To avoid people who have the life I used to have

[SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut]

I have had a horrible divorce where I found out exh had not only spent big sums of family money but had also racked up debts in my name too. This is aside from the adultery and violence.

I have several friends who still live a life of financial security. A couple are really wealthy. They’re really lovely people. That’s not the problem.

I just don’t want to see them anymore. They are so fortunate and relaxed and thoroughly enjoying their lives. Exactly as they should. I wouldn’t wish anything else for them. It’s not their fault my circumstances are now dire.

But I am so anxious and stressed. Lurching from month to month worried sick about how to cover the ren, bills etc. I simply can’t contribute to their casual chat of holidays, second homes, university for their DCs when my life is in tatters.

I just want to disappear from them. Perhaps I am envious? I don’t know. I don’t really have time to think like that anyway because I am consumed with worry and actually obsessed with how we are going to survive.

How can I fade from view? They’re quite persistent in meeting up with me. That’s another cost I can’t afford either.

I don’t want to lose their friendship per se but I really don’t think I can continue it. It’s another stress for me. Perhaps triggers grief too.

I find it astounding how friends still married with double incomes just can't understand or think that someone who is now single doesn't have the same amount of disposable income.

I have exactly the same experiences and then people seem surprised when I say "because I can't afford it" like this is a revelation to them.

The friends in question here sound particularly insensitive and clueless though.

Another vote for don't cut them off completely.

People often don't need a thorough and complete excuse for not seeing them for a while, maybe try variations of, sorry I've got so much going on at the moment, etc.

I forced myself to spend time with my "luckier" friends when I was in your situation, it was agonising and often they were really tactless/thoughtless, but I was very lonely and knew that being around people was better than the sadness I'd fall into when alone.

Now (10 years on) I'm feeling stronger than ever and have had huge insights into other people's relationships, to the point I hadrly even mind being single.

That's just my situation though, your circumstances may be much harder to bear and I feel for you OP.

I find lying works best - I know that if I were to tell the truth, like 'financial difficulties, can't afford', my friends would immediately start shoving money at me (to borrow) and then feel awful when I say no.
So why don't you say you are busy with something and keep in touch with an occasional text or two? And this 'busy' should last as long as it takes to sort yourself out. It could be another job, you are working two jobs, helping somebody, a sick relative?

I wouldn’t cut them off. Don’t push away nice, kind people that are keen to maintain a friendship with you. In the long run, you’ll regret that. Positive, successful people are good to have on your team.

Who do you want to hang out with? Losers who don’t have a pot to piss in?

That is a twisted logic, don’t push away these people because they’ve just been to Majorca and you can’t. It means nothing.

I can see why you’re tempted but if you have people that are actively trying to see you, take that as a huge compliment. They may be able to help dig you out of your predicament. I don’t mean financial help necessarily, but they may have a friend of a friend who is in the same predicament, they may have a holiday home free for a week, they may give you a few options you hadn’t thought of. I don’t know, but it seems cruel to them and to yourself to drop people just because they have more money than you.

I had no choice …… my ex threatened me ‘they’re MY friends so stay away’! And I later discovered that he had told them all that I didn’t want to see any of them! I was very much on my own when I got divorced so I feel your isolation OP.

Don't do anything radical. When you feel the way you do, just drifting is acceptable.

If you are 100% certain the friendship can only be buoyant if you all have similar stuff going on then withdrawing is fine but you might find that some people will stick around and help. Don't make a decision you might later regret.

I get it though. I had botched surgery and I have gone from very very fit and muscled, working and paying taxes to bed rotting for years trying to get it put right. I find being around people who are potentially well but overeat, get pissed and injured or smoke their heads off, really difficult when I try on a minute to minute basis to improve my lot in life. I have PTSD too so that doesn't help.

I hear you, OP. Divorce turns not only your current life inside out and upside down, but the rest of your future, too. To adjust your view of the rest of your life is extremely difficult. Like looking through a window to find that the familiar and beloved view outside has been replaced with a landscape you don't recognise. And a sense of discombobulation, that everything that was certain now is uncertain. It is truly as if you thought you were in wondrous Oz but the curtain is pulled back and someone you don't know anymore says "Only joking! Hahahaaa! Did you think you were going to live in this Technicolor world forever? No, my dear, no! Back to bad dates, small home, and worrying about the future for you!" And just like that, the door on Technicolor Town is slammed in your face.

I do not think that people who have never experienced the sheer pain and horror of divorce can possibly understand.

I, too, see long-term married couples all around me who are now reaping the benefits of a few decades of married life, shared finances, and shared bills. They all have lovely houses, great marriages, and lots of nice holidays. They have their troubles, too, but they have each other and really nice lives.

What can I say? It simply is not fair. I was betrayed, too. I have noticed that people who had no choice in the end of their marriages seem to feel it worse than those who had a mutual break-up or who were the ones to initiate the split. Those people tend to be fine about dating again and remain optimistic about relationships and marriage, often wishing to marry again, and doing so. Meanwhile, the mere idea of another marriage or live-in relationship after my abusive marriage to an angry, uncontrollable bear has me gibbering in the corner.

I see these long-term happily married couples bumbling around in their little worlds, knowing nothing of the scars that divorce inflicts, and to me they seem childlike and innocent. When you divorce after being blindsided, I believe you cross the Rubicon into a world of new knowledge that you can never forget. I think that it's very hard for divorced people and people whose first marriages worked out to communicate. It's not their fault, and you know that.

I think for me, the hardest thing has been coming to terms with the sheer unfairness of it all. Of course, I know that life is not fair. I know it rationally. But to be thrust into such a totally different place from your peers, through no fault of your own, feels more than unfair, it feels cruel. I can understand why people talk bitterly of their divorces decades later. Divorce reverberates for the rest of your life.

I think you should take a step back if being with these friends is hard for you, OP. And when you do see them, you can keep it short-ish. Can you meet them for coffee and cake? I wouldn't be accepting any couple-y dinner party invitations and the like. You could stay in touch via text and stuff. You don't have to spend hours hanging out with them in their perfect world with other happy couples.

I'm wondering if there are any divorce support groups you can go to?

Take heart, dear OP. This too shall pass. I think it's all part of the healing process.

I’ve been in similar, though not such extreme, straits as OP and found it hard to be around ‘sorted’ people in groups, so I moved to a one-on-one model - a walk, a cup of tea at home once in a while, no group meet-ups. With a few friends, this model broke the friendship: they continued to go on about second homes blah, told me something I was struggling with ‘wasn ‘t a biggie’, seemed oblivious. So byeeee! With most though, the model revealed depths of experience and kindness that really helped me.

Ten years on, the group meet-ups (VERY rarely including other halves) are back and I’m so glad I didn’t turn my back on them.

Good luck OP.

If I was your friend I would want you to talk to me about how you are feeling. They are probably guessing at the moment and think that going out etc will make you feel better. If they are real friends they will understand and want to help you. Wishing you the best of luck op.

If I was your friend, that wouldn't bother me. Life has ups and downs and I'd be honoured that you trusted me enough to share your troubles with me.
It really sounds like you don't want to cut these people out of your life, so I think if I were in your shoes, I would start suggesting meet ups that worked for my budget even if it is mainly walks and coffees, and let them know why in terms I was comfortable with.

I'm sorry you're in a tough spot at the moment OP. I do hope things get better for you soon. It sounds like you are being incredibly brave to stand on your own and i am sure all of us here are wishing you the very best xx

Are the familiar with Brene Brown's work on vulnerability? You may find her book, The Gift of Imperfection, helpful.

I know it’s not the same - but me and a v close friend got pregnant at the same time, except I miscarried and she had a healthy pregnancy. I cut her off, I know it was irrational she didn’t even know why as she didn’t know I was pregnant and she kept talking and talking about her pregnancy. I did end up getting close again. So I truly get you.

Most of my dearest friends are far wealthier than I am, op and have no money worries.
They don't have my chronic health issues, either.
One friend has 3 houses, and will inherit ££££ another is looking to move to the countryside with her dh and they have £££ to do so.
I am not envious per se, but the lack of worry must be nice.
If they are good friends, maybe meet up 121 for a while if its overwhelming xx

I think, though, I didn't get the feeling OP feels they are brazenly flaunting, but the problem can be that if you are floating along well, then that touches most aspects of your life, so that you would almost need to withhold and obfuscate to avoid it coming out that actually you can't meet up in two weeks because you will be on holiday, or updates on your children when asked etc. They can play it down, but at some point it becomes almost patronising if they aren't relatively open about what is going on in their lives.

OP, I think your feelings are normal. I would just be honest with them. Tell them you value their friendship but are currently grappling with adjusting and being around them throws you back into the old days and a life you are, currently, grieving. I would focus on the connection to that time, rather then saying you feel envious per se - not that that is not understandable, but it could carry accusatory undertones that I don't think you feel.

I am sorry you are going through a rough time.😔

Oh @SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut

Are these friends kind, compassionate people? Do they want to support you?

if the answer is yes, then I think rather than fading them out, you should talk to them.

I know in this circumstance I’d be heartbroken that my friend felt so low in the friendship, she’d rather cut contact.

I have a friend who is struggling financially. I make sure that we meet up at my house or hers, that we share walks and talks which are free. We visit free galleries and exhibitions with a flask of coffee. I try to have self awareness and don’t rub her face in my relative financial security. I know this is hard for her. But I think it would be harder if she let go of friends who live her for her and not her bank balance.

We could all have our fortunes reversed. If these people are good friends then I’d speak to them and tell them just how wretched you feel at the moment.

I have had two friends cut me off after their divorces. It hurts but I understand why.

One just ghosted me but the other explained that she just couldn’t be constantly reminded of things, she wanted to move on with her life. I’m hopeful one day she’ll come back.

You need to do what works for you but please tell them why.

I would too. And even saying l'm just not good company at the moment is ok. If this was one of my friends, l'd try and be very sensitive to their situation and offer support if l could.

You can't ask to "disappear from their lives" at the same time as wanting to "maintain the friendship". The only thing you could do is ask them to give you space and ask that they be there for you while you sort yourself out. If you go cold on them, they are not likely to be sympathetic. Not sure you should ask them to help you, as some pps have said. That isn't their role.

I too had a similar "shock" in my mid 20s when everything was pulled out from me because of an abusive ex, and it all ended up in court. The amount of work it took to come back from that was incredible. As a pp said, youth is everything. I was 26 and it was so much easier to bounce back at that age.

It's really up to you what you do, but try not to cut off your nose to spite your face. You might need them for moral support down the line.

I think this is good advice.
It might open their eyes to the reality of your situation.

Some people really are SO crass and wrapped up in their own ' first world problems' that they don't think about others'

I hear you and can relate.

For me, it is constant holiday snaps - 3 abroad in the space of 2 months. She HAS divorced but re-married etc .

I have a sibling similar too -with them I will sarcastically reply with -

'First world problems'.

I think it depends whether you want to keep the friends later on when/if you are more settled as to how you approach it.

Being honest I’ve had to do the same myself but the difference is I don’t expect to see them in the future. It’s the sacrifice I’ve made in order to protect my own mental health and sanity. I haven’t been able to have children and all my friends have. I couldn’t cope with the happy families and them talking constantly about their kids or how hard parenting is. So I made the decision to back away. Am I lonely? I guess so yes. But I can cope with loneliness far better than jealousy and anger. (Not angry at them. I know it’s not their fault I can’t have children. But just generally angry at the unfairness of life). I can live in my lonely bubble and distract myself much easier.

So because I don’t want or expect to see them again in the future cutting them off doesn’t affect me. If I had wanted them to be friends in the future then I may have handled it differently.

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut I hope things feel better soon, it must have been so hard to go through what you went through 💐

After my divorce, a lot of my friendships fell apart. Some just didn't contact me, others I withdrew from. I was in such a state of shock from having had an emotionally abusive ex DH and all the stress of the break up that it felt like I just couldn't talk. I was just silent. And hearing all the usual chat about husbands, family holidays, DIY etc - I had nothing to add. It felt like two completely different worlds.

It was also so painful to come to terms with the break up of my family unit (even though my ex was abusive) and hearing all the "happy families" stories was just unbearable (of course no one was rubbing anything in my face, just talking about their lives, which was completely understandable)

I felt so isolated and alone, but also like I couldn't connect with hardly anyone.

Luckily I am close to my siblings who were very supportive, and actually I ended up closer to a couple of friends who I hadn't been particularly close to before, but somehow our friendship survived everything.

It really made me reassess everything, about friendships and relationships. I still feel a lot of care and love towards my old friends. But it just feels like life circumstances can sometimes change things in a fundamental way.

I would suggest this too. Be totally honest with them about your feelings and your practical troubles as well. If they stick around then they're true friends and you need to keep them.
Although we weren't very well off I remember feeling just like you do OP when my 1st marriage broke up. It does seem totally unfair but you will come out the other side. Good luck

It's so sad that people throw others away due to changes in your circumstances.

Can't have meant that much to some of you in the first place if you can do that. Awful to discard people who do nothing but exist?

But if you can't be a friend then just do it because that isn't fair on them.

Life goes on. Yes we all have things that are awful and hard to deal with. But it's surely it's better to be adult and explain that sorry, youre going through a hard time and you aren't in the place to be a friend right now and just need some time to recover and that you hope they understand. And you'll be back in touch when things have calmed down.

You may find yourself regretting doing so, once the dust has settled and you have hardly anyone around you.

I think it really reflects the values people put on friendship these days to be discarded because it no longer serves them. Instant society indeed.