

I'm back at work now. I'm paid less and my job is less impressive. This does make me sad sometimes. But if I had to go back in time, I'd make the same decision again.

I am teaching my daughter that she is the most important person in my life, my top priority. I have a double first class degree from Cambridge, had a professional career for 10 years- it meant nothing to me once I had my children. Showing up every day for them matters more. My daughter is delighted I walk her to school, attend every school event, trip, have her friends over…we are incredibly close.

I am teaching my daughter that relationships and human beings matter more than money I don’t want or need. I am teaching her how to avoid excessive materialism and value family highly. I am teaching her how to be a team player.

You sound incredibly rude and judgmental, I follow my own values and rules about what being a good role model for my daughter looks like. She’s incredibly happy!

Think it depends, I’m a SAHM and I am fundamentally a lazy human being, BUT I’m ontop of everything to do with DC, our weekends are free for family time (this is DH’s preference too, he’s very family oriented). No he doesn’t control the purse strings, we are co-conspirators, every decision is taken together, he travels a lot for work (not extended but in and out fo the country sometimes). We contribute to my pension, savings and investments always have my name on it or an equal amount for both. DH pulls his weight when he’s home so it’s bot like he’s not involved as a husband or father.

I totally acknowledge the risk, we kind of fell into it because when we had ours we lived in a country where it was a nanny or nothing and we thought it better if I took care of DC. I also struggled with some mental health problems (had them a long time) and had a total breakdown when I was retraining and I had to take a step back and start therapy. Would I suggest DD do the same? No. But it works for us.

I appreciate this post, as I think people are genuinely curious, but don’t always like to ask. It’s good to ask and learn more, as unpaid caring and volunteering are so valuable to society, but so unseen and undervalued, unfortunately.

I do 2 half days weekly cleaning with deeper cleaning jobs rotated (e.g. clean the oven, clean out the fridge). Half a day gardening (front & back). Half a day on weekly shop, petrol, charity drop offs, similar errands. I go swimming once morning. Half a day sorting home admin/school admin & payments/present purchasing and wrapping/emailing children’s extra-curricular clubs & messaging parents to organise play dates/cleaning and maintaining our car/decluttering/organising wider family & friend events, etc.

Doing the above frees up valuable evening/weekend time. My DH is similarly very strict about not bringing his paid professional work home, so our evenings and weekends are our own to spend with our children/family/friends/regular date nights. Our marriage is our top priority above work/house stuff. We are all about maxing our discretionary time as a team.

I spend time with my mum for 2 different half days, she also stays at spend after school with my children on one of those. I value greatly spending far more 1:1 time with her than when I worked full time.

If my FIL hadn’t died when he had, I would have been visiting him and continuing the care and maintenance of his home I contributed to when he was no longer physically able to.

As a mum, I am often popping in and out of my children’s school attending events, which with 2 children was often twice a week during Summer term, which is very busy. Children still get ill too, mine became very unwell during the red heat alert, so I preferred caring for them at home where I could keep them cooler.

As a school governor, I am often at my children’s school multiple times a week at meetings and monitoring visits. I help on trips, including those with classes without my own children, which could not go ahead if there weren’t enough adults. I am regularly telephoned to help out last minute. I listen to children read who don’t have parents who read with them at home.

I also volunteer for a national charity supporting bereaved people over the telephone/Zoom. This client work is supervised by a qualified counsellor, so I attend supervision and complete linked CPD work and reading when my children are at school.

I never find it difficult to find something to do when my children are at school.

What I missed in the time I was a SAHM was being able to go to the loo WITHOUT being followed and having small people bang on the door and try to hold a conversation with me. I loved staying home with my kids. But it’s kind of a sticky life, and you are really not ever off the clock. I made a point of also having a social life, learning new things, and enjoying hobbies as time allowed. I was a better mother because of that. Lazy, my ass.

You said the kids of SAHMs you know don’t know how or don’t do those things

I think her point was the sons don't do those things, as they believe it's women's job.

What I dont understand is the judgement value that both SAHM and working parents are applying to busyness around the home/housework/gardening etc. Those things are just a life essential and don’t determine a person’s worth or value nor does their work outside the home. It provides perhaps personal self worth and money to live how you like, just as I personally derive pleasure from a clean home and being able to enjoy my day and live how I want. But my children take both for granted and don’t think one parent is more valuable or successful than the other. My children are now adults and have their own career choices both of which will serve them well moving forward to make money to live how they want and make the choices they will make for their life in the future. There’s a lot of, at best overthinking, at worst ignorant judgemental arseholes, on here that can’t comprehend how others can live differently to them and still be successful and raise good humans to have kindness, values and ethics.

What's lazy is your poorly worded click baity AIBU post.

I was a sahm for 7 years when my kids were small. It worked for us, and meant less stress all round compared to friends who both worked - eg I was always around for pickups, drop offs, if kids were ill or other family emergencies etc. I’m now late 50s and kids are in their early 20s. I’m now finding the one drawback of the sahm years is seeing friends retire while I’m going to have to keep going for a few years yet, to make up the pension contributions I missed. I view this as a small price to pay but worth bearing in mind when making a decision to sah.

And how many posts do we see on here where both parents WOH and the domestic jobs are still left “to the women”?

is that not on both parents to teach their children to become more self sufficient?

my children see a division of labour within our family.

dad goes out to work at his multiple roles.
mum works inside the home undertaking the domestic jobs, the DIY stuff.

they also see their dad cook, take them to parties and be an active parent in their lives without the worry that domestic chores need to be carried out during the time that we could all be doing things together.

I’m not saying it would work for everyone, just that it works for us

Just because some men (and, less explicable, some women) think that domestic groundwork ‘naturally’ falls to women, because their vaginas mean they can ‘see dirt’ better, is absolutely no reason for you to dedicate your life to cooking and cleaning.

Certainly possible for WOH or SAH parents to raise kids with all kinds of attitudes and who take different decisions in their lives than their parents did. Research has shown though that daughters of working mothers have more successful careers, and sons of working mothers hold significantly more egalitarian gender attitudes.

This is a genuine question - how does this all make you feel?

I ask because it would make me feel angry and resentful to spend so much of my time cleaning up after my family so that they got to relax.

The way we approach these things is - outsourcing the cleaning and the gardening, then working compressed hours to fit in the life admin. We both volunteer as well - school governors, PTA, trustee work. I really thrive on feeling like we both share the domestic labour.

Do you actively enjoy the domestic labour or is it something you endure for the other benefits of not working or something else?

Please don't take this the wrong way, I am honestly just interested because I would hate it so much that I find it hard to understand

I’m a SAHM/SAHW and my kids are both in school, my kids are off school for the holidays around 3.5months a year and after school drops I have 5.5 hours a day to do what I deem necessary.

cleaning my home, cooking, finances, organising, gardening, keeping fit to me is my job.

I don’t work at all anymore I stopped at age 34, best thing I ever did, I bring peace calm and organisation to our world.

even though I don’t work I have control of all the finances, I’m not drip fed money each week, my husband has no time to deal with finances:

I only stopped working when i knew if worst case scenario happened eg divorce or death I could still purchase a home cash and work very minimal, and my husband would be in the same boat.

Lazy attempt OP

I think many aren’t, but many are if I’m honest, some are in there entertaining their kids, teaching them, playing with them, taking them out, some are sitting them with a screen and scrolling their phones.

it’s like anything, you get good and bad.

i don’t really consider parents of school age kids stay at home parents , more house wives or house husbands.

Its sad how judgemental women are of others choices.

Working or not working doesnt make anyone a better parent or person.
Many women (and men) actually do both roles at different times in their childrens lives.

I don’t mind you asking at all, I value people showing curiosity about each other’s lives.

So I do enjoy cleaning and gardening. I always did even when working FT myself, I never outsourced it. I’m very organised and tidy, so a clean and tidy home is essential for me. I would worry about the level of detail if someone else did it, I just about delegate the outsides of my windows after it taking a while to find someone honest who does a thorough job. If I spend even 1 hour gardening in the fresh air I feel brilliant for hours afterwards, same as after a swim. It’s enjoyable doing raking and watering with my little ones after school too.

DH and I shared all tasks pre-children, but wasted a whole day of our weekends doing that. We both spend time at weekends taking our children to swimming lessons, parties, etc, so no longer want to spend that time doing cleaning/food shop. He’s a teacher, so in school holidays we actually default back to doing everything domestic 50:50.

I personally have felt much calmer and happier spending more time at home than I did when working FT. I don’t feel resentful about doing things for my husband or children. What I knew I would feel extremely resentful about was if I had returned to my previous job, which had zero flexibility, and missing every single thing at my own children’s schools. I was never going to put up with that, and I do not miss the money. Time and memories are worth more.

My favourite thing about life now is I have complete autonomy over my own time and schedule, way more than I ever did at work. I never feel conflicted or guilty trying to do two different roles at once. That wouldn’t suit me, I like clearly defined tasks and timings.

Great to hear you’ve found a system that works for your family too.

Far sadder to see women deluding themselves that making themselves incapable of supporting themselves financially is some kind of heroic sacrifice for the good of the 'family', when usually it means 'I married a dud who isn't prepared to do half the childcare and domestic stuff.'

Fantastic demonstration of the point. Congratulations.

It's astonishing that some women are incapable of understanding choices. Or pretend they don't.

Some women prioritise their job and their careers. Great. We need CEO, Surgeons, Air Force Pilots, Teachers, Nobel Prices, Finance Directors, Photographers, Journalists and the list goes on. We do need them, and they SHOULD be able to also be a mother. They can do both.

Other women are allowed to WANT a career break or to change their career entirely, and their priority is to spend as many years with their kids as they can. We need that too.

Instead of looking at them and realising that it's a lucky and great partnership to have find a husband who supports their choices and is happy to take on the financial burden for awhile or for ever, it's pathetic that some can't see any further than: "sad you having to make diner". Completely missing the point.

You are not as financially safe if as if you kept your job! So? Maybe they're not. That wasn't their priority. You don't have kids to make you money anyway. If something happens, they just go back to work and don't spend as much time as they wanted with their kids.

The fake concern and fake pity are ridiculous.

Everyone understands choices. Not all choices are equal. However you used to make a living does not suddenly become optional the moment you ush out the placenta.

The vast majority of SAHMs are looking after young children which is exhausting and relentless. I really can’t fathom why so many people are compelled to bash them as lazy.

Why not pour that energy into bashing people who take a gap year? Or who retire 1 or 2 years early? how do those choices to leave the workforce for the same amount of time as most SAHMs go without judgement, but spend a couple of years with your own children when they are at their most vulnerable and all of a sudden you SHOULD BE EARNING MONEY.

says who? Obviously it can become not only optional but completely redundant.

Not all choices are equal.
some seem bringing more judgement than others I give you that.