To avoid people who have the life I used to have

[SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut]

I have had a horrible divorce where I found out exh had not only spent big sums of family money but had also racked up debts in my name too. This is aside from the adultery and violence.

I have several friends who still live a life of financial security. A couple are really wealthy. They’re really lovely people. That’s not the problem.

I just don’t want to see them anymore. They are so fortunate and relaxed and thoroughly enjoying their lives. Exactly as they should. I wouldn’t wish anything else for them. It’s not their fault my circumstances are now dire.

But I am so anxious and stressed. Lurching from month to month worried sick about how to cover the ren, bills etc. I simply can’t contribute to their casual chat of holidays, second homes, university for their DCs when my life is in tatters.

I just want to disappear from them. Perhaps I am envious? I don’t know. I don’t really have time to think like that anyway because I am consumed with worry and actually obsessed with how we are going to survive.

How can I fade from view? They’re quite persistent in meeting up with me. That’s another cost I can’t afford either.

I don’t want to lose their friendship per se but I really don’t think I can continue it. It’s another stress for me. Perhaps triggers grief too.

I get it, it’s so hard. When you try and explain it, people just don’t get it. When I left my husband, I had a suitcase of things, I was homeless and then had to declare myself bankrupt.

Sending you a massive hug. Put yourself first and do what is right for you. If they are good friends then they will understand, they obviously do want to see you because it sounds like they care. It is really hard. Can you meet them for a walk / coffee? I know when I was so broke I was scraping pennies together I couldn’t afford coffees out so we met up for walks and took flasks with us.

If my friend was going through a bad time I would want to support them, but I would also accept sometimes we all have to pull away and deal with issues. Be honest, tell them you can't cope with it just now, real friends understand. I'm pretty open and tell friends I might disappear for a bit, but back when I'm able, I do acknowledge it, which helps them know I'm not in a huff with them

I can relate to what you are saying and remember a period of surreptitiously looking to see if new women I met were wearing wedding rings or were they “like me” dumped and now single.
As evidenced by a couple of posts upthread if you haven’t been there you will never understand

Unless they’re stupid then I’d say they have an idea of what struggles you are going through.
Its okay to back away, if they care about your wellbeing they’ll continue to be there in the background.

The first job I could get was in a shabby coffee shop on a train platform and I remember watching various women I knew catching the train into London for the days out I had routinely had before. To be honest though I held my head high remember lots of people really aren’t living the life you assume, don’t give up your friends whatever you do just pause it a bit or give a clean explanation

Me and my best friend used to have similar levels of disposable income and therefore lifestyle. Then she inherited a LOT of money, and my income reduced significantly.

I find it really hard to talk to her and find a level. She wears her wealth lightly, doesn't rub it in, ever, but of course her conversation is about holidays and city breaks and home improvements. I can't afford a holiday, haven't been able to for a few years. I am constantly stressed about money.

None of this is her fault. I don't begrudge her a single penny and I am genuinely happy for her.

I just have fuck all in common with her any more and can't join in the conversations.

I hear you.

I agree. Surely a good friend would realise you are emotionally low and also struggling financially.
It doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy their leisure time, meetings and happy family circumstances. But these terrible changes can happen to anyone, as the threads on here show.
I would be honest. There’s nothing else for it, and if they react negatively then leave them to it.
If they are good friends they will think about planning things that are low or no cost.

Surely this all depends on if you will recover? I don’t think I’ll ever “recover” from my years of infertility, multiple miscarriages and the fact I will never have children. My friends children will never go away will they. They won’t stop talking about their happy families and nor should they. Then in the future they’ll likely all talk about their lovely grandchildren. I wouldn’t want my friends to have to walk on eggshells around me. Having to avoid discussing their children. But I also spent so long smiling and listening to it all and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t manage going home and crying and feeling like I’m just waiting to die as I have no purpose in life. So I made the choice to let the friendships go. I don’t regret it yet. Maybe I will one day. I can’t predict the future. I’m happier in my own solitary bubble. My life IS going on. Just by myself. And their lives ARE going on. Just without me. I actually think it would be quite arrogant of me to tell them to “wait” am infinite amount of time until I may or may not feel better to contact them again. I would never expect them to not see me for 20 years then I just text them and say right I’m better now let’s meet up! I think that would be being a terrible friend as well.

So very sorry x

Yanbu to feel this way. I understand the envy which is not so much about disliking people for stuff you haven't got but more like an inner sigh saying I wish I still had that too.

You could be honest.
Say that they can reach out to you in a year or so.
If they really want you as a friend, they will.

Sometimes though we have to accept that it is circumstances and situations that keep us around people.

It's like university. Some people will stay in touch, others just disappear.

If that's the case, treasure the memories and move on.

I think that if they are good people and you are connected through more than just lifestyle, then you should explain to them how you feel. Good friends should be treasured.

I cut almost everyone off after a horrific breakup. It just felt like my life before it and my life after it… and everyone from my ‘before life’ … it was just too painful

A previous friend did this to me and my husband when her circumstances changed. We were very hurt but we guessed what might be going on, and tried to offer space but also invites for walks in the evening or meeting in a park. She avoided us for years even though I explicitly told her we weren't judging any of her choices (she had been cheating, which we didn't know, and it all came out. We wanted to stay friends with both of them). I wish she'd just told us that she didn't want to stay friends and why, because we got very hurt over the years watching the 'oh we MUST meet up' followed by ghosting pattern.

We felt that she had decided we'd be judgemental, unsupportive, or take sides, and it hurt us to feel characterised like that. We'll never really know what went on. Anyway, it ended a really close family friendship the second her husband found out and it all fell into the open.

I think you need to do whatever is right for you, but it might be kinder if you can to explain that to people who, presumably, have been important to you personally.

Good luck going forward, and I'm so sorry you find yourself in hard times. I hope this is temporary for you and happiness lies in your future.

It's always been this way.
If there is no common place to meet like a pub, somebody moves away, people graduating etc most friendships die out.

Only the solid ones survive geographical and situational upheavals.

In the past friendships were lifelong as people didn't move about so much.

I’d guess they want to be there for you. You need people op to help you, I surrounded myself with friends when we broke up and it’s the best thing I ever did. It’s like when someone dies, someday you’ll shock yourself by smiling at how great the world is that that couple found each other etc

It's also quite a passive aggressive dig. It's implying, without saying it outright, that they're being terribly insensitive and frivolous to even suggest meeting up when the OP feels like she can barely put one foot in front of the other. Why assume bad faith? Maybe they think a night where the OP could switch off from it all is just what she needs.

It sounds like OP is going through a terrible time. I can well understand why she might want to hide away for a bit. But realistically, none of us can expect everyone else to be unhappy because we are; to never mention anything positive going on in their lives just in case.

I've been the friend in this situation. My friend, who I'd happily congratulated when she got a great job, and then emotionally supported when she felt she couldn't continue with that job after a period of illness, started to complain about how bad things were for her if I ever dared to mention something fun or interesting happening to me. The peak came when I'd posted on Facebook about looking forward to a couple of Christmas parties that week. She'd (publicly) replied, "I'M looking forward to being trapped in the house, ever-plummeting immunity, having no money..." My heart just sank. She couldn't even let me enjoy life on my own social media without a "But what about meeeee?" guilt trip. It's incredibly draining.

A friend of mine explained that he was having a tough time and basically needed to drop off the radar for a while. This was helpful as I knew he needed space and didn’t want to chat.
We’re back to the chats now.
Could you do something similar?

Yeah, just be honest and say you need mental space right now. I think that is perfectly reasonable. Maybe try to make new friends as well who are understanding of your situation.. When my ex and I divorced, we both moved on geogphically and also with friends. We werent rich, so it was a slightly diffetent situation, but I think couples friendships often break down when people split up anyway because the friendship worked precisely because you were all couples in it together. When that changes, the basis for the friendship changes too and the frienddhip stops working.

I'd have an honest conversation with whichever of them is your main friend.
Explain that you're finding it difficult to fit with them at the moment because of the changes in your life. That you value them hugely, and its nothing they've done wrong. Just that a lot of the things you talk about together are very different for you and you're struggling.
You could maybe suggest a change of routine for the friendship, that rather than you visit and chat with them as couple, you meet for an activity one on one, so the focus is on the external stimulus rather than your lives.
What I'd really try not to do is fade from them with no explanation. You will hurt them if they care about you. And if they are true friends you will miss them some day.

You didn't understand at all, and actually expose further issues. If your friend was feeling like this, you'd centre yourself and your feelings.

Can you be honest? It not and that is totally understandable, I think just minimize contact for now and however long you need. Find some friends in a similar boat.

I’ve been the awful friend, although not as awful as to post things on socials.
Someone close to me who’d been through far worse sent me something which said - nobody is coming to save you.
And he was right.
I had become so bogged down in poor me that I’d forgotten everyone had their issues, and I think age is a leveller. I have friends now who are well off but tied close to home to look after parents, for example.
My good friends stayed. I couldn’t have kids but now love that their children are in my world. When we meet up now we all moan, but in a lighthearted way. My eyes are going, my knees are knackered, how is your bladder, my other half has hairy ears and is too shortsighted to see them…
We also have a chance now to look back at our youth when we were equal in so many way, and had so many good times. We had so many, and the next generation would be shocked if they knew what we’d got up to.
Now we are back to feeling the same, no matter what we own or where we live. We have all lost at least one parent, one DH has died, several siblings. We have been through so much between us. From bankruptcy to marrying someone much younger, and then much older, divorce. Annoying MILs, controlling mothers, we have each had our own issues.
When we meet now we actually toast that we are all still here. Then we have a laugh.

Thank you for starting this thread @SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut , I also had a horrific divorce from a horribly narcissistic man. On the surface we had a lovely comfortable life and our friendship circle were very comfortably off too. We socialised a lot, had group ski holidays together etc. when the divorce came, it turned out he had been looking out for himself all along and left me penniless (long story for another thread!). I literally walked out the door with my less than average paying job, and no savings, just an old car. I worked 45 minutes away so had to find a flat close by work in case my car ever broke down. I managed to qualify for a shared ownership place but the rent and mortgage just about broke me. I couldn’t afford any luxuries. I just survived day to day. My friendship group tried hard to include me, but I couldn’t afford the petrol to travel and couldn’t afford the socialising anymore. I became very isolated and lonely. The whole transition from a life of comfort to a life of struggle and relative poverty left me very depressed and a bit traumatised. I remember a family friend moving to a huge new house in the country with a pool, equine facilities etc. she’s a lovely person who helped her husband build a successful company from the nothing. If anyone deserved the lifestyle, she did. My mum was so excited and phoned me to say they were all going over to see the new house and would I like to come. Whilst I was over the moon for our friend, the last thing I could face was a reminder of the comfort and security of a wealthy lifestyle. I needed time to adjust to and process my new life. I don’t think she did it on purpose. She genuinely didn’t think it through. My mum was never one for empathy or sympathy. She was a ‘pull yourself up by your boot straps and get on with it’ type of person. In retrospect, I should’ve made an excuse that I couldn’t make it but I was honest with her and said I couldn’t face the reminder of what I’ve lost even though we weren’t quite that level of wealth. I was really quite shocked by her response telling me I was bitter and jealous and needed to pull myself together. It really hurt because I really wasn’t bitter or jealous. I was genuinely pleased for our friend, I just hadn’t processed the reality of what my life had become. I think if people haven’t been through this, they simply can’t grasp what it does to you mentally. It broke me financially and psychologically. Because of my mum‘s comments, I’ve never really opened up to anybody about how I felt at losing my financial security and lifestyle. It’s really sad to hear how many people have had similar experiences but it is comforting to know we’re not alone and it’s validated my feelings that it’s not about bitterness or jealousy. This thread has helped me to purge my mum‘s comments from my head and see that I have a right to feel what I feel about what happened to me. I’m so sorry OP for what you have and still are going through. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug through the screen. You are not alone.

@ilikemethewayiam the feelings you had are completely understandable, I'd feel exactly the same way.

Many people on this thread are explaining so well the experience I had, especially @CrazyMidget 's post at 9.08am.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you have nicer people in your life now than your unkind mum.

We have had this in our group with one friend. It is extremely confusing to be on the receiving end. I know she adores us, but her life has changed beyond all recognition, and she is leading a completely different life now. She has just one friend left. I would be honest op, tell them how you feel, and why you are stepping back.

They will want the best for you, even if the friendship ending is very sad. I would keep the door open with the odd text and updates. You might come to wish you had stayed in touch, when your life settles down. Good, genuine friends are so hard to come by.

I understand op - the reminders are just too painful. I am sure they will understand.