To avoid people who have the life I used to have

[SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut]

I have had a horrible divorce where I found out exh had not only spent big sums of family money but had also racked up debts in my name too. This is aside from the adultery and violence.

I have several friends who still live a life of financial security. A couple are really wealthy. They’re really lovely people. That’s not the problem.

I just don’t want to see them anymore. They are so fortunate and relaxed and thoroughly enjoying their lives. Exactly as they should. I wouldn’t wish anything else for them. It’s not their fault my circumstances are now dire.

But I am so anxious and stressed. Lurching from month to month worried sick about how to cover the ren, bills etc. I simply can’t contribute to their casual chat of holidays, second homes, university for their DCs when my life is in tatters.

I just want to disappear from them. Perhaps I am envious? I don’t know. I don’t really have time to think like that anyway because I am consumed with worry and actually obsessed with how we are going to survive.

How can I fade from view? They’re quite persistent in meeting up with me. That’s another cost I can’t afford either.

I don’t want to lose their friendship per se but I really don’t think I can continue it. It’s another stress for me. Perhaps triggers grief too.

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut not wanting to get into top trumps here but as someone who lost their mum young it is hard when you see people with their mums, all those milestones it is so hard 😢 . I mentally had to distance myself from time to time. I had to really focus on the positives in my life so as not to become resentful and bitter. As it was, I still needed counselling to deal with feelings of resentment towards my step family. It can eat away at you.

I wish you well. Things sound very hard and you’re being very honest and human. I suppose you need to think about what kind of life you want in a few years’ time. Who do you want in your life? Friendship is a two way thing. I know I’d be pissed off if a close friend disappeared for two years and then popped back up again without any explanation. If they are genuinely good friends then just explain, they will understand. 🌺

I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you losing your mum so young. That sense of loss and grief never leaves you?

Thank you for your kind words.

More fool her, chasing away a good friend. I don't blame you - there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour.

@Tryingtobegreenfingered I am so sorry for your loss. My mum recently died in her 90s, and that was tough enough for me.

OP, I commented earlier that we often find new friendships after divorce. I did, to avoid painful reminders. However, I recently reconnected with a good friend I haven't seen in over 20 years for this very reason. We picked up right where we left off.

If a friendship is strong, there's no need to explain anything. If you don't feel in the right place just now, that doesn't mean you'll never see them again. This is just not the right time for it.

Yes, I know they arent exactly the same life experiences, I didnt say they were.

But my point is still the same - if you withdraw from everyone who has what you dont have (regardless of whether its bereavement or divorce, or children etc) then that is not going to take away your pain, it will simply rob you of potentially supportive people in your life at a time when you most need them.

Unless these friends are complete arses who rub it in your face, you are throwing away people in your life who you previously valued greatly. I dont consider that to be a healthy or a wise decision. Yes, of course it hurts to compare, thats natural, and we all feel that to a certain extent but why not communicate this with these friends so at least they know whats going on rather than simply drop them?

Also, I would question what happens if you then end up getting re-married later on, are these friends expected to jump straight back into their role after being dropped for years? should they be picked up and put down when it suits your feelings and should they just stay there in the background ready to be re-activated when you feel like it?

I understand that divorce is devastating but if people are literally saying they can only remain friends with people who are in worse circumstances than they are in, then I am sorry, but I don't think thats at all psychologically healthy and it isnt going to make for any genuine lasting friendships either because the moment they meet a partner and you havent got one you will have to instantly drop them. You cannot guarantee that if you make a single friend after a divorce that they wont ever meet a partner later on. You'd be dropping people constantly by that rationale.

I am sorry OP. I feel like you, because of my own grief and personal circumstances. I just can’t be the same person; I’m not the same person. I need space to grieve my old life. I’ve messaged my couple of close friends so they know the situation. But they haven’t gone through it, so have no idea. I don’t know how those friendships will go, but I don’t have the bandwidth right now

No. You don't understand that divorce is devastating. You cannot possibly understand if you haven't lived through it.

Your stance on the matter demonstrates how little you understand. You're applying logic, for the precise reason that you don't get it, emotionally. The pain of bereavement is totally different from the pain of divorce. I am very familiar with both, and you're not, so just stop.

I got divorced 40 years ago . It was horrendous and I was left with very little but I don’t know how I would have got through without the support of my friends. I know at the time I was miserable and constantly going over what happened. I can’t have been fun to be with but my friends stuck by me. I have a totally different life now and I recently thanked my friends for getting me through and apologised for being miserable at that time . They have all had their own life issues since then and we all agree the support of friends was invaluable. Explain to your friends you need a bit of space but please don’t dump them forever .

We’re going through this at the moment. We’re the ones doing better and a couple we thought we were good friends with basically don’t want to know us anymore. The woman would make snide comments to us all the time about money, even when all we were doing was living our lives. We’re both very hurt as we only ever wanted to be friends and it had been 12 years of friendship.

It’s not about friends doing better than you though, people are misunderstanding.

They are deliberately misunderstanding.

I haven’t backed away from friendships because they are “doing well”. One of my old friends earns over 200k a year. My career choice means my pay is pretty much capped at 40k. I celebrated with her when she had various promotions. I sat with her browsing expensive houses when she was moving while I was in my small flat. I helped her build furniture in her lovely new house while drinking wine and having a laugh. I was her bridesmaid. I went to three baby showers for her children.

However I no longer see her because I cannot have children and I am struggling majorly with that. Like any mother she wants to talk about them as they are a massive part of her life and I would never expect her not to. It’s not her fault I can’t have them. We also both used to be a wider group that met up but now I’m the only one without children and for the last few years I did attend meet ups the conversations were just their children constantly. So I stopped going. They still meet up. Which is totally fine. I’m not upset they are all still friends. I honestly couldn’t care less how “well” they are doing. I just cannot be around them as they remind me of what I do not and will never have. Others on here may have dealt with that differently. That’s fine as well. For me it has helped me to back away. Maybe they feel upset I disappeared. Maybe they miss me. Maybe they have barely noticed. I really don’t know. But I really don’t think I was THAT important to them as at the end of the day I’m just a friend. It would be very big headed to think a friend would be devastated that I’m not there anymore. And they all seem just as happy in their lives without me and I’m happier being by myself. I doubt they get home after a meet up and cry that I wasn’t there. Whereas I used to go home and cry about my situation after meeting them. So me backing away has been the least painful option for everyone.

OP please text them back and ask to meet up.

It could've happened to either of them, if they are married? When you married XH you had no clue he was going to do the things he did, surely?
I get it, you don't want to look vulnerable, it's embarrassing and humiliating, but none of this is your fault.

If they were the superficial shallow types, they wouldn't have wanted to contact you.

Perhaps they have some good ideas to help you get through this.

Perhaps they have the bandwidth/energy to help.

Wouldn't you do the same for them?

OK, then drop all of your married friends.

It's completely the OP's decision, and only she can decide what's right for her. I have zero motivation to convince anyone to do something they don't want to do.

I was simply pointing out what I see as a possible downside: if those friends have been supportive, cutting them all off could leave her without people who care about her at a time when she might need them most. I have also tried to suggest a middle ground of talking to them about it, but apparently thats wrong too 🤷‍♀️

It might also end up being a decision that's difficult, or even impossible, to reverse later if those friendships fade away as a result. If thats fine with her then sure, cut them all out.

You’ve missed the point. I’m not cutting anyone off because they’re doing well.

I was out with one of my friends the other evening. I came away feeling shit. I realised that she pities me. She feels so sorry for me. We didn’t even talk about me much at all but when we did, I could see it. I felt a bit sick tbh.

I am nothing like I was three years ago. I am much more resilient and confident. And yet she feels sorry for me.

Then dont see her. You dont have to spend time with anyone who you believe "pities you".

But thats slightly different to what you said in your OP- you said: They’re really lovely people. That’s not the problem.
I just don’t want to see them anymore. They are so fortunate and relaxed and thoroughly enjoying their lives.

Therefore, most of us assumed these people were "lovely" as you originally said and were doing well and it wasnt them that was the problem.

If your friends are pitying you and its making you feel sick then dump them.

I get it. DH got very ill lurching us into financial difficulty and of course a much shrunken and lonelier life. It is likely temporary but it’s hard to see everyone enjoying themselves when I’m alone again and he’s at home isolated because he’s too sick to come.

And people always ask about it too. Like I don’t spent enough time drowning in his illness without talking about it too.

Honestly I’d just say I’m struggling and need a break. My best friend ditched me for 6m after she and her ex broke up (he’s my husbands best friend). She came back eventually after she healed a bit.

I would be "busy" for a while if that friend asks you to go out again.
The trick is to stick as much as you can to people and situations that make you feel ok or better, not worse.
If that means staying in more & indulging in box sets sometimes, so be it.

I avoided friends who would constantly ask me if I was dating and who also told me "how lucky" I was when my marriage ended because I could "have sex with anyone again" unlike them. Unbelievable!
That floored me at the time but now I would laugh it off and say something silly back & it wouldn't ruin my night.

You get stronger and more resilient as time goes on.
Good friends will always be there when you are ready.

It’s just this one. I don’t feel it from the others.

I don’t want to cut them off or dump them per se. I don’t want to create any drama or upset. I just want to fade from their view more. I think they have amazing lives. And I am glad for them. They should have amazing lives. Why not?

I just feel I’m never going to get out of this mess created for me. So I get down. And feel hopeless.

Perhaps I should find inspirational people to hang out with who I can find advice from in rl instead of my more wealthy well established friends. It’s not a matter of finding people who are in a shit place too.

I feel like this thread is going down the, “You’re just jealous” route which is a pity.

I can’t dictate your emotions, but maybe what you see as pity she means as empathy. Like others have said it would be a pity to lose your friends. I think it’s a balance between that & being in social situations that make you feel crappy.

I completely get what you are saying and feeling and have done the same thing with some less close friends for the exact same reasons.
I spent a long time at one point trying to find a community of like-minded people who had been through divorce or a group that would be useful but since Covid, & the advent of Zoom etc, anything like that is online.
I considered starting my own but didn't.

But I still sometimes think how nice it would be to meet up with people who are a similar age & in a similar boat, not to whinge together, but to support & inspire each other to keep moving forward.

Maybe I have watched too many feel good films? 😂

I don't think it's as simple as "you're just jealous" at all. I do think that it might be difficult right now to build the kind of close, inspiring friendships you're looking for when you're feeling so hopeless and down.

I don't mean that as a criticism, just an honest observation. People who are emotionally healthy and in a good place are usually looking for friendships that feel balanced, where both people support each other. If someone comes across as constantly needing reassurance, advice, or emotional support, that can become quite draining over time.

Friendship works best when it's reciprocal.

You mentioned earlier that your friends "can't help you," and I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. Friends can absolutely listen, encourage you, and offer advice, but they can't fix your circumstances. If you're relying on them to provide ongoing support or solutions, they may eventually start to feel overwhelmed.

I honestly think the best way to build the kind of friendships you want is to focus on getting some counselling or therapy for yourself first. As you become more secure and hopeful in yourself, you'll likely find it much easier to attract and maintain healthy, supportive friendships where both people bring something positive to the relationship.

I get this. The same happened to me and I just distanced myself. Our lives were too different. I felt embrassed. The same situation that you’re going through happened to us as a family. I lost my relationship with my father and just found it easier to start again. It happens and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think it's important to remember that these friends are not dropping you, they have been 'friends in need'. That's really valuable. Couldn't you find a way to say you need to disappear into the long grass for a while? Take some time for yourself?

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut thanks for your kind words about mum . 💗

I think you should fade out the pity friend- that sounds shit. Maybe confide in the nicer ones. Then just take some time for yourself, do what you need to come back out of this. I understand it’s like grieving - anger, sadness. I really hope you can see some light soon and can rebuild. Sending you a hug.

PS I did also just read that “you can’t make new old friends “ - so true, so don’t lose the good ones.