AIBU to want my own bedroom after years of sharing?

[Seeing70]

Just that really. I fantasise all the time about having my own room, one that I can retreat to, read in, go to sleep in all by myself. I envy my teens their rooms. One of them is going off to uni and I am planning to decamp to her room, but I know that my husband of 20+ years will be hurt/offended, so the guilt will taint the pleasure of stretching out in a bed, by myself and being able to read as late as I like or get up in the night if I can’t sleep, or even start keeping a diary again before I fall sleep (or do a quick beard-pluck in private) all without worrying about disturbing anyone (or being disturbed by pesky questions about what I’m reading/writing).

Does anyone else feel this intense longing for their own space? Has anyone achieved it without hurting their spouse’s feelings?

I'm currently single and LOVE the bliss of my own bed (and house, actually). But I'm interested in the number of men versus women who suggest the 'own room' thing. Because it does seem to be predominantly women who suggest separate rooms (and often because of snoring) and men who protest against it. Is that right or am I just reading biased information?

Because I think women get 'touched out' and if you add menopausal heat and a restless partner, I wouldn't be at all surprised to find that this is something most women would prefer but men would rail against.

I think I’m the outlier here! I’d hate separate bedrooms! DH does have some occasional snoring issues and he tosses and turns a lot due to his fibro so if I’m struggling to sleep I take myself off to the spare room that I’ve made cosy and girly but I prefer to sleep together. I’m away from home 3 nights a week and stay at my parents and I always find I sleep better at home with DH (except when he snores! But I sleep well in the spare room too)

Edited to add- we’ve only been together 5 years so I may sing a different tune in 30 years time!!

I don’t want a separate bedroom as I enjoy sleeping together but with my ex we had our bedroom + a room each and it was great.

It’s not an affordable reality for me anymore but for anyone who can, I strongly recommend it.

My partner is a night owl, people may think this is weird but I love falling asleep by myself, it doesn't mean we don't spend time together, but I shoo him out the room when I'm ready to go to sleep as he won't be sleeping for hours.

Yes and I have my own bedroom. I love it. I'm introverted and being able to retreat to my place any time I need my space is heaven. Go for it but make sure you explained why it is important for you and that it is not about getting away from them.

DH and I sleep in separate bedrooms. It's kind of evolved for various reasons but so prefer it to sharing a room.
We get our own space and can sort bedtime/wake up to suit ourselves.
Means I can keep my space calm and tidy and he has to sort his own mess out!!

I must be in the minority here but I can’t imagine not wanting to sleep with my partner. He snores and fidgets but I sleep better with him than without. What impact would it have on your sex life too?

20 years married, separate bedrooms is the reason why!

I don't personally. But that doesn't mean how you feel is wrong. You're entitled to want your own space. I'd point out that your children have their own rooms, why shouldn't you have the same luxury?

I'm sure that's how all married couples who have separate bedrooms started out.....

I’m counting down the days till one of mine moves out so I can have my own room. I frequently fantasise about how I’m going to furnish it! I’m the only person in my house without a dedicated space, and consequently all my stuff is all over the place - lots of hobbies! I don’t think I’d actually sleep in it very often though.

Thankfully both DC are adults so only a matter of time!

I’ve my own room and my own massive bed for the last 10+ years of marriage. It’s wonderful.
we visit each other for sleepovers. But we have our own space.

My husband sleeps in the spare room since our kid arrived as he is a bad sleeper and he likes it better there. I do sometimes feel rejected as he doesn’t seem to need any cuddle time ever and I always have to instigate it, but he’s also messier than me and it’s actually nice to have my own room and just invite him in when I want him lol! It’s great to spread out and not be disturbed if he comes to bed later. It’s defo not the beginning of the end but make sure you reassure him about that and make sure there are plenty of hugs and physical contact if he likes that kind of thing.

This is probably why I’m struggling with guilt to be honest, because we have had some difficulties over the last few years, largely because life has thrown some horrendous shit our way (I don’t want to go into too much detail because it might be outing, but truly out of the ordinary stuff), and I am totally burnt out. In good times, we complement each other, but in bad, I feel like I’m the only grown-up in the house and that, combined with menopause has killed off my sex drive. I’ve always said, if money were no object, I’d have like a bigger house so we could have our own rooms, and get together for sex when we fancied, but the desire for my own space now is overwhelming. Because some of our kids struggle with MH and physical illness, I am never alone in the house. I never know when someone’s going to need me for something and I’m someone who has always needed some alone-time to maintain my equilibrium. At the same time, it would be easier for OH to no t take this personally, if we were currently having sex.

I moved out, supposedly temporarily, to the spare room after an operation but never went back. It turned out that both DH and I preferred it

I moved into another room at covid lockdown because I had a lot of trouble sleeping and also having very weird vivid dreams (I know a few people who had the same re: dreams). I just never went back because eventually we found we were sleeping so much better/not waking each other when getting up for the loo or to potter when sleepless. We're both happy with this and have no plans for divorce:)

I have my own room. It is utter bliss. My DH was a bit hurt/offended at the start but he’s used to it now and sleeps better too. Our sex life is fine too. Do it OP. You won’t regret it

I know exactly how you feel! I treat our main bedroom like that on a weekend while DP is watching racing or whatever. But late nights would be better!

Maybe sell it to your husband by telling him that he can visit you in the room between the hours of 5 to 7 (5 to 5.30 if the book you are reading is really good). Tell him to ask for Claudine on Monday.s & Thursdays, Lola on Tuesdays, and Rachel Reeves on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays but that those days will hurt his wallet considerably... Also explain that due to the increase in tax & NI contributions you can't afford to be anyone on Sundays.

I moved into the spare room after an operation that I needed to be on the bottom floor for afterwards as I couldn't walk the stairs. He got used to it and I sleep most nights in there now and my 'stuff' slowly followed....he sulked a bit at first, but now admits to actually enjoying his own space too and we both sleep better. As long as we still have our intimate times together, sleeping separately has so far not been an issue.

I had my own room for 6 years as my DH snored. When he finally got a cpap machine 2 years ago I moved back in. We did get a super king bed though and I put a barrier of tall pillows between us to block out noise/light as he stays up looking at his phone. I do prefer to be in the same room as him though and it has worked out ok. A big bed definitely helps a lot.

This!

I decamp to the spare room on a regular basis. Husband works odd hours, I like to read which I cant do in our room. And I like to wake up with the light - our room is blacked out due to OHs odd hours.

Love my own space, and we both sleep better for it. I move back in to the shared bed every so often, to keep him happy 🤣

My dh sleeps like a rock so i can do all those things while he snores.
I would love two single beds with zipped together for extra room.
Two duvets help

I think my dh would be quite upset, but luckily he’s away at least two nights most weeks for work, so I feel like I get the best of both worlds.