To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

You seem to want to control everything. I am all for protecting 'family' money but you need to also give your son the legs to build a future security for himself.

What happens if he falls out with you at some point? He and his wife are screwed.

You dont seem nasty with it so i would think there is a compromise here. You need to look at it from the DIL POV. She needs some security. Life isnt just about the here and now and being married to a man who has zero control over his future because of mummy is not acceptable.

As others have mentioned £50k isnt enough for London living, even without a mortgage. Its not enough to build on. Sell the flat to your son and start again with them. Give him an appropriate wage to be able to afford a mortgage on it so he can build for his families future. If your business is so strong etc etc then pay your son appropriately and give him stock options so he builds a future for himself. At the end of the day, he has married this woman and she should be looked on as family. If she has his children then you are risking your future as a grandparent too.

You can do both protecting your families money and allowing your son to become a man.

My ex bought our daughter a flat - outright so no mortgage - and it’s in her name. That’s what gifting someone a property means.

Exactly.

Council tax in my London Borough is around 1400 per month. Add onto that utilities and living expenses you quite quickly eat into a 50k salary leaving not much for savings. Of course they could live a frugal lifestyle and save up but they are also in their 20s and presumably also want to go on holidays and to the cinema and restaurants and have a nice life.
All this to say that living rent free is lovely but not quite the gift you are making out as. If their hopes and dreams are having a family and her being a sahm then his salary will be very modest indeed.
I guess she's trying to think about long term options and you are trying to protect family money. I'd say both of you are being equally money focused

YANBU, OP.
Lots of ppl projecting and going OTT, 50k is a decent salary, especially at 28, not massive for London but, without the expense of a rent, he probably has the same income as someone on 70/80k, which is correct.
If she is working too, their combined earnings and the free rent must make place their earnings at more than 100k/year. They are not scraping by or begging in Leicester Square.

If she doesn't like living in your flat, which is understandable, sell it to them at a slightly more favourable price than market and disengage totally from their finances.
But don't increase your son's salary until he has earned it.
If your DIL only path to financial independence is accessing your family's wealth rather than build savings or a career, yeah, she is a golddigger.
She should be over the moon to be able to live in Central London rent-free, and be able to save for her own financial security.

I’m having a hard time believing this to be true. Nobody says à wedding gift is .. you choose it, I’ll buy it and keep it.

You don’t pay him much.

what are you up to, Exactly? You think he’s too young to own The flat and have a decent salary? You going to put the Flat in his name when he’s 35 or something?

is it his age you are bothered about? Why did you put the Flat in your name?

I don't think you've done anything wrong with the flat, but agree with PPs that you could have phrased it better.

I think telling them you would buy it for them set up false expectations that it would be theirs, where as it is your flat, your investment. Still an amazing deal though.

I'm not with you on the pre-nup though. At the moment he has very little. A decent job, but not much in London terms. No house. So anything they build through working, saving, etc will be theirs to share equally.

I would imagine that by the time he inherits the business they will be married with older kids and she will may have equally contributed by taking the lions share of the kids and home whilst he grows the family business. So a big part of whether your legacy lives on at his hands or fails could be down to her support. So, by that stage in their lives I would expect everything to be shared equally.

42% of marriages end in divorce. There are no grandchildren involved. You are not being unreasonable in protecting the family's assets, for now, for those who share your genes.

She is free to encourage him to move on from a situation she does not like, but not to try and influence gaining financially from the in-law-family pot. Just walk away and make your own financially-independant life.

All very royal family isn’t it. Gifted a home. No no loaned a home not gifted or given.

Op could even gift them a certain percentage of the home every year of marriage or some shit just to give some stability.

But nope she wants to hold all the strings and card.

If there is 'significant wealth' in your family, then any woman your son is with is going to be accused of being a gold-digger isn't she? 🙄

As his mum though, particularly as you're very financially savvy, it is your place to guide him in life. I know he's an adult, but from the sounds of it, not fully formed/developed yet. It wouldn't be out of place offering a bit of help (NOT financial) such as meeting with a financial advisor etc.

We don't have prenups in the UK, do we?

I can see her point of view. It’s a gift but isn’t really a gift because they don’t own it. It just sounds all a bit controlling to me. I’m far from a gold digger but I wouldn’t be happy with this either

Does your son get paid a fair salary for the work he does, is it market rate? Is there a reason you didn’t put the flat in their names, if as you say it was a gift?

We can they don’t tend to hold much weight though. But nothing to lose when the man has nothing anyway.

If at all it’s deemed unfair come a possible divorce in the bin it goes anyway.

People are so bloody sour on here.

Do any of you actually believe the crap you write out? All this stuff about the house not being a gift and 50k is a low salary for someone with 0 housing costs. It's bloody ridiculous.

Your DIL sounds ungrateful and desperate for an even bigger piece of your pie than what you've already given.

My son is paid fairly for what he does, he also earns more than she does (the only reason I know this is because it was disclosed in pre nup discussions). He is free to get a job outside of the family business.

the area where the flat is located was chosen by them because they like it. It’s probably closer to her work but she doesn’t think she’ll stay at her company long term so it wasn’t a factor for her.

what I struggle do understand is that she’s in a better position than renting - effectively the gift is years of rent paid upfront for them so they can save for whatever they wish.

the comments I know about because she’s said it a couple of times in front of me and she’s complained about not being able to afford to be a SAHM to me subtly but to her SIL / my daughter quite strongly on her hen do drunk.

I think this is extremely weird and she’s right to point it out.
£50k is not an amazing salary in London. What’s a going rate for his job and skill level? You should pay him market rate I think.
the fact that you are letting them stay on your flat is a separate issue. As a wealthy person don’t you want to make sure your son and his wife are comfortable.
By holding onto the purse strings so tightly you are preventing them from learning how to navigate the larger pot. I’m not sure it’s wise personally… it’s a bit patronising to say the least. Do you not trust him?

OP is his salary market rate for what he does?

What is his role? £50k would be fairly junior in most organisations in London.

Is the plan that he will ultimately be running the company? If so - of course he won’t leave. That makes no sense.

Also, why are you against stock options?

She's just asking for some security for their family unit. If your son stops working for you will you charge him market rent on your flat? If you have a huge fall out, do they lose everything? He should have shares shouldn't he? And yes, he's married, so she should share in those assets as his wife.
If I was her I would be asking the same questions. She hasn't married an independent man and is reliant on your goodwill for a home and an income. She should have asked before really!
And you haven't bought them a flat, it's yours! I thought you'd given it to them as a wedding present or something from how you wrote your post.

And would he be happy to lose half of it should she get married and then divorce?

Why cant she get a better paying job?

But if they get divorced he stays in your flat and she has to leave.

Stop saying you bought them a flat as a gift because you didn't, you invested in a property and they are your house sitters, which is nice if it's temporary whilst they're saving for a deposit but surely they'd have far preferred it if you'd actually (properly) gifted them some money towards a deposit, and not bothered with the flat? She's right, it isn't her home at all.

I wouldn't have agreed to this weird setup if I were her.

Council tax of £1400 per month?

So they need to save for and take a mortgage out for their own property if DIL isn’t happy with the current set up!!