AIBU to want my own bedroom after years of sharing?

[Seeing70]

Just that really. I fantasise all the time about having my own room, one that I can retreat to, read in, go to sleep in all by myself. I envy my teens their rooms. One of them is going off to uni and I am planning to decamp to her room, but I know that my husband of 20+ years will be hurt/offended, so the guilt will taint the pleasure of stretching out in a bed, by myself and being able to read as late as I like or get up in the night if I can’t sleep, or even start keeping a diary again before I fall sleep (or do a quick beard-pluck in private) all without worrying about disturbing anyone (or being disturbed by pesky questions about what I’m reading/writing).

Does anyone else feel this intense longing for their own space? Has anyone achieved it without hurting their spouse’s feelings?

I am moving my daughter into her uni houseshare on Saturday and the first thing I am doing when I get home is putting fresh linen on her bed and moving into her room.

I have been soft launching it for a few months when dd has slept over at her boyfriends just so DH gets used to the idea but I have had enough. He snores like a train and I have been taking nytol or melatonin to have any hope of sleeping FOR YEARS. Even then I end up on the sofa by about 3am at least half of the week.

I will be sad for her to go but I am looking forward to my own space!

We have a joint bedroom plus my bedroom. Husband sleeps in the joint bedroom as he needs the en-suite several times a night. We were keeping each other awake and when we decided that I would have my own bedroom, I went out and bought a lovely comfortable double bed (vi spring). It is bliss but I do pop in in the morning to have coffee in bed with him. We only share on holiday when we have a huge bed.

I can understand why this is hard to untangle. Unfortunately the ‘solution’ to your problem will feel (in part because it is) a withdrawal from the relationship. I would suggest being honest with him about why you feel like you need your own space. It may still be difficult but it might also be a good opportunity to discuss some deeper relationship issues, which might hopefully improve things too.

Omg I love our vispring mattress 🙌

after my boyfriend sharted on my leg in bed one night, i feel the same way

I'm old and married straight from my parents' house. That means I have never had my own room as I shared a with my sister and then with my husband for 40+ years!

😭😭😭😭😭

Men are such needy creatures aren't they? I generally sleep ok sharing a bed, but when Im going through a spell of restless legs the stress of keeping still so as not to disturb him is very unpleasant - so if it goes on too long I do creep out to dds old room. I fear if I had my own room I would read till too late at night....

More often though it's dh who leaves, either because of my snoring or just because he can't sleep and wants to read.

What I really crave though is my own (absolutely entirely my own) bathroom, so I can do any bathroom related task without having to wait for anyone else to finish/for the air to clear....

The day my DSD went to uni happened to coincide with us doing up her room in so I moved beds the night it was done and apart from holidays have slept in my on room since. In this house, he has moved to the granny flat downstairs to watch sport in peace and sleep. Fucking marvellous.

Thank you. We have discussed them in the past, but it just causes sadness. He can’t be what I need, and I only need it because of what life has thrown at us. He can’t change who is is, and I can’t change what I need. I’m hoping if I regain some space, I might find it within me to ‘come back’ to him in some way. I’m hoping I’ll feel less drained/depleted.

Thanks for all the comments - including the sharting partner, which gave me a laugh. I’m glad it’s not just me who wants a bit of space. I am going to do it and see how it it goes!

Where did we ever get the idea that we need to sleep with another human ? I know African hunting dogs love to sleep together but really with humans , I don't get it .
I know people like affection/ sex etc . but after that one needs one's own space .
Separate beds for everyone in my opinion . Sleeping is private .
No matter how much you love someone you don't need to spend overnight with them . Who needs someone breathing/ snoring on you ???

Not the shartner! 💀

I’ve been sleeping in the spare room during the hot weather because I like to leave the fan on overnight and my husband can’t sleep with it running.
It’s bliss.

It was for my parents too. They just started having more and more separate lives. Until my mum met someone else. She said she felt married but not married. She left. It didn’t actually work out with the new guy. Her and my dad remained good friends although divorced.

But even though I occasionally like to retreat to the spare room if I can’t sleep, I love sleep next to my husband. He’s very well trained though, turns over in his sleep when asked if he’s snoring!

I can honestly say that since my H left in April having the bedroom to myself is absolutely bliss! I can go to bed when I want, read as late as I want, set the alarm for whatever time, no grumpy sighing and miserable face to endure. Don't think I'll ever share my bedroom again (well I do share but it's with my dog who i would choose over any man!)

I read that people started sharing beds due to lack of space - ie most people couldn’t afford houses where everyone had their own bedroom. Even when kids were born they’d sleep with the parents due to lack of space. If you remember in Charlie and the chocolate factory, all 4 grandparents shared a bed 🤣. Only aristocrats and royalty could and they do sleep in separate bedrooms. Dont know how true that is.

I am flabbergasted by the fact that everyone craves so much personal space while living in a family home! And I realise I am seriously in the minority on this thread. For those of you who had multiple children, how did you cope with the little ones being WITH you and ON you all the time when they were little? Or is it mainly the DHs who invade the personal space and peace?

When DH was alive I would go sleep in the spare room if I wasn’t asleep within what I perceived to be half an hour (we didn’t have bedside clocks). DH was always asleep before me and sometimes snored and I would often disappear then. Could you do something similar to lesson the blow of leaving the marital bed.

Good luck… he might not be able to change but I hope he can accept this solution gracefully for what it is (and attempt to improve things, not make them worse).

Absolutely no issue with kids being on me when they were little. DH is different. Our marriage hasn't been easy but I have no interest in leaving. I suppose now that I am in my 40s and have less patience i just don't want to do some thing (like sharing a bed) just because its what would be perceived as normal. I dont actually think it is what most people would choose and threads like this kinda prove it.
I don't have any objection to sex with DH, I just dont want to listen to him snore afterwards.

We have our own rooms. We share when we feel like it (in his bed or in mine), but mostly sleep apart. It's lovely.

It used to be we shared but dh ended up sleeping in another room whenever it was too hot, because he wanted everything open and I didn't. Then he would go to another room if I wanted to go to bed before him so he wouldn't disturb me. Eventually I just decorated the room next to mine as his bedroom so he would have somewhere to go that was nice, and that wasn't the spare room. Now he loves it and uses it practically all the time.

In fairness it is the nicest room in the house, though I say so myself. I've been known to use it when he's away and it's really hot, as it has a lovely breeze running through it.

Haha , I was thinking the same about small kids! I guess it’s different when you get past that stage though. Also, tiny dependant small people made from your dna are probably different to middle / old aged sharting men 😂

And another thing. When his snoring first got noticeably worse I tried to stay put. Tried to get him to stop hy rolling over. He would just be pissy the next day because I dared disturb him. He knows the snoring is the issue. He refuses to see anyone about or lose weight to try to ease it. So I will no longer pander to his ego by sacrificing my sleep. So own room it is. The older we get the less I care if it kills our marriage which i know sounds bad but I would rather be able to sleep

We have our own rooms and own bathrooms - bliss