AIBU to want my own bedroom after years of sharing?

[Seeing70]

Just that really. I fantasise all the time about having my own room, one that I can retreat to, read in, go to sleep in all by myself. I envy my teens their rooms. One of them is going off to uni and I am planning to decamp to her room, but I know that my husband of 20+ years will be hurt/offended, so the guilt will taint the pleasure of stretching out in a bed, by myself and being able to read as late as I like or get up in the night if I can’t sleep, or even start keeping a diary again before I fall sleep (or do a quick beard-pluck in private) all without worrying about disturbing anyone (or being disturbed by pesky questions about what I’m reading/writing).

Does anyone else feel this intense longing for their own space? Has anyone achieved it without hurting their spouse’s feelings?

Since menopause I have been snoring like a train, my husband has to get up for work at 4.30am, so I compromised and went into the upstairs spare room (if he went upstairs, he would wake me moving around in the kitchen and bathroom early in the mornings as 'our' bedroom is downstairs) I bought a small double bed and re-decorated the room. I sleep downstairs every Friday night and Saturday night and it suits us both as we both get sleep during the week, and can catch up with sleep if we need to on the weekend. Maybe you could tell him, he's snoring and you have to move out😂

This ^ I’m a light sleeper and husband snores. Even when he doesn’t snore, I will still wake multiple times in the night with him tossing and turning. This was my reason to move him into the spare room. Soooooo much better!

Last year after I had a bad accident and 2 operations my husband and I moved into separate bedrooms so he wouldn’t accidentally kick my injured leg.
I have always been a night owl, wandering the house, reading etc so it was actually good for both of us. He got to sleep uninterrupted and I got to sit up in bed reading, listening to music and drinking cuppas at all hours.
Once I recovered from my injuries we decided we both preferred separate bedrooms and have stuck with it.
Neither of us was offended or felt shunned by the other. After 5+ decades of marriage we definitely still love each other but enjoy separate bedrooms.

It’s surprising the number of other couples we know who sleep in separate rooms especially when one partner is a snorer!

No you are not wrong to want your own space.

I moved into a spare room some years ago, when I had a cough that was keeping both of us awake.

I have never moved back - we are both getting on a bit now, so there are frequent up and downs for wees, which can also disturb the other.

I don’t sleep well, so read a lot in bed, and even the light from my Kindle could disturb dh. It’s lovely to stretch out or starfish in a king size, only trouble is when guests are here, and I have to move to the spare single!

You can still meet up for a cuddle in the morning…

I love my room, it's like a giant hug when I go in and close the door. All decorated for me, no sign of a man in there. It's fine, it doesn't interrupt intimacy or any other crap people come up with and it means you get on with each other so much better as you sleep well.

They get used and usually find they sleep better as well. I don't think husband would want me back in there

I love my feminine energy bedroom. No compromise, just mine. Bedside table bit cluttered with my potions. Pile of my books on the floor. My perfume collection on display. Loads of pillows!

go for it, op, quality of life boost, for sure.

I love it too! Every day's a holiday! 💝

This sounds like my bedroom despite having a husband who shares it 🤣

Me and my DH have had our own rooms for years, I do end up sharing with our DC as they come in with me to sleep but love my own space! Do it!

I've been married for more than half a century, but we have each had our own bedroom and bathroom for the last 20 odd years. This explains why we are still married.

It began so that we could accommodate our work schedules - we both had jobs where there was a lot of travel and very early starts. But there was also the side issue of my husband's snoring and even more crucially, his smoking. Once the kids had left home there was no reason for me to put up with sleeping in a smoky atmosphere and the ghastly tobacco stink that permeated the bedding and my clothes. My husband wasn't too happy about it at first, but since he wasn't prepared to stop smoking, I went ahead anyway.

After a short time he started to enjoy the freedom he gained to sleep and wake to his own schedule, to turn out the light when he was ready and to enjoy the luxury of stretching out in much bigger space. Neither of us would ever contemplate sharing a room again now - we sleep much better, enjoy early nights and lie-ins whenever we wish and the time we do spend together is all the better for it.

Go for it OP - you'll be surprised to learn how common this is amongst long married couples once their children have flown the nest!

We did this, then had a spare bedroom. We usually started off each night together but rarely woke up together, he would wake in the night and go to spare room, or I couldn’t get t9 sleep and would go thee. Different sleeping patterns. It worked for us! We were lucky as after the children left h9me we had 4 bedrooms, all got used! 😊 then in recent years after he had a stroke he wanted to sleep separately, I missed the going to bed together and reading chatting till lights out, but totally used to my own bed now. I’d love to be able to go back to the old pattern though- that was the best of both worlds.

I would be very sad if this happened to us, we have a super king though and I wear earplugs, but I think there is an intimacy in sleeping together that I’d be sad to lose. So definitely not for me. I see our room as that, ours which means also mine, I certainly don’t understand the whole I’ve got to share thing. I’m afraid I’d assume the marriage lacked closeness and was more a house snare co parenting agreement,

Glad you're not my husband! Actually, it was my DH who suggested we try sleeping in separate rooms over 20 years ago. Should I have made plans to leave him then? We're still very happily married and both of us are very satisfied with our improved sleep and it hasn't adversely affected our relationship. You should try it!

Wow defensive much, the poster is allowed an opinion. No idea why you saw your arse over it.

I’d definitely go for it.
Just be really kind when you ‘sell’ it to him.

YANBU

We have separate rooms after sharing a bed for 35 years. Snoring the main issue plus DH goes to sleep immediately whereas I need to read for as long as I want. When adult DCs come to stay we have to share and I resort to Nytol, earplugs and a gin anaesthetic. And go to bed first to read.

Gosh @Backawayfromthesausage

@SylvanMoon was hardly defensive, in fact I would go further and if my DH had centred his own needs and ego like @Weald56 I would have booted him out myself!

Can no one read?
Women are describing persistent lack of sleep with snoring husbands who wont do anything about it
Ita akin to torture, it destroys relationships and anger and resentment build
I was heading for a breakdown
I gave zero fucks about intimacy @Backawayfromthesausage I was in survival mode fearing for my mind, my job and my health

Women are not robots, they are flesh and blood, usually bearing caring burdens one way or another
There was also the upside that I no longer had to experience my DH less than appealing habits😬
Intimacy not just seximproved, sleep was bliss , arguments and snappiness ceased
But there was something else
I had space to be myself again, instead of being a role others assigned me ,after years of demands on me, sex, pregnancy, breastfeeding, children touching me all bloody day, I could just stretch out alone and be me, get dressed and do my make up alone, sleep, read,just lie down and admire my lovely room and just be...

Heaven absolute heaven

I love having my own room. H moved out in a strop because I was ill and keeping him awake (no mention of the times that he’s kept me awake). I think he thought I’d be devastated but it’s brilliant! And I won’t go back to sharing despite him really wanting to.

There’s something about having the space of your own plus what a pp said about blokes often wanting it all their own way - H certainly did and was really very inconsiderate and I just don’t want to put up with that anymore.

This! It’s a desire just to be me again. I am too much to everyone else in the house, apart from oldest DC who is gaining independence. I just want a space to be me!

I mean, I like your honesty, but does it not give you pause that the vast majority of women here seem to relish the idea of having their own space?

Um people who are responding are the ones who agree with you. I think if you did a poll of all women of mumsnet user you’d be in the minority.

My DH is dead, so im going back, perhaps 6 or 7 years? But we moved house, and the one condition I had was that i would have my own room to escape to, just me, with my books, pillows, dog and space that was mine.
DH wasn't overjoyed at first, thought it was a rejection of him, but accepted it was just me needing my own space- he had his study where he did all sorts of hobbies and he admitted he probably spent more waking hours in there than I did in my own bedroom.

It was wonderful.

We spent each and every day living in each other's pockets, but every night I said 'goodnight' and closed the door on the whole world.
I could watch crap on TV, listen to the Archers on catch up, read my books till 4 in the morning if I wanted to, make a cuppa at my 'tea station' and drink it at 5am if I was awake.
It was my space.
I have the whole house now, but still feel that way everytime I go into my bedroom😁

Do it OP, everyone will benefit if you're happier😊

I was addressing the gentleman who thinks his marriage would be over if his wife wanted to sleep separately. It is clear from the responses here that a woman can love her husband yet want her own space. I’m not suggesting for a minute, that I know what the majority of women think about this (unlike yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️) just the majority on this thread (about this issue).

Do it !
I didnt really even know I felt that way until I got into my beautiful bed and stretched out alone.
It was like breathing again
DH decorated my room for me once the drama of me decamping had died down and he realised what a twat he had been and how much better our life was