To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

No idea why theres a pre-nup signed as sounds like he doesn't actually have any personal assets.

YANBU. Dil is welcome to use her income to buy herself a property if she so wishes.

This sounds like a really controlling situation. You haven't bought them a flat. You bought yourself a flat and are letting them live in it. You say he works for his father's wealthy company yet you pay him a pretty low wage for London and he doesn't have any shares. They are not in a good financial situation. I am not surprised your DIL is asking questions. They would be much better off him using his experience to go get a better-paid job elsewhere and them getting on the housing ladder as a couple. At the moment, if they stay together and have kids and split up after 10 years, she would be left with absolutely nothing, which seems to be something you would find perfectly acceptable.

A lot of women do take wealth into account or at least future potential.

I would find it a bit weird that the son is kept as opposed to being independent particularly as they are married. I don’t understand the whole protecting inheritance from a spouse.

Exactly!

I think it’s bizarre and controlling that you’ve kept the flat in your name to be honest. If you want it to be ‘theirs’ it would be in their names. It’s not the generous gift you’ve made it out to be, DS and DIL are effectively living rent-free in mummy’s flat, this offers her no security. If he works hard and has committed himself to the family business why not pay him a more competitive salary? A salary of £50k is not very competitive for central London (I’m sure people will be along to say it’s a huge salary, it’s not comparable for ‘city jobs’) obviously a different story if he’s lazy or performs poorly

There will be tax implications with this set up, which I imagine your accountant will have advised you of.

You bought yourself a property which your son and DIL live in it. Is there any paperwork outlining this or is there a tenancy agreement in place.

You effectively gave a non-gift-gift, all the acclaim of being very generous but you bought yourself a property which your son and his wife live in.
I would feel disinclined to decorate or update the property as you will benefit from any increase in value in the immediate and your son when he inherits upon your death, and his wife, your daughter in law if they remain married.

Your DIL sounds like she is trying to ascertain their joint financial position which she would be very prudent to do.

Yep. I wouldn’t like this if I was the dil. It’s like you’re trying to give them a present but it isn’t really theirs.

No I don't think she sounds like a gold digger at all, I think she's asking sensible questions. If they chose for her to be a stay at home mum she would be sacrificing all financial independence and security and put herself in a very precarious position.
If I were her I'd be thinking long and hard whether having children with your son is a good idea.

I hope you arent able to let yourself in. I hope you dont have a key

Yes when can women be made to be independent financially and not rely on a man as a plan

Yes, what's even in the prenup when he doesn't own anything?

All very odd tbh.

I wouldn’t fee secure in her position. Do you even have a rental contract together? £50k isn’t much for London. Sounds like she is going about things the wrong way though. Time to save up to buy their own place, and he needs to get a job elsewhere.

I would not be happy with this situation as her.
What's his working hours like and expectations outside of work?

He's essentially completely beholden to you for a very average salary and she doesn't have any say over the house she lives in.

I wouldn't want her life tbh.

He doesn't have any gold to dig.

I agree with some others that I think the problem here is you have chosen to set things up in such a way that you do still exercise a great deal of power and control over all the assets and business, I believe you when you say you aren't exercising that power in an unreasonable or intrusive manner, but it's really entirely in your hands whether that continues. I've personally witnessed horrific family fall outs where large amounts of money are involved particularly where wealth is tied up in family businesses, and the thing is no-one ever thought it would be their family. From your DIL's point of view, if you and your son were to fall out tomorrow he could be left with nothing virtually overnight, no share in the business he's sacrificed himself financially and career wise to build, no home, no job and no inheritance. You can see why she feels insecure particularly if she and her husband are thinking of kids and want her to make career compromises accordingly. Ok yes they could and should have been saving from their salaries to build their own financial cushion but I can well imagine her husband/your DS saying why bother scrimping and living frugally all this time, I'm going to inherit loads anyway, let's live a little (and while yes relatively speaking £50k plus whatever she earns is a lot for a young couple with no dependents, if you've brought him up in a luxury lifestyle and encouraged him to expect he'll always have plenty of money I can well see that disappearing pretty quickly even without housing costs to consider).

From my point of view I think you need to be looking towards your son here, after all it's for him to make his wife feel secure. Either you need to trust your son fully (and that includes trusting that he hasn't chosen a golddigger for a wife) and therefore start making arrangements that he is actually given some of the keys to the castle I.e. made a proper shareholder / co-owner of the business and if the flat is his home and a gift from you I'd put it into his name or at least a trust arrangement where if he upsets you tomorrow you can't just kick him out willy-nilly.

Or actually if you don't feel he's ready or fundamentally you don't trust him with all that (although why, he's a grown man, what is it going to take for you to hand over to him?), I think it's time you paid him a market rate salary and made it very clear he's to stand on his own two feet without relying on the family money - if he wants his wife to be SAHM and still live a luxury Life he's going to have to make appropriate financial arrangements for her security - the usual arrangement amongst wealthy couples I know put assets into the wife's sole name including say a pension fund.

The son isn't rich, his parents are. He earns 50k because that is probably his level at 28. He's not the brains or CEO of a company, his parents just have some money that the daughter in law wants access to. The OP said he doesn't have to work for the family business and is only there as he expressed an interest meaning if he has other money making skills that will get him much more money he is free to pursue those interests. In London, in his free flat he has lots of opportunity.

The rush to hand over someone else's money to a daughter in law because share mean is just more entitlement which is the norm on Mumsnet.

I don't think she is a gold-digger. It sounds like you hold all the strings and they are just the puppets. Are you underpaying your son or are you paying him the correct rate for the job he does?

If you wanted to give them a flat as a wedding gift, why is it still in your name? If they split, she has nothing.
She’s potentially going to be the mother of your grandchildren and you clearly don’t trust her intentions.
I think she’s right to question the situation. I’d not have married him under these circumstances. You’re too enmeshed in their lives.

This is how rich people stay rich; by conserving their wealth and paying poor wages (to their own kids!)

If they managed to get their own deposit and buy a house, your DIL would lose half if they divorced. Your son has family wealth behind him but with nothing in his own name, your DIL has more to lose. Its still probably her best option because right now her security is at your whim.

I think your son's salary is too low for a job in London.

I also think if you can afford to buy a 3 bedroom central London flat its quite mean not to just gift a deposit.

She’s being incredibly sensible. You’re being very odd.

If everything goes wrong your son has family money, a job, a flat, a future.
Your son knows his future is sorted, he has no worries, he could probably wrack up some debts and get family help with that too.
Your DIL has nothing apart from her wage, she could end up homeless. Yes she could save her wages to buy another property, which would probably have your son's name on it too, but will he want to put some of his 50k towards another property, or will he want to spend it as he's living in London with no financial worries? She's then supposed to save and buy a property on her own? She's in a marriage, they are the partnership, not you and your son.
Gift them the flat properly, fully in both their names, if your going to continue to call it a wedding present. Is the flat near you, the work? Yes that's a gilded cage, your keeping him close, enough money to live in a big city without saving capacity. I'm sure it's done with love him, but also pretty quietly controlling

You didn't give them a flat. You bought yourself a flat that you let them live in...for now. That's very different. She has zero security.

This all seems weird. From my and DH's parents for our wedding gifts, we got our reception (minus the deposit) paid for, and a fridge and freezer. They were (are) ours. If you give something, you lose control over it. As far as I'm aware, a prenup only covers assets owned at the point of signing it, and what's more, everything bought/owned/given birth to(!)/inherited by either partner is viewed as joint. Including debts, I guess.
Is money (wealth, frankly) that important compared to spousal love and family (your hypothetical grandchildren)? My DH stands to one day inherit probably more than I will, I do not give two shakes of a rat's whiskers.
If your dil has married for money, she'll be miserable for the rest of her life anyway.

It's an exceptionally expensive hamster cage. She just gets to go out in a plastic ball Mon-Fri whilst the breeding male of the pair goes around his wheel for a few snacks.

He's not going to get a decent paying job if he's only ever worked for pocket money from his Mum, they have no security in accommodation as it's not a true tenancy and certainly not ownership and I can see how she'd feel vulnerable in having children; what if MIL doesn't like the name? What if she doesn't like the school? What if he shags the nanny and chucks her out? What if he hits her and she leaves - where's the maintenance going to come from if Mama decides it's all made up about her little boy and cuts his pay to nothing?

She's hugely vulnerable in this cage. Either give him actual freedom or don't, but don't accuse her of only being after his money and property when Mama's the only one with any of it.