AIBU to want my own bedroom after years of sharing?

[Seeing70]

Just that really. I fantasise all the time about having my own room, one that I can retreat to, read in, go to sleep in all by myself. I envy my teens their rooms. One of them is going off to uni and I am planning to decamp to her room, but I know that my husband of 20+ years will be hurt/offended, so the guilt will taint the pleasure of stretching out in a bed, by myself and being able to read as late as I like or get up in the night if I can’t sleep, or even start keeping a diary again before I fall sleep (or do a quick beard-pluck in private) all without worrying about disturbing anyone (or being disturbed by pesky questions about what I’m reading/writing).

Does anyone else feel this intense longing for their own space? Has anyone achieved it without hurting their spouse’s feelings?

DH and I have had our own rooms for a long time, personally I think if you can afford to have separate bedrooms why wouldn’t you?
Sleep quality is pivotal for health and well being and most people sleep better apart ime.

i took my own room 2 years ago, husband hates it and constantly says he wants us to share again but I love it I can escape in there at night and just read and relax, I never want to sleep with anyone again. I feel so much better with my own space

I shared a bed with my DH and honestly for most of the time it was torture, severe snoring and my MH deteriorated and I was heading for a breakdown
He wasnt thrilled but it was that or divorce
I think all the "gotta sleep with my man"posters are actually getting sleep, I wasnt!

In RL any women who finds out I have my own room is deeply envious
Intimacy does not mean hearing your husband fart all night 😂

I honestly can not think if anything worst, with work family commitments ect . The time cuddled up in bed is our time as we miss each other so much. However talking to my colleagues in work they are of the same view as you, one even told me I was mad. Maybe as someone suggested a off night here and there to start may ease hubbies concerns that you don't want him any more.

My late husband and I had separate bedrooms for a few years because apparently one of us snored! The cheek of it! We spent the first hour or so of every night together in one bed, reading, chatting or cuddling then separated for the night. It felt more intimate and we both slept much better because of it.

When he became ill the separate bedrooms were a necessity but less traumatic because we were used to it.

When my son moved out a decade a go I was quick to claim his room! Husband was a bit put out to begin with but since he likes to be in bed by 9 and I'm still up at 1 am then like to read for a bit I put forward a persuasive case! I'm in a single bed and I sleep so much better without him fidgeting around.
If it's the lack of sex that worries him let him know that it's far more exciting and spontaneous in other locations around the house!

If he can't be what you need, surely that's a bigger thing than wanting your own bedroom? That's relationship ending, in my eyes.

I've got a kind of compromise; DH works away Mon- Fri so I have the bed to myself 4 nights a week, it's lovely, but I look forward to him coming back on a Friday. I think if he was here full time I'd crave a space of my own as well. I've got the spare room as my craft room though! I love being able to leave projects out to work on when I feel like it.

Tbh id make it my library with a big comfy chair and a blanket and lights. And id buy a king-size bed and sleep with my DH

we have single beds but the same room -even then I get up at night and adjourn to my den to read

fascinated to see how many people do want / have separate bedrooms

DP and I have separate homes so only share a bed on a weekend or on holiday - although there are occasions when we are together more often due to circumstances - if I’ve got an early start it disturbs me so one of us will sleep in guest room as I go to bed hours earlier and like to be up early

Can’t imagine not having my own space and peace. Would never marry or live with anyone again. My bedroom is sacrosanct.

I'd be gutted if DH decided to have his own bedroom. I'm a real snuggler and love waking up together, even though DH is a night owl and often goes to bed long after me. We often spend all day apart, working different hours and running around after the DC and hobbies. Starting the day together is lovely.

Can you compromise with a snug, and go to bed quietly if it's really late?

I think its something lots of us think about .. im single with my own home now and grown up kids but when I was in a relationship we did talk about having our own bed and bedrooms.. you can still be close I think if its approached the right way it can be a healthy way to live everyone needs space of their own .

Yes this is what we do. I don’t want to share a bedroom

Everyone deserves their own space and a good night's sleep, just do it , he may sulk for a bit . I'm sure you can get together at other times and it may improve your relationship in the long run

I’ve had my own room for 19 years since my husband died when I was 54 . I miss him but love having my own space.

I’m sorry for your loss. This is it though - you can hanker after some space, without it being a rejection of your DP. There’s been some research recently that found that men sleep better with their partner nearby, and women with their dogs 🤣. I didn’t read the actual research, just the article , I’m I don’t know how reliable it is, but it really resonated!

I can see why you’d think that, but it’s not that simple. I might be happier alone, but that’s not a good enough reason to inflict unhappiness on the rest of the family when it’s circumstances that have changed me and my perception of him, rather than him that’s changed.

Not being unreasonable at all I moved out to the spare room about a year ago. I just felt that I wasn’t sleeping well all that perimenopause stuff and stuff and I just wanted to be able to have a good night sleep. I was constantly worried that I was sweating or facing the wrong direction or having my knee in the wrong place so I took it upon myself to start sleeping in the spare room. Yes he was upset. He took offence but you know what? I just said. I’m not a nice person. If I don’t have good sleep got nothing to do with you and more to do with me and the fact that I’m really valued my my sleep in space right now. We decided that we would share a room on the weekends when sleep wasn’t as important and then also I will sleep in a separate bed if he comes home late at night. Why come home late at night or there’s a reason to? I think it’s all really about communication.

Best thing we did. I have central sleep apnea after a stroke & the machine drives himself crazy, I like dark & quiet. He has restless legs, sleeps dreadfully, always has since a child, he likes TV or music plus a lamp on most of the night as he wanders about due to insomnia. I swear it saved our marriage. It's only sleeping... Doesn't mean you can't visit each others rooms ... However he always visits me, as apparently my room is far nicer... Yes not full of geeky sci fi stuff, dust & generally cluttered, something we always disagreed about.

Chap here (married for over 40 years) - I have to say if Mrs Weald56 wanted to decamp to sleep in a spare room in a permanent basis (not just during an illness, say), then I'd (sadly) conclude our marriage was in effect over and start making post marriage plans.

YANBU
My husband is a dreadful snorer. We have had separate bedrooms for a few years now. I think otherwise our marriage would not have survived. We have visiting rights of course 😂
I like to read at night, he looks at his phone & the light from it is annoying.
We recently went on holiday and booked two hotel rooms, amazing and relaxing.
36 years and still mad for him (but not the sound effects at night).

Well I wouldn’t plan to take over the room of someone only just going to uni, I’d see how they settle in first and wait at least until they get to the stage where they have a house. It’s quite usual to boomerang.

But when we moved DH got his own room, not to sleep in but game, hobbies etc. He has shared a room all his life and it was a really big deal to him. Neither of us would want to sleep separately though.

OK, I mean I disagree that someone should martyr themselves if they're not happy and know that they'll never be happy in whatever the situation is (you said he can't give you what you need), but it's your life!

I'm definitely a fan of separate bedrooms, I haven't lived with a man for so long that I can't bear them sleeping in my bed. Sex, cuddle, then bye bye 😂