To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Your son is fortunate to have a wife who is questioning your rule. Because you have him far too dependent and controlled than is healthy for an adult man.
Your DiL can't be a gold digger, because you are grasping the gold so tightly your son has none. What she is doing is threatening the iron control you have over your son and you don't like it.

I dont' blame her for being uncomfortable - it's not really a gift if it comes with ginormous strings - but if I was her, I'd be insisting that me and my DH save to buy and invest elsewhere, in our own names so that we have that as a marital asset.

I'm a bit confused about the £50k salary. One assumes this is a very successful business if you have all this wealth. why is your DS' salary so low? is he working his way up in the family business so still relatively junior? Because otherwise, it feels like quite a stingy salary based o what you've said. Could he earn more elsewhere? Because a lower salary in a family business usually comes wit a share of the profits. Which is clearly not the case here.

it also seems very controlling.

He doesn't have any money so good luck gold digging!! Everything he has is owned or controlled by his parents, including his job!

So yeah you can't call her a gold digger. He lives in his mum's house and works for his parents on a modest salary. He's hardly Elon Musk.

Yes she is a gold digger. You have set them up to build their own wealth by taking care of their immediate housing needs, but she is not interested in that and wants what you and your late husband built right now. How much does she actually earn btw?

I wonder if his low salary is to slowly claw back the cost of the flat.

I wouldn't be happy being kept as a pet, either.

Is £50k a good salary for the work he does or would he earn more working elsewhere? Is he stuck working there on the promise that eventually the business will be his whilst not actually earning now what he could be elsewhere? I'd hate to be involved in such a family set up. It all seems a bit like they have little control over their lives. Living in a house they are told is theirs but isn't really. Working in a family business that perhaps he would rather not be. And she has blatantly been told none of this will ever be yours, no matter whether you have kids, bring them up whilst your husband continues the successful family business. Were you properly involved in the setting up and running of the business? If not, why wasn't any of it ring fenced from never getting into your gold digging clutches. I guess this is how rich people live but it's so outside my comfort zone I wouldn't want to be part of it.

Hmm ...it's a difficult one. I haven't voted. You appear generous ...who wouldn't live a rent free flat in London...but you've kept all of the control haven't you. 🤔
I understand some level of caution at first ...but your son is 28 and is a married man. He has no shares in the business you and his father built up so works for a wage ...albeit a reasonable one.

You could pay him more but you won't...why? This way you keep all of the control. He can't get a mortgage for the type of flat you have given them ...but haven't given them 🤔
In his shoes ...or hide wife's ...I would feel trapped.
It would have been better to have raised his wage and given them a generous deposit as a wedding present and help them to buy something together more in keeping with their income.

I would not sign up to your DIL’s life. I would hate to live in someone else’s house, not least my in laws (who I love dearly). I’d feel like my life was controlled and I didn’t even have control of my own life.

What does DIL do/earn? I think I’d also be side eying DH’s family controlling his earning potential too, and as a result my household income (ie the business could pay him more but doesn’t - does he get a market rate with the same ability to earn more as he would in a non family business job?).

Can you blame her questions?

So when they get divorced...your son, probably encouraged by you, will take half the assets. Oh, children? Yep, you will have funds to fight to help your son get 50/50, barely if any CMS to pay because you've given him a limited salary. Bought them a flat? No you bought a flat, they live in it.

Well done OP.

That’s exactly the idea that we all agreed on when buying the flat - they live rent free and how they choose to spend their savings is entirely their business, I wouldn’t even ask unless they told me. They could blow it all on luxurious holidays, save it up for a deposit, invest in stocks, make her a SAHM, make him a SAHD or gift it all to charity. Their money to play with, make mistakes or wise decisions.

Why don't you give them some money as a deposit for a rental place? Then they can start building up marital assets together which is a natural aspiration.

Also £50k for London is not a great salary regardless of the housing situation. Up that to £100k and then they've got money to start building their life together.

If you do those two things, it will eventually settle down and they will feel more secure.

You have the money. Be generous in a real and meaningful way rather than keeping him tied to your apron strings.

She’s not a gold digger because your son has no gold to dig.

i agree with the others she’s in a very vulnerable position and I wouldn’t be happy with it.

Your dil in my opinion is in many ways a privileged position not having to pay rent and therefore being able to save money. She can choose to take it or leave it.

Would you never have any of those thoughts in her position? Did you never want to be a sahm? Plus when you marry you’re supposed to be a team, making exciting (not really but they seem so because you do them together!) decisions. You’ve handed them a roadmap for life

Pets aren't able to earn their own income. She is. Yet, instead, her priority seems to be demanding more money/assets from her in-laws.

Your daughter in law sounds perfectly reasonable, it’s an odd set up.

@MayaPyjama he is entirely free to get a job elsewhere, I’ve never made him work for the business and he only works there because he expressed an interest

Surely you live to your means?

Of their means mean they can’t afford a property and mortgage of their own or for her to become a SAHM they need to change their lifestyle?

The business isn’t her DHs - he works for them. It just happens he is family and one day will inherit part of it.

It’s like saying because I work for Tesco and have a council house the council should out the house in my name and Tesco should give me a share in the business so I can have a better life.

She’s right to want to protect her own future. But no one has prevented her doing that.

Her and her DH have 50k annually plus her wage and no housing costs to get on with doing that.

Her solution to having no assets is lazy: the family should provide assets in their name.

Given their current situation, i.e. no rent or mortgage to pay, the couple should be able to save a deposit and buy a property to rent out.

You have done a nice thing for them, however there is a level of entitlement that is being displayed in this situation. No good deed goes unpunished.

Your DIL is extremely ungrateful and expecting help when she and your son could help themselves IMO.

Yes they are living rent free, but in your flat so that's not a gift, you said it was a gift as a wedding present

As others have pointed out, £50k for central London is not a great salary. Not only that, he doesn’t have shares in the business. You haven’t told us what sector you’re in OP, but my observation would be that if he's not earning well and nor does he have shares, then why exactly is he working for the family business? For some future promise “that it’ll all be yours”? What if it goes bust in the meantime? Or those shares never materialise? I’d be really really wary if I were him.

I won’t even go into the “wedding gift” that is very clearly NOT a gift at all. Yes they get to live rent free, but you’re now not just his boss but his landlord.

I actually think your DIL law has her head screwed on to be looking to the future.

It's not her husband's gold she's trying to get her hands on. It's her in-laws'.

If I was your son I’d be looking for my own job immediately - this is such a strange setup. I also wouldn’t have married him to begin with. If anything happens to him or their marriage, she has nothing. I wouldn’t bring children into this.