AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

Can't see what's wrong with being lazy if you've got the money. What annoys me is folk that don't work but pretend they're busy even if they have one child at school and a cleaner.

between the ages of 1-3 I worked part time mornings only and that was bloody hard work. I’d get the train at 7 and drop Dd off then get the bus to work. Finish at 1 and get the bus back then get Dd and entertain her for the afternoon, cook dinner and tidy up etc. do bedtime most of the time. Ppl used to say you’re so lucky having every afternoon off 😂

but why? You don't need a job to be "busy". There are a million things people can do which mean they have a tight schedule and no time whatsoever to sit down and watch TV. Now it might all be a choice, but it doesn't make them any less busy.

I have read some posters on here claiming they were "flat out" because they worked 9 to 4, and their husband was out 1 or 2 nights a week so they couldn't cope with the sheer amount of things they had to do 😂. It's all relative isn't it.

I used to be a SAHM, we had three under the age of three. Now our children are all teens and I work full time.
I would do anything to quit and go back to being a SAHM as it was so much easier and I was much happier!!!

I struggle to keep onto op of the house (more accurately my husband and I don't adequately keep on top of the house) and so does my sahm friend. When we meet up she chats about how we both have similar tendencies to avoid chores etc. except I'm in the house a total of 3 hours a week without children while she has 5 days 9-3 child free. Our issues are not the same. We are massively time poor as a family. It's about to be easier now my youngest is about to start school but it shocks me she can't see we have entirely different issues.

If her kids are sick it's a pain and worry but her day involved being home anyway, if mine are sick I need to inconvenience my department and patients and deal with the work fallout and when it happens repeatedly it's more of an issue. If she's ill her husband takes the day off work to have the kids but that's because he never has to take a sick day for sick children, we juggle days for sick kids so have nothing left to support each other when ill.

School holidays, no big deal, she's home anyway, her husband doesn't need to adjust his leave schedule either because she's home. It makes logistics much easier. I don't think it's lazy there's still plenty to be done and I could fill my days productively every single day on mat leave and still be tired at the end of the day but now, with working as well it's just constantly spinning plates and inevitably some get dropped.

I don't, I've maintained my identity outside of having a child. Maybe because I had him quite late so had plenty of time to determine who I am. I have plenty of things to talk about, because I have lots of interests.

They’re also very on top at school because that becomes a central focus on their lives I guess.

Working mums can be just as on top, if not more. It depends how efficient your are, and what your priorities are.

People who can't cope with 2 schools emails a week generally seem to have enough time to be on MN and watch the latest Netflix/ Sky programs. Some working mums prefer to be efficient during the week and have all their weekend free.

Being able to be a stay at home parent is a luxury for many.
I could afford it for a while and so did it. I don't care if I was labelled lazy I probably was. I mean being at home with small children gave me a flexibility you don't get with working. I work now because we need the money and honestly I did way less as an at home parent and I was able to do things in my time.

So yeah to an extent I guess but who really cares. If you can afford the luxury of being at home with the kids then I can't imagine why you'd feel self concious or care what anyone else thinks because the fact is for the most part it IS easier than trying to work while you have kids.

You & your colleagues are fortunate in your employer. Not all women are equally lucky as the stats on the effect of motherhood on women’s careers show.

That’s a really important point about the state pension (which I’d forgotten). I was thinking about something to mitigate not paying into an occupational pension. Both need to be talked about more given that SAHMs & others with caring responsibilities miss out on pension contribution through not working.

Reskilling does probably mean entry level pay - again that’s worth talking about given the reports on how motherhood affects women’s careers.

Why lazy? It may be an easier way of life for the SAHM but that’s ok. I would never think someone was lazy because they don’t go to work. It’s definitely easier than working full time and carrying the household roles and parenting especially if your partner works more hours or is not as useful at home. I’ve been both and SAHM is much more relaxed and time for myself. But I wouldn’t say it’s lazy. I work out at gym a lot and do long dog walks and have time to do deep cleaning when and where I want around the home. I definitely didn’t have the time for all that when working full time. It’s ridiculous to say that SAHM have it hard and carrying all the parenting and house responsibilities etc because working parents do that too as well as work. However being at home doesnt make you lazy either. Bizarre opinion piece, likely for a media outlet to gather some stats.

I know quite a few women who returned to work. As a small business we hired SAHMs to work for us on a contracting basis, they were friends of mine who previously had worked in a professional careers before stopping work to look after their kids - lawyers, hr consultants, analysts and economists - we didn't need them full time - they were very flexible and they were very well paid and they made a valuable contribution. Employers can be very open to these kinds of arrangements. Of course returning to work can be difficult due to confidence levels but from what I've seen - that quickly returns.
There's a lot of untapped talent out there - SAHMs can return to work successfully but there are obstacles - most of them exist only in the minds of narrow minded employers.

Nope no one has said to me being aSAHM (after my second) was ‘lazy’. We were fortunate to be able to afford one working parent and as I had my kids in my 40s I’d already worked for almost 20 years. I got involved with the school and I think my kids really benefitted from me being around. I certainly wasn’t sitting on my butt all day watching TV. And I don’t think that’s a judgement that’s made online either.

I said this. I left a very high paying job where I was quite senior. I expect I could go back because I still see my old bosses and they always ask me when I'm returning haha. I don't think they're joking, as I was very effective at my job and always achieved my bonus targets.

Actually no, the majority of families with a SAHM are poor with a third of them living below the poverty line in the UK. That is why there is such a push to get women back to work by giving child care incentives because it's the easiest and fastest way to tackle child poverty in the UK. Very few families can live well on one income in the UK. Rich families have nannies and cleaners so they're not really SAHMs anyway they're ladies of leisure. Many SAHMs can't afford to work and it's often lamented among women here. Extremely few women are swanning off on a 16 year career break with enough money to last them that long without their husband earning very highly or struggling for money.

Helps when some use the last years of their SAH time to re-qualify and go ahead someone who is stagnant in their job 😂

Lol. I've never seen a freshly qualified person with no relevant recent experience just go in ahead of everyone else who have been maintaining CPD in their field and abreast of the new research but you keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.

I know lots of SAHMs. The most common pattern in my friendship group has been-

-husband and wife both very high earners working long hours (eg law, finance)
-once children are born, wife becomes a SAHM until school starts
-wife then either stays SAHM but doing substantial voluntary work, or starts a small business, or goes back to work in a role with more defined hours (eg public sector)

Very few wives went back to a 70+ hour week once they had children.

IME it works well for everyone but only because there is plenty of money- wife gets to spend more time with the children and to run the home etc to a very high standard (often with a lot of paid help as well), husband gets to completely opt out of housework so that the very limited time he has available can be spent with the children not scrubbing the loo and gets to have a nice life outside work (social events, holidays) organised by his wife, which might not happen or not so easily if they were both doing those long hours. It's obviously a fairly old fashioned set up and could work just as well with the wife working mega hours and the husband at home, but I only know one couple doing it like that.

Is anyone lazy in this scenario? I'm not sure- clearly the women are working fewer paid hours but is that the benchmark? Maybe a better question is whether everyone is contributing fairly in a way which maximises the well-being of the family, in which case I'm confident that they are. Certainly don't think the husband's well-being would increase if his wife went back to her previous role.
I generally find the MN approach to this stuff is always premised on the idea that the thing everyone needs most is money, so the best way to value a contribution is in terms of how much money it brings in, but that's not true for everyone.

I have a substantial volunteer role providing a children's activity as well as having a full-time job. My choice obviously. SAHPs are, however, conspicuous by their complete and utter absence amongst the volunteers in my area. Out of 25+ volunteers, not a single one is a SAHM. Not one.

Obviously that's a choice that individuals are entitled to make. SAHMs are no more obligated to volunteer than anyone else. But do please stop with the "many do volunteer work" rubbish. Community-minded people volunteer, some of whom may be SAHPs but many of whom also have paid jobs. It's not a virtue specific to SAHPs.

@SerenaCat93 - you only know two SAHMs in a particular demographic. You are clearly sneering about them, but don't extrapolate this to SAHMs in general because it makes you sound a bit silly to be honest. There are millions of SAHMs in circumstances you have no experience of and no idea about.

That’s cute, but I’m not setting a bad example to my kids by being a SAHM. My girls who are 4 and 6 already know how to tidy up after themselves, help with jobs around the house.

they know Daddy goes out to work but Mummy works at home. They don’t see 1 as lesser value to the other, they see them as equal to help our household run well

People stuck forever in a job they hate and not having the time to see their kids, and resentful of others who do have the freedom.

as opposed to women who have study and work for years to be in a position to stay with their kids if they wanted to. Because their own priority is a few years with their kids and putting their career on hold, or simply changing career full stop when and if they decide to get a job back.

I know which of the 2 will be the better example for my own kids 😂

Of course they do. It’s very cute. Also cute that they see that while Daddy gets paid for doing surgery/building houses/ selling artisan bread/making documentaries/ solving crimes, Mummy mops the floors and does ‘jobs around the house’ that people who work are able to accomplish in a few hours a week. Of course the ‘probes around the house’ are of less value! They weren’t when growing, cooking, and preserving food for a household was a FT job involving skill and experience in an era before refrigeration and labour-saving devices. Now anyone without a disability can fit them into a few hours a week around their jobs.

Do you think working parents children don't know how to do those things? Really?

Well, my life mainly as a SAHM since having the girls was certainly not how I meant or wanted it to go, it just turned out that way, lol. So, I could get on and do it with as good a grace as I could, and as well as I could, or spiral even deeper into alcohol and sertraline.

Thankfully, the girls heeded my advice that I should serve as a useful warning, rather than a good example.

They are both doing five year degrees, one of them in medicine, and working hard at being able to pay their own way in life, by their own graft, and I'm tremendously proud of them. Neither of them can clean the skirting boards for shit though. . .

You’re just going to twist my comment to fit your narrative? I didn’t say anything of the sort. You said the kids of SAHMs you know don’t know how or don’t do those things so I pointed out that mine do, even at a young age. So I have no concerns about my children going up to be feckless or spoilt