To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

God it sounds awful - there's no way I'd be with someone who lived that attached to his parents (and who appears to have no ambition at all). And yes £50k isn't a good salary.

You sound really controlling OP.

Is this an icod special? Sad but possible.

Why does your son only earn £50k if you can pay him more ?

The son and DIL could always stash away the money they save on housing and - hey, presto! - marital assets and therefore gold to dig.

She does seem somewhat unambitious.

I take it she’s working? If so she’s in a good position to build up her own assets, there’s not many people living in London for free and I’d imagine it’s difficult to get on the property ladder in a decent area so they are fortunate to have the chance to make their own future secure and not have to worry about rent or a huge mortgage. It might look controlling to some but if I was in your position I’d want to protect any family money and assets. If she doesn’t like it then they are always free to make their own way in the world and get a mortgage like everyone else.

I agree with this.

Why can't she buy her own place as an investment as she doesn't have to pay rent or a mortgage where they are living!?

I understand her need for financial security but it's within her own power to get it!

It must feel very infantilising for them both but at least he has the prospect it will pay off one day IF the business continues to do well. She could end up financially trapped if their relationship turns sour as she has no equity to move on.
I’d have a massive ick feelings towards him too.

How can she be a gold digger when he has nothing apart from a mediocre (for London and v. wealthy family business) wage and mommy pulls all the strings?

She didn't marry you.

£50K is not a great wage at all in London. If you can afford to pay him more, which it sounds like you can, then I would! And transfer the flat to their names.

This.

Why do you keep your son’s wages low when the business could afford to pay more? Is it a low skilled job? £50k in London is not much. Are you paying a reasonable wage for the job?
Then you say she wants to be a SAHM for a while when any DC are young. That’s not being a gold digger, that’s normal, or was until this last decade.
As for “ gifting them “ a flat, that’s just not true, is it? You own it so it’s not a gift. You let them live in a fiat you own, that’s not the same thing at all.
Of course they could save for a deposit, maybe they are doing just that, but if DiL is a gold digger she’s not doing very well at it! She’s picked a low income man with no assets! A man who is controlled by his mother.
As for shares in the business, that would be fair if he’s helping to build it and grow it. Why hasn’t he been given shares? Maybe she’s trying to protect him, making sure he’s recompensed for his efforts.

Is he actually paid the going rate for his job?

Id hate it tbh. My whole life being able to be changed at the whim of my mil. She could take my home and my husband’s job just because she wanted to.

She can’t be a gold digger if he has no gold either and it doesn’t sound like he owns anything everything that is yours is tied up.

She also by the sounds of it signed a prenup strange for a man with no assets and no shares but there you go and thus assumably removes the company form her grabs as well once he inherits. The least good diggery thing to do tbh.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be a sahm either.

In this situation though and ok sure grabby I guess I’d rather my mil gifted us a deposit rather than a rent free flat and I’d be talking to my husband about getting a different job if he wasn’t paid at minimum market rate and even then I’d rather he not work for him mum with zero shares due to risk factor.

Hold on. He works for the business, has no shares, is given a nominal salary but could be paid more but you are choosing not to?

This sounds SO dysfunctional.

What is the succession plan?

No wonder she is asking questions. I don't think it makes her a gold digger I think it makes her perfectly sensible!

This all of this, i don't know why the house isn't theirs they are technically your tenants.

It wouldn’t be her own though would it as she’s married, so in the event of the divorce she loses half of everything, where as he is kept by mummy.

He is already paying no rent and no mortgage, he is in a fine position to be saving for his own deposit on 50k.

You didn't give them a flat as a wedding present , you let them live in a flat you own. You are also paying him a relatively low salary, despite saying you could pay him more. I would not want to be involved with you, you sound very controlling.

Well she did buy it specifically for them to live in rent free in Central London, and they helped pick it. That is a pretty big gift. If she hadn't they would be renting something probably much less appealing for a high rent. Of course DIL may have thought it would be an outright gift. And I do agree somewhat that the son should possibly have a share in the business, assuming he does actually work hard for his salary, of course he may not be expected to do much if anything.

His salary isn’t a huge amount for something London-based and they’re getting no equity appreciation from living in a flat they don’t own, so every year that passes makes it more difficult for them to buy something
When you die they’ll need to find 40% of the value of that flat to pay the inheritance tax on it. It’s essentially a grace & favour home from which you can decide to turf them out at any moment.
They could buy a more suitable family home with their own money and rent out the flat, but the income would be taxable and what’s left treated as a gift from you, so again when you die they’ll have to pay IHT on the rental income going back 7 years (with some tapering).
Why didn’t you just give them the flat?

But no one is stopping them, they can leave the flat and build together, both can try to get better jobs and earn more. They could leave the flat tomorrow, they have free rent and can save.

if they don’t like the situation they can change it, it’s not for mil to provide more.

When I was 18 I had a boyfriend, we’d both left college and were starting out in creative professions but as juniors/assistants. Happy days. Two years later his mum remarries (the boss) and almost immediately buys him a flat, a 2nd hand BMW (he had an ok Fiesta) and he starts working at boss’s company. Didn’t take me long to go off him even though some thought I was crazy 🤣
I do feel for your DIL as she’s trapped in a fake life where she’ll always be the poor relation.

Great example of how to control your AC with money. You chose their house, you actually own their house, you decide how much your son earns and therefore his lifestyle. Your daughter in law has a lot to put up with. She's completely vulnerable and she knows it.

I think Yanbu AT ALL but I can on one level see why it's annoying her ....
You should assume good intent.

I'd increase his salary to 100k and when doing this also having a clear chat with him about the fact this is to reflect he is a family man now and your asset structure is a totally standard set up and the fact she is complaining and hinting around this speaks to her <find a polite word for stupidity> (dont imply greed assume good intent) and that its for him to help her understand how this operates.

You also need to prob spend more time grooming / training your son so he understands fundamentals of business and asset management

Background : my bro married into a SUPER wealthy family... nothing was in ANYONES name despite residences and "compounds" in London NYC Cairo, Oman, Sudan, UAE etc.....
In-laws LOVED my DB so nothing personal its just how it's done.

A lot of people on here saying you are controlling dont have a met worth of 5/10/20m and arent giving their dils access to £20 of their wealth let alone millions ...

You sound very controlling OP and I hoped your DS is strong enough to cut the strings with you. What exactly is your DS’s position in the business - could he earn more elsewhere ? Are you dangling the carrot of a large inheritance down the road to entice him to toe the line now ?

Your DIL has made a mistake marrying your DS and living in a home she has no ownership or security in. Why didn’t you gift them funds to buy the property in both their names ?

You seem to be the problem here, claiming she is a gold digger for her wanting security for the future. Have a word with yourself.