To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

You're paying your son a pittance if you can afford more.

I would never, ever, have moved into a flat you owned. Talk about control over their life.

By all means protect your assests. But allow your son and DIL to build there own. Starting by paying him a London wage.

I actually thought this was a reverse.
The biggest red flag is the son isn't paid fairly for what he does it sounds like?
You made a mistake "giving" them a flat but keeping it yourself.
Take back the flat, but pay your son the wage he deserves. Then they can make their own financial decisions.

You say you bought a flat 'for them' yet it remains in your name. You also reference that they live there "rent free" indicating that you really see the flat as yours and you graciously let them live there.

Why pay your son a fairly meagre salary (for central London)? It would appear to me that you wish to keep them 'in their place' and retain control over them financially. I can understand your DIL's feelings. Try and have some empathy.

Yep, and I wonder if both of the couple have a legal right to occupy the flat for life.

I can see her point. There are 2 differences of opinion here depending on whether you are you or your DIL. On the surface, you are doing something very generous in that you are enabling them to live somewhere (presumably lovely) rent free which frees up lots of spare money which obviously is a luxury that very few receive in life. So on that front - YANBU.

However you said that you ‘gifted them a flat’, which is not true. You are letting them live in your flat rent free and there is a big difference in these 2 scenarios.

Yes, she could (and should be IMO) saving up money for them to buy their own property, however where is the motivation for your son to do this?

He gets to hang on to much more than she does in terms of a divorce should it happen or inheritance so he’ll be alright anyway so I can see his lack of motivation.

What I wouldn’t be doing if I was her is talking about more help in the house (surely a cleaner a week should be fine if they have no DC yet?) or giving up work. That does smack a little of financial expectation.

As you say, no one is necessarily doing anything wrong but it might be helpful to you to look at things from her point of view as well rather than just your own Ie ‘I gifted them a flat’.

I wonder if she sees you (despite you doing and saying all of the right things to have a good relationship with her on the surface) as too involved in her son’s life. He works for you, you instigated the pre nup, you still own their home - there might be some undertones of resentment as to the level of control you currently have in your son’s life.

The rent free flat is of course generous, but I wouldn't want our housing and I presume at least 50% of our income to be from "the same basket of eggs", especially so if I wanted to have a family soon. I would be looking at how things were too. I wouldn't be demanding more from you, but I'd be looking for more security.
If he owns nothing what does the pre-nup cover? Are they even legal?

Is her salary better than £50k, if not they’re going to struggle to pay nursery fees if she has to go back to work. In Central London with wraparound it’s £2500 a month.

Thats a really large portion of their income. Sure they’ve got no rent but how are they going to have 2 children?

It wasn't a gift the op is allowing them to live rent free in a property she bought. It is a great start in married life, what they do next is up to them, they can live there forever if they want or buy their own place when they can afford like everyone else. Perhaps the op could up his salary a bit to allow the lifestyle his wife fancies and would allow her to be a comfortable SAHM in the future. They both seem unambitious and happy to live off mum really. I can understand DIL being concerned she could be left with nothing if they divorce, but she could get a job and save her own money. I don't know what role the son has in the business if he is contributing significantly it might be nice to give him some shares or a director role, if he isn't one already.

If I was the DIL I would run for the hills. She has no financial security and it all seems very controlled by you. Your son is on a rubbish wage for central London as well. You say you bought them the flat as a gift, well gift it properly and put it in their name. Just seems a bizarre set up to me.

Am glad shes thinking about how precarious her position is. Shes also probably spooked by the term "keep in the bloodline" being used outside of medieval times 🚨

What gold? You have everything tied up so tightly there is no place for her to dig.

I disagree with the general consensus here. I think you've been very generous, and do not really see how you are controlling your son. Trust me, I've come across several cases which are far, far worse.

They do appear free to explore any alternative at their convenience.

You are not being unreasonable! They have no worries about a home, no worries about income. They are in a far better position than many people.

They are free to make their own decisions, to buy (or rent) elsewhere. He is not forced to work for you and could find his own way. They are not tied into a contract with you. If she feels uncomfortable living in free accommodation, just because it happens to belong to the 'family firm', that is for her to deal with, and to make other plans with her husband to buy their own place, if it is so unacceptable.

She appears to be increasingly grasping, but I would just grey rock it all. Leave them to it to make their own decisions and carry on business as normal.

You bought yourself a flat and you are currently letting them live in it.
Crazy to say you bought a flat for them when it's in your name.

I completely agree with all of this. The DiL is not a gold digger, she is looking around and realising that her future is in the hands of a woman who plainly doesn’t like her.

You sound like a controlling nightmare, OP, and if it was my daughter, I’d suggest she make sure her contraception is infallible and get away from you and your son ASAP as she is so financially vulnerable.

But actually your son is vulnerable to your whims and control too both re: his (pretty low paying for central London) job and living situation, which makes her position even worse. No wonder she is asking questions and expressing concern.

On the one hand you've been very generous and give them a lifestyle they couldn't afford.

On the other, it's all a bit gilded cage like, and I could see your son struggling to meet anyone as an equal in life. Their life sounds very provisional, if this DIL leaves I can imagine the situation repeating itself if I'm honest.

It sounds a bit like she doesn't know what her role is- has she married into family money and can sit back, or do they both need to hustle.

You didn't gift them a home, you gifted them free rent. Very generous but not the same.

if I were the girl this would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't want to live in a home my MIL could take away at any minute and wouldn't consider it ours. I wouldn't like that the whole set up was to protect DP in the event of a divorce. I wouldn't feel welcome to family.

I also wouldn't be happy signing a prenup. I would want to be seen as a partnership. I would want to share all my wealth with my DP (I am the wealthier half in my marriage) and would feel upset if he didn't feel the same way.

My parents gifted my DH and I the equivalent of a 1 bed home in cash. it was for us. it would feel weird and disjointed if it were for me and protected by a prenup.

£50k is not alot in London if you're 30 years old. I don't know how old your son is. But he would be an employee in my opinion. if you refer to it as the family business and him being a co owner I would question the shares.

If I were this girl I wouldn't see there as any gold to dig.

In addition to this, if she did buy a flat herself because her husband didn’t feel it necessary, her flat would be a marital asset meaning the husband could end up with half of it in addition to the sole use of his mum’s flat.

What is your business? What does your son do? Are you paying him an appropriate salary for his role, is he on a pathway to a leadership position, is the plan for him to have shares in the future? Realistically, is he working for you because he struggled to gain decent employment elsewhere? Does he have siblings, and do they also work for your business, what do they do and do they have shares?

This is what I'd want to know before I commented on the power balance in this situation. The flat is a red herring - if they knew the set up before you bought the flat and were happy to go along with it, and are capable of saving for their own property, then that's what they should be doing. But his role in the business interests me way more.

If I were you, I'd be giving some serious thought to your sons overall wellbeing. Because this sort of situation could cost him his marriage.
Most people would feel more security in a marriage where they had a home and their partner had a job that didn't rely on the whim of their mother. These sort of arrangements can collapse very quickly if the couple step out of line and upset the person who holds the purse strings. Your Dil is getting twitchy about this, and rightly so.
If this was my son and I cared about his life, then I'd be encouraging independence. I'd start by reflecting on the salary I was paying. Is he worth more? If so, stop exploiting him. If he's not worth it and you're finding him busy work as a way to fund him, then you need to be encouraging him into a job that fits his skill set so he can make a proper living.
You should either gift them the flat properly, or set a time frame for them to house themselves. Because you have them in limbo at the moment and you're preventing them progressing their lives.

So she is making no progress in terms of owning a property. You have her stuck in this seemingly perfect situation but it's far from that. If she was my child I would have told her to run for the hills. She is a tenant in her own marriage. If anything happens say 15 years down the line she will have nothing to show for this marriage because you control it all.
I understand the need to ensure assets are protected but this gives her nothing of her own or any opportunity to have something of her own.
If she had children and takes a career break then financially she will diminish even further. I'm astonished she agreed to this.

This!!

YABU, she has nothing to her name, and her husband's salary is capped to £50k (that is not a high salary for a central London location). What happens when you and your son fall out? They lose their home, he loses his job, 0 assets to their name. Expecting them to save a significant amount (its not just a mortgage, they need to save for this eventuality so they have savings to keep them going if the worst happened), quickly, before they have kids, with a £50k salary is also a little crazy IMO.

My mother did this for us. It felt horrible. I know you meant well, but you have robbed them of their natural journey as a married couple, the pride that comes with making your own way in life, earning, saving, paying down a mortgage, feeling like a grown up, looking after each other financially. You’ve unintentionally robbed them of those experiences. Your daughter-in-law would be very very foolish to have children with your son, especially with that pre-nup! No way would I be even talking about children if I were her.

Did DIL get independent legal and financial advice ahead of marriage? I expect not because otherwise who would agree to that?