To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Well he earns £50k and doesn’t appear to have any assests, so he doesn’t have any gold to dig.

You haven’t bought them a flat as it isn’t in their name, I also wouldn’t live in such an odd set up.

But they're married? Why don't you want their flat to be marital property?

Is it a 'gift' with strings?

Your DIL isn't on the housing ladder and has no assets. The flat isn't hers. She is right to be thinking about changes that would benefit her long-term position. Not a golddigger, a sensible woman.

Typos

@Simonjtbut they’re welcome to buy their own property also, like they would have to if I didn’t provide the flat. They don’t pay any rent or mortgage so perfect opportunity to save up

Presumably they have a pre nup in place?

I would be very wary of having his children if I were her.

Yes she sounds a small nugget digger but it all sounds weird as well

I suppose it does sound like you hold the power, and it’s a gift with strings.
you gifted them a flat (obviously amazingly generous) however it isn’t actually theres etc.
It does sound a bit like a gilded cage.

@Rhaidimiddim so she is welcome to save up for a deposit (together with my son or separately)? Surely having no mortgage or rent payment only helps with that

To some extent, I can see her perspective. If your DS was to have an affair, for example, he would walk away with exactly the same lifestyle he currently has, while she has no assets and would struggle to house herself. It leaves her vulnerable, compared to a family who have built up assets together. The solution to that, however, is that they buy a property together to rent out and both make payments towards its mortgage.

Is she complaining about money to you, or is your son passing on what she’s saying? If it’s your son, is he suggesting what he would like to happen, but “blaming” it on his wife?

I wouldn’t live in that set up but then I have the salary to not have to.

she can see what her salary plus his 50k plus the savings (given she’s never paid rent) will buy them in central London.

Maybe you should suggest they buy somewhere as a rental / investment property? She'd have the security she's looking for while still having the luxury of living without a mortgage/rental cost because the mortgage on the rental property will be covered by the rental income.

And her giving up work is a very bad move. She will be screwed if they divorce. But I'm assuming it won't be you telling her that. Maybe her husband should talk to her about it.

She's not wrong to want to have assets.
But if her plan to obtain those assets is by having her husband's family give them to her rather than to consider earning them herself then that smells of gold digging.

If getting on the housing ladder is so important to her then she could use the money she's saving by not having to pay for her own housing to buy a flat to rent out.

I wouldn't say she sounds like a gold digger but it does sound like she is thinking of their future. 50kbis hardly a great salary especially if your on London (although no housing costs will make it go further). If she wants to be a SAHM when they have children then she probably thinking how will they manage that, what of they want to move into a house etc.

It’s not theirs. It’s in your name.

You didn’t buy them anything if the flat is in your name. How can you call it a wedding gift if you didn’t actually gift it to them?

Plans to ensure your fortune is kept in the bloodline in the event of divorce are fair, but your DIL deserves some financial security too. She deserves to own her share of the home she lives in.

His wages dont sound great for London. If you can I would be upping them so they can afford to save for a deposit She is very lucky to be living rent free but if I were her I would refuse the pre nup and would be looking to buy my own place so I had my own assets.

I would be exceptionally cautious if I were her. As a couple they have no assets and he does not have a good salary. They are not able to build anything together at the moment.

I couldn't give a shit for other people's money.

But I'd feel very uncomfortable in her position. Having your finances so enmeshed in your husband's wider family and being reliant on them for everything sounds horrendous.

The whole prenup thing is a bit tasteless too. All being well she'll be the mother of his children and yet is not treated as family.

I think you're rather wrong here.

Not necessarily a gold digger, but she is very vulnerable so I'm unsurprised she is questioning it all.

You didn’t buy them a flat: they live rent free in a flat you own. In that respect your dil is completely correct it’s not really theirs.

Your son needs to stand in his own two feet. Its not their house its yours. If I were DIl I'd want us both to be earning and live our lives free from you. That nay well nean moving away from London though.
Out of interest, what exactly does your son do in the business because £50 000 for a 28 year old seems a bit low for London.

She’s in a very precarious financial position (which would only become more so if she became a SAHM). If she’s aware of the arrangements that have been put in place to ensure that the business and other assets remain within the “bloodline” (are you livestock?!) then she is right to be very worried. I doubt she got married with divorce in mind but if it does happen - and we can never predict the future - she will be in a very bad place unless the prenuptial agreement can be set aside.

I think you need to see it for what it is, you are allowing them to live rent free in your flat, you didn’t buy them anything !

A salary of 50k in London is not amazing either.

This sounds a bit weird. He’s employed by your business but only earns £50k yet is in central London? You’ve bought him (yourself) the flat but he has what is really quite a low salary for living where he does, so he has very little presumably in terms of assets. Why does he earn so little?

Surely instead of buying the flat you could have increased his salary so they could buy somewhere together eventually.