AIBU to want my own bedroom after years of sharing?

[Seeing70]

Just that really. I fantasise all the time about having my own room, one that I can retreat to, read in, go to sleep in all by myself. I envy my teens their rooms. One of them is going off to uni and I am planning to decamp to her room, but I know that my husband of 20+ years will be hurt/offended, so the guilt will taint the pleasure of stretching out in a bed, by myself and being able to read as late as I like or get up in the night if I can’t sleep, or even start keeping a diary again before I fall sleep (or do a quick beard-pluck in private) all without worrying about disturbing anyone (or being disturbed by pesky questions about what I’m reading/writing).

Does anyone else feel this intense longing for their own space? Has anyone achieved it without hurting their spouse’s feelings?

I think that in general men object to separate rooms but also expect to have it all their way, going to bed when and as they want, ditto getting up. Some are considerate, but most will just expect their partner to adapt.

Women are often lighter sleepers, and more likely to take the other person's sleep into consideration. So they compromise all the way, and they build up resentment.

Part of the reason dh moved to another room regularly was that after dc (who didn't sleep through until they were 4, so between them gave me 7 years of no sleep!) I felt I had given enough and I wanted to sleep exactly how I wanted it, and if dh didn't want that I was perfectly happy to sleep on my own. And he was conscious of disturbing me if he woke in the middle of the night (which he often does)

He felt rejected if I moved to another room, so he moved himself (not sure why that made a difference, but it did). Until eventually I suggested that having the room next to mine might be more convenient than the one the other end of the house when we start out together and then he moves.

I have just ( still in the middle of ) reconfigured out house and whilst DH would be totally " this is the end of our marriage " if I insisted on separate beds/ rooms. I have turned the ensuite room into a dressing room - with mostly my clothes and my things - he has a wardrobe but most of his clothes are going in the dresser which is now in our new bedroom which is just a room with a superkingsize bed , an armchair , two bedsides and one dresser

Im post meno. I dont sleep much and a few nights a week will find me getting up and going to one of the spare rooms

The "dressing room" is becoming my compromise , and with the ensuite leading off it its leaning towards me pinching that for personal use ( main bathroom across from bedroom ) , then spending as much time as I need in the dressing room - without disturbing him. I have a lovely comfortable chair and a blanket there already

We both work different days and times, Hes a bed for 10 man, Im a bed for when my eyes are closing - often 2 or 3 am. He would happily sleep to 10 am, Im out the door at 5;30 am and get home when hes just getting up

Its a compromise

I do love by DH, I just find sleeping in the same bed as him hard . He produces a lot of body heat, and the more space in a bed he gets, the more he uses

So this is what Im trying now

Do it OP! Perhaps as a way of still being connected you can leave your doors open? We do that sometimes. We have our own bedrooms - it’s bliss! Mine is small, but decorated the way I want. My DP and I have such different night habits that it’s the only way we get any decent sleep. It started when one of us had COVID and then both realised we slept SO much better. (Maybe a period of illness could kick start it?) It makes sex more fun because we can invite each other ‘over.’ 🤗 Coffee in bed in the morning, alone with a book and listening to the birds is the best start to the day for me…

Yanbu at all.

I have my own room but I can't say I recommend my way of getting it. I was just like you feeling more and more strongly that I needed my own space. It became intolerable to bear this unmet need when I was diagnosed with cancer and I remember the nights where I would be incomniac and crying next to my blissfully unaware snoring DP. My chance to engineer a tactful way to ask for the change came when I started chemotherapy which involved having a slow drip in my arm for 72 hours at a time at home and I said I couldn't deal with that without having the width of a double bed to myself in order to be comfortable with my arm so constrained. This following up with discussions of how perimenopause would be around the corner once the cancer was beaten and the difficulty of sharing a bed when the hot flushes come around, and how as we age and sleep less well we will both appreciate not being woken up by each other, and all in all it was agreed and settled.

You probably don't need a cancer diagnosis to provide a justification as there are plenty of valid reasons, but it certainly helped.

(Yes cancer free now)

Happy to hear that last part 😘

I am single and adore having my own room.

I don’t really plan to ever live with another adult (other than an adult dc) again but if I did I’d definitely be having my own room. I could never go back to sharing a room full time (as in not having my own room, as opposed to just sharing a room when having sex / staying with a partner)

Yes we would have divorced due to DH snoring and lack of sleep

I love having my own room
No smells, farting, snoring, mess and best of all 8 hours of blissful peace
Its decorated beautifully
Aaaah !!

I have a separate room. We both love it. We can’t sleep in the same room it drives us crazy. I love the peace and so does he.

I’ve been living with my partner for six years and he very kindly moved into another room one one of his kids moved out to go to uni because we can’t sleep properly in bed next to each other. We both find it absolutely blissful having our own space to read and as you say it’s wonderful to be able to put the light out whenever you feel like it and also, for me, to be able to get up super early when I feel like it without disturbing him. I think we have a great relationship and I’m sure separate bedrooms has something to do with it!

Yeah, this! Slowly add a bed haha that way it's not a sudden shock, just a natural development.

Oh I have found my tribe. My 3 kids have their own rooms but I have to share.. it feels so unfair sometimes. I just really want my own space, if I had my own little study or reading nook I'd probably get over the bedroom. I also think bedrooms should have just beds. If dh and i shared a bedroom with just a bed that would be ok. What annoys me is the sharing of other stuff, access to the ensuite and opening and closing of wardrobes and storage etc. If I want to chill out he always has to pop in to get something. I would love a storage/ changing room adjacent and you get ready for bed there and just tip toe into a darkened bedroom.

I think that every couple (no matter how old they are), if they have the space to do it, should have separate bedrooms. We've had that now for over 10 years, and it's wonderful. I have a single bed in my room, but my DH has our kingsized bed that I sometimes join him in. But the fact that we can go to bed or rise at different times without disturbing one another, or be concerned that our snoring or difficulty falling asleep is going to be a problem. It's not saying that you don't love your DH, but it's saying that you respect each other as individuals and that you want to give one another the chance to have that space and also to get good sleep. It also makes those times when you do share a bed more special.

I’ve never shared! Smoking and snoring were the original reasons (him). Then vaping and snoring. I seriously don’t know how people do it.

You could pretend to take up vaping?

I used to love snuggling up with the kids when they were little. At one point DS2 told me to ' get out of his bed' It was like a shard to my heart 😀
I have my own room though and it's bliss. DH and I have other issues but what started off with snoring leading to me being in the spare room to me making my own room to now where I have my own double bed and telly!

Same. Kids no issue, especially when little, but even now, though I did feel a bit touched out when breast-feeding and experienced a temporary loss of libido then.

Yes, I’d love that too…. But dh would be mortally offended. I’d type more but he’s already thrown a strop cause I’m still
on my phone….

I’m loving these comments! Thank you everyone. Off to start planning my decor . . .

We sleep separately. I was so sad when we started it but I love it!

He’s in bed 4 hours before me and up the same, we both sleep well. On a weekend or holiday we sleep together with no issues.

I’d recommend it to anyone.

im not a fan of calling it sleep divorce as the celebs seem to.

Same, same, same!!

Either separate rooms or murder.

We were a household of musical beds when the kids were small. We co slept until the kids decided they wanted their own beds at around 2 years old. Then I moved back in with hubby. However I have insomnia and he is a very light sleeper so we were just disturbing each other. We now have separate rooms and it was the best thing we ever did. We watch TV in bed together, have very regular sex (in his bed) and we get a full nights undisturbed sleep. Works brilliantly here.

People around is though find it weird and think that we must be on the verge of divorce.

Just do all this anyway.

DH and I have had separate rooms since our kids were in infants (he is in bed by 9, up at 5, snores/pees multiple times and I dealt with the kids, their sickness/all of our migraines etc without impacting his ability to drive to and function at work).

It has been great for our marriage - we still bunk together at weekends and holidays and visit during the week for cuddles. I actually know several people who swear by it and are happily married (still.. or as a result of it.). DH and I have been together for 34 years, married 24 and still enjoy each other’s company on weekends away etc. I think the privacy and space has actually enhance intimacy and our enjoyment of each other. But I also know some people would think we are weird.

He’s been in bed for hours, but I will take the dogs out for their bed time pee in a minute, check on the DC (18/21, still up gaming or doing uni studies) and then head off myself knowing I will not disturb him. Works for us.

Unfortunately we only have a one bedroomed apartment, so my own bedroom is only a dream! However DH works nights! So I get the bed all to myself, nothing as blissful as fresh sheets, a good book to curl up with, and the fact that I don't have to listen to his nasal orchestra going into overdrive!

I am totally with you OP. I stopped sharing a room with my DH about 18 months ago ( due to his snoring) and I haven't looked back and can't believe that I have spent nearly 40 years sharing a bed and room with various men ( not all at the same time!) I seem to have come full circle and spend time in my room reading and writing like I did as a teenager. He seems to be happy with the arrangement too, he has never been a good sleeper and he can get up and down in the night without waking me. The luxury of stretching out and not having to explain myself is utter bliss. We can share for a few nights if we go away, but I am so happy to get back to my own space. So you definitely not being unreasonable. For the first few months I felt there was bit of stigma attached to not sharing a bed and it was not a good sign for a marriage, but now I don't care what anyone else thinks if the topic comes up.

I sleep on the sofa, often. Mostly because I can't sleep with his snoring and crawl onto the sofa in the night and sometimes I will just tell him am shattered and go to sleep on the sofa straight away. The sofa is much more comfy and I sleep much better there.

Do it OP. Just make time for each other too.