AIBU to want my own bedroom after years of sharing?

[Seeing70]

Just that really. I fantasise all the time about having my own room, one that I can retreat to, read in, go to sleep in all by myself. I envy my teens their rooms. One of them is going off to uni and I am planning to decamp to her room, but I know that my husband of 20+ years will be hurt/offended, so the guilt will taint the pleasure of stretching out in a bed, by myself and being able to read as late as I like or get up in the night if I can’t sleep, or even start keeping a diary again before I fall sleep (or do a quick beard-pluck in private) all without worrying about disturbing anyone (or being disturbed by pesky questions about what I’m reading/writing).

Does anyone else feel this intense longing for their own space? Has anyone achieved it without hurting their spouse’s feelings?

Had them for years, partly because we became light sleepers and constantly disturbed each other, and then because we found we both liked having our own space. It's so much more civilised.

We have separate bedrooms. I had wanted my own room for a while but It started when I had a chest infection and was coughing all night so I moved into the spare room so I could let him sleep in peace... and I never moved back. I've gone from sleeping in the spare room to sleeping in my own room, decorated the way I want, with all my own things around me. I don't get woken up by his snoring or getting up for a wee, I can have my mattress on an incline (for my gastric reflux), I can put the light on if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can read a book before I go to sleep. He doesn't get woken up by my snoring or getting up for a wee and he can watch television in bed (which I hate).

We are definitely NOT on the verge of a marriage breakdown. It has done us both good I think. No resentment at being woken up or kept awake for a start!

It worked for Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn.

We’re in the process of deciding whether to get a super king bed or for me to decamp permanently to the spare room. It’s been bliss me being there temporarily (combination of snoring/ frozen shoulder/ peri symptoms), but then much harder coming back. Making the effort to have a night and morning cuddle, and sex at another time in the day when teens are not around has helped.

OK I've never even considered this as an option and now I desperately want my own room 😂

This is one of the reasons I love being single. My room, all my stuff where I want it, no-one in there annoying me (except the cat) it's total bliss. What's more annoying than being disturbed when you are trying to read?! I don't think YABU.

My husband and I have our own bedrooms - it's been the best thing for both of us as he's really fidgety in his sleep and a duvet hogger and now I'm in menopause, I've also become really fidgety in my sleep and go through phases of wanting the duvet and then not wanting it and kicking it off.
Also I suffer chronic pain so wake often in the night plus he could easily hurt me with his fidgeting without meaning to.

We've been in our bedrooms for years now and at first, it was horrible for both of us but now we really value it. We just ensure that we stay emotionally close to each other and we often have conversations through the wall like daft teenagers.

We've both got our own rooms decorated exactly as we wanted them and I can surround myself with my scented candles etc that he hates.

We're actually closer now than we were, because we're both getting better sleep and we're not waking each other up if the other has a bad night.

My DH took a lot of convincing and reassurance we wouldn't become like housemates but eventually came round after we had to sleep separately for a bit due to an injury. We were both so much better rested, no more arguing over snoring etc.

When we started looking at buying our own place, that was a must have and while it took us over a decade to achieve we now both have our own bedrooms and our marriage has never been stronger. We're more rested, more patient with eachother, we both have independent space to decompress and enjoy, and there is something fun about when we choose to have a sleepover 'your place or mine....'

If you can make it work, I absolutely recommend it.

Separate bedrooms don't have to be dead bedrooms.

I have my own room and so does my partner. We love being able to have space and privacy to do our own thing. I use my room as a work studio too. We sometimes visit each other for a chat and other stuff ;-)

I can’t say I’ve ever felt this tbh. I’m only 13 years in though. If I want to read and not disturb DH I stay in the living room. When you own/rent the house… all the rooms are yours

I don't know that seperate bedrooms was the cause of my exH cheating or the demise of marriage - I do know that was for the best in hindsight - but I prefer to sleep next to DH, and in 12 years we've only had a period of 5 months when we slept apart while I cared for my eldery cat and it let us both get enough sleep. I was quick to get back in the same room as soon as we could.

I do think it erodes some connection on some level.

Its been the exact opposite for me
Snoring, farting, lack of sleep was eroding our connection
Its been the best thing I ever did
I love my room

Seperate bedrooms is bliss. I simply don’t always want company. Do it, you’ll love it.

I would go for it if you have the space , I would have loved my own room with my ex as his snoring was awful and used to wake the whole house , he didn’t like me moving in bed because I disturbed him and i occasionally breathed on him , don’t think he liked me very much lol .
I wouldn’t like to sleep separately from my now husband as he’s the perfect unicorn of a sleeper , no snoring and doesn’t fidget in fact one night he was uncovered and so cold I thought he was dead , having a super king bed helps too .

We deliberately sleep separately for last 5 years, hasn’t affected our relationship in a negative way at all. In fact we’re really happy to see each other in the morning after a great nights sleep.

I’m guessing your DH just doesn’t like change 🤷‍♀️

Did it a few years ago as I snore and my husband twitches. We used to wake each other up and then be in foul moods. Best decision we ever made
I redecorated the room making it more feminine and a place for me to relax and his room is a shrine to golf plus he’s got a large TV in there. If we are not working he will come through and get in for a cuddle.
it actually helped our relationship. Mind you all the dogs and cats still sleep with me 🙄

This!!!! We were really upsetting each other as he was getting really arsey with me every night after HE woke me up snoring. We were arguing in the middle of the night until he went off to the sofa in a strop. That's not good for any relationship.

It's all very well saying you need to sleep together to keep a connection when neither of you disturb one another!! Impossible when you're both sleep deprived because of his bloody snoring, fidgeting and twice nightly loo visits.

The only openly sleeping in separate room couple I know lead very much house share type relationships.

I couldn’t do it. If dh wanted his own permanent bedroom he could find it in his own bachelor pad.

I think it’s a good idea , have it all lovely with the colours you’d like, the bed and bedlinen you’d like , all smelling lovely .
If you want windows open or closed or a fan on it’s up to you .
Go to bed / sleep / read when you want to without disturbing your husband.
I shared a bed and/ or a bedroom for years .
I didn’t have my own room when I lived with my parents as a child/ teenager.
I didn’t even have my own room in uni halls or shared accommodation .
When some of my children grew up and left home I used their bedrooms to get a good nights sleep.
in our current house I have my own bedroom and it’s lovely, I think I would be exhausted otherwise

I have a pathological aversion to snoring due to living with someone with sleep apnoea. The whole 20+ years that we were together, he refused to do anything about it until it began to affect his health. Then he got a diagnosis and a CPAP Machine. For our entire relationship, I was exhausted and burnt out. It was genuinely torture. Just talking about it, triggers me. When I met my now, husband and we slept together for the first time I went into panic mode laying awake listening for the slightest sound. I realised after four years of living on my own and sleeping like a baby at last I wasn’t prepared to go back to sharing again. When we retired and moved, my one condition was that the house was big enough to have a bedroom each. Luckily, we found our ideal house and we have two bedrooms with en suites. He is an early Bird and I am a night owl so sleeping together would never have worked. I can’t tell you what bliss It is to have your own space with your own bed and your own bathroom! I read, I watch telly, I fall asleep when I want to, I get up when I want to. I always made this clear to my husband so he knew upfront. It was not negotiable. I can understand if you’ve been in a relationship where you’ve shared a bed and then decide you no longer want to It’s a quite different situation, so I do think you need to have a conversation about it. Ultimately, you can’t sacrifice your real desire to have your own space so as not to hurt your Partner's feelings. Explain that it’s having an impact on your physical and mental health not having your personal space and good sleep. If he puts his feelings before your health, I would not be inclined to care about his feelings on the matter. Many many couples have separate rooms in later life.

Mine is / was like that too .
he also snored he had nightmares.
one time he whacked me in his sleep so I’d had enough and started using the kids rooms if they were ever away on a sleepover or a school trip .
i even shared a pull out bed in my little one’s room

My husband and I came to a compromise, I have the spare room with all a wardrobe, drawers a dresser and all my books. He brought me a recliner chair and bookcases and it is my little sanctuary. I still sleep in the same room with my husband so have the best of both worlds.

I have a very healthy marriage and sex life but i would say 2-3 nights a week i sleep on my own and DH will de bunk. I just say im tired tonight and want my own space, or he’ll have got back late etc. It’s a great mix and I do enjoy having the peace and quiet. i’m sure you could do a mix without offending him

I’d be interested to read a thread where a husband suggests this. I get the feeling he’d be accused of all sorts of reasons, none positive.

i wouldn’t be enthusiastic if my partner suggested this and I’d feel it was a vote of no confidence in the relationship to be honest

Our solution (I'm a nightowl) is that I come to bed an hour or two after they go to bed. The real issue was my OH's inability to fall asleep when I am in the bed. That seems to have done the trick