To avoid people who have the life I used to have

[SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut]

I have had a horrible divorce where I found out exh had not only spent big sums of family money but had also racked up debts in my name too. This is aside from the adultery and violence.

I have several friends who still live a life of financial security. A couple are really wealthy. They’re really lovely people. That’s not the problem.

I just don’t want to see them anymore. They are so fortunate and relaxed and thoroughly enjoying their lives. Exactly as they should. I wouldn’t wish anything else for them. It’s not their fault my circumstances are now dire.

But I am so anxious and stressed. Lurching from month to month worried sick about how to cover the ren, bills etc. I simply can’t contribute to their casual chat of holidays, second homes, university for their DCs when my life is in tatters.

I just want to disappear from them. Perhaps I am envious? I don’t know. I don’t really have time to think like that anyway because I am consumed with worry and actually obsessed with how we are going to survive.

How can I fade from view? They’re quite persistent in meeting up with me. That’s another cost I can’t afford either.

I don’t want to lose their friendship per se but I really don’t think I can continue it. It’s another stress for me. Perhaps triggers grief too.

I cut contact with a lot of our friends when I got divorced.

very similar situation. I just couldn’t cope with it,

Be honest? Say ‘I’m too busy trying to figure out how to get to the end of the month to maintain friendships at the moment’?

I think it magnifies our own unhappiness. When my child died I did avoid friends because of this. They were very understanding when I was ready to socialise again. I took a year out of friendships, except my two very closest friends.

Why don’t you talk to them honestly and tell them the truth?

If they still want to see you regardless of your change in circumstances it indicates that they like you as a person, they might be able to help, know someone who knows someone of a possible job opening etc

It seems foolish to disconnect from wealthy connected people who might be able to help you but they won’t know unless you talk to them.

I totally relate as I did the same.

In my case it was just too painful being reminded of happier, carefree times when my life was now so different and I was still such a mess, grieving, finding my feet.

I'm only now ready to reach out to some of our couple friends, more than two years down the line.

In hindsight I wish I'd written them a note explaining where I was emotionally rather than withdrawing.

I had to cut contact with people too, I couldn’t deal with the reminders of my past life.
These friendships will probably just fade away with time.
take care, it’s really xxxx

And that’s it now for your friendship with these people?

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I hate burning bridges but I feel wretched.

I will be very isolated but I also feel I am a merchant of doom. It’s never good news that I bring to our meets. I do try and be positive but I haven’t got good stuff to report.

I think I’d try to tell them a lot of this and how difficult it is for you and stress you want to keep the friendship but find it hard. It’s worth a try rather than just dropping them. They sound like nice people who want you in their lives so some understanding might go a long way.

If they are close friends, surely you can talk to them about your feelings?

No. They can’t help me. They know my circumstances.

I know it seems foolish to cut ties with them. But it seems that once you are out of those strata, you really cannot manage to keep up.

I would not cut them off, after all they have done nothing wrong, but instead I would take a break from seeing them until your situation is more stable.

If they invite you/want to meet you can truthfully tell them that your life is a bit too complicated and hectic right now and that you need to focus on the aftermath of your divorce but look forward to socialising again in the future.

If they are good friends and decent people they will understand.

If they know your financial situation and don’t realise how tone- deaf their chat is, they are not good friends anyway.

I wouldn't burn bridges. Friendships are valuable. It sounds like right now you are hurting and there's a natural instinct to hide away and lick your wounds, quite apart from the practical side of things. Maybe meet up with one at a time so that the conversation is more just the two of you rather than the latest skiing holiday a couple of them took.

"Be honest? Say ‘I’m too busy trying to figure out how to get to the end of the month to maintain friendships at the moment’?" Saying something like this is likely to just come across as resentful, like you blame them. I really wouldn't frame it like this, for your own sake too.

How practical is it to keep costs down? I know it's easy to say, but can be tricky if there's travel involved. It costs a fortune to see my friends who left the city.

I would talk to them.

I can completely relate to this feeling of not being able to “match up” and finding the contrast painful. And you would be perfectly reasonable to take a step back. But I would see it as a temporary thing.

Don’t leave them confused and maybe feeling they have in some way precipitated it. Keep your options open and tell them you just can’t manage it right now but you still care about them.

You situation (and theirs) could change on a dime: don’t make current financial circumstances responsible for the end of what could be an otherwise life enhancing friendship.

100% understand, @SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut

My thirties were for the most part very tumultuous and difficult and seeing some friends happy and settled was just too painful. I did meet DH in the end and had two children so please don’t assume this is it; life has twists and turns but protect yourself too

Are you sure it’s a true friendship (on both parts) and not just social acquaintances? If the former, now is the time you need the most. If the latter, then what’s the loss as social acquaintances are ten a penny

Decent friends will be sensitive especially about the financial position, just invite them round for a coffee, or picnics in the park, or even just a walk. But you do need friends to get through this.

I’d be completely honest with them and say that at the moment you are in survival mode because life is so stretched financially, and you don’t have the headspace for the activities you used to do.

It can be amazing who can be a good friend in difficult circumstances and who can’t. Do them the honour of giving them a chance to be real friends to you. But you don’t have to go along with tone deaf ideas ‘let’s just have a lovely picnic, a few Waitrose bits’ etc. A blunt ‘can’t afford that’ will do.

It depends what kind of friends they are.

If its a casual pass-the-time-of-day friendship and its not fun for you anymore then move on without a second thought.

If you feel you have a deeper friendship, you ought to be able to be honest about your feelings, and recieve support.

This sort of situation often lets you know what kind of friends you really have.

I am with PPs who say don't burn bridges - at least not permanently - as there will come a day when you will miss them / be in a better place and it will be too late.

I am wealthier / earn significantly more than all of my old friends. In our catch-ups, I deliberately don't mention anything about finances or comfortable living. I also always choose activities and restaurants that will be affordable for everyone.

I think your friends should have been doing this anyway once they knew you were having challenges, but perhaps you could explain that is hard for you to listen to - or that you will be temporarily less available but value their friendship and will be in contact as soon as you are emotionally able?

I have a friend who told our group that she would be dropping out for a while and would not be in touch until she’d got through a tough time. We didn’t know, but somewhat assumed, it was marriage problems and, indeed, it was a shitty divorce. I had pangs of wishing she’d let me help or support her but accepted her choice. Now, some years later, we have been back together as a group for a few years and as good friends as ever. I don’t know if she got back in touch with other friends though.

You used to have things in common with them and now you don’t. Friendships often fade when that happens.

When we suddenly became broke, my rich friends could not understand this at all. They’d say ‘let’s go to the theatre/ cinema’. They simply couldn’t process that I did not have any money for this.

I agree with this. I dont understand the mentality of simply cutting off friends because they are doing well.

If someone cut me off simply because my life happened to be going well at that particular time (and I say that because life always has its always ups and downs for everyone) I would think they were a shit friend, frankly.

I understand having a word with them if they are going on about a sensitive topic for you, thats understandable, but If you can only be friends with people if their lives are worse than yours then thats concerning and you wont have many friends left in years to come.

It’s understandable.

I went from a “comfortable” life to frequently homeless, hungry & cold almost overnight when my parents’ marriage blew up.

It took me a very long time to be able to emotionally cope with not just a lack of comfort & security, but constant, stress, discomfort & deprivation. The drop was abrupt and I had no tools to help me cope. The only thing I had on my side was youth, it would be much harder to cope with at 56 than 16.

I’ve built a shock proof life. That prioritises time over money. Essentials over nice to have. Quite a bit of chosen discomfort to avoid ever being over-insulated from the illusion of security again.

It makes me a bit of an odd duck to be friends with. And means I have to edit on the fly as I speak so I don’t “frighten the horses” as it were, when around people who have a very different world view on what poverty is and how fragile “security” can be.

The grief for the life I had has gone. But I needed help with that. I carried it for a very long time and it was a heavy burden to carry.

If I could reach through the screen and give you a huge hug, I would. Those who have not lived it cannot understand the soul shaking nature of The Fall. Which makes it quite a lonely place to be.

No,

i took time out. Some of them understood and were happy to catch up with me when I was ready to talk.

they were mostly uni friends who I didn’t see very regularly anyway (and it was in the middle of covid so actually meeting up didn’t really happen for a long time as well).