To avoid people who have the life I used to have

[SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut]

I have had a horrible divorce where I found out exh had not only spent big sums of family money but had also racked up debts in my name too. This is aside from the adultery and violence.

I have several friends who still live a life of financial security. A couple are really wealthy. They’re really lovely people. That’s not the problem.

I just don’t want to see them anymore. They are so fortunate and relaxed and thoroughly enjoying their lives. Exactly as they should. I wouldn’t wish anything else for them. It’s not their fault my circumstances are now dire.

But I am so anxious and stressed. Lurching from month to month worried sick about how to cover the ren, bills etc. I simply can’t contribute to their casual chat of holidays, second homes, university for their DCs when my life is in tatters.

I just want to disappear from them. Perhaps I am envious? I don’t know. I don’t really have time to think like that anyway because I am consumed with worry and actually obsessed with how we are going to survive.

How can I fade from view? They’re quite persistent in meeting up with me. That’s another cost I can’t afford either.

I don’t want to lose their friendship per se but I really don’t think I can continue it. It’s another stress for me. Perhaps triggers grief too.

So sorry op, you've had such a terrible time it is normal to want to retreat a bit and regroup.
Just keep a distance, message and stay in some contact without meet ups for now.
If they're nice people they'll understand and won't be pushy .

I couldn't bear to be around some couples after I divorced. I did distance myself. It actually showed me very starkly who was a true friend and who was more of an acquaintance. It was nothing they had done particularly but the friendships weren't deep enough to survive a change in circumstances.

Different situation but same feeling. My sister recently ‘retired’ age 50. She has no kids, a rich husband and can basically please herself. They’ve bought a big house in the country which they are renovating at huge expense. all they talk about is gardening, gardens, expensive bathrooms / kitchens, travel plans etc etc.

We OTOH have two teenagers who will need to be supported for some years to come, we are both working and likely to continue for a long time, living in a small-ish rented flat. DH recently went part time due to health issues, it’s been a pig of a year working through that, and our income has reduced as a result. So things are a bit tough.

There’s only so long I can feign interest in bespoke German shelving systems and garden saunas 🙄. Like you say, I can’t keep up. I don’t have good news to share, I don’t GAF about houses and gardens atm because I have actual people to support, but it’s a bit of a mood kill to bring that up. She kind of gets it, but it puts a big barrier between us. We’re struggling on 1.5 salaries, while she’s not working and trying to work out whether to increase the new bathroom budget by another £5k or not 🙄.

things will get better OP. If your friends are good friends they will understand that you need time out. They don’t need to help you out as such, they do need to accept that it’s not ‘business as usual’ for you just now and good friends should have that capacity.

I have been on the other side of this, twice. People who i thought were my close friends and relied on emotionally backed off when their lives 'fell apart' because they thought mine was perfect. It isn't perfect. I don't have relentless financial worries (now) but i have a LOT of other normal worries and difficulties. Difficult work situation, children struggling with school, aging, demanding parents, my own health problems, difficult relationships etc etc. And yes i go skiing occasionally but a week in the alps every couple of years doesn't make my life always easy sadly. If you have thought of them as genuine friends until now, maybe give them a chance, individually, and let them talk honestly about what's really on their minds. If it's the colour of the curtains in their second homes then ditch them, but there are probably plenty of things keeping them up at night and they may need a friend.

@MindThePause Your sentence "Those who have not lived it cannot understand the soul shaking nature of The Fall." sums it up perfectly.

Not the point of the thread, but did none of these ‘friends’ pick up on how awful your exH was? Violence, financial abuse etc. are relatively uncommon in well to do circles, and gossip and comparisons are rife. How did no one notice what you were going through? Did no one offer support before things got as bad as they got?

So sorry op. I felt the same after my ex left. It was just too hard. My ex had already smeared me so people didnt know what to believe and weren't very persistent anyway so bit different to you.

Yambu, of course, to feel this way. It's outrageous what these men do and they should bring in prison sentencing whereas it's totally minimised in divorce scenarios.

If they are genuinely lovely can you take a break from them but not cut off completely? You may not always feel the way you do now.

Are there any charities thst can help? Or just speaking to CAB for some advice/a listening service?

Sorry you've been through this. It's bloody awful.

Brilliant post.

Totally relate, something very similar happened to me. I didn’t cut people off as such, I just took a big step back. Kept in touch online rather than in person. That really helped actually, as I didn’t lose people but I wasn’t faced with the pressure of peopling, or keeping up with them. Over time it’s getting easier to let people back in/get out there more.

I’m in two minds. I was in your situation after a horrible divorce and felt the same, that I had nothing in common with these people in my new situation. I met someone and remarried, and got my “life” back. And my friendships.. well some of them. It’s hard to replace old friends and you never know what will happen in life. I second being honest with them and putting the friendships on pause.

They probably didn’t think your life was perfect, they thought you didn’t have their financial worries which is huge.

This. be honest.
My situation wasn't as bad as the OP's but I retreated from relationships when I was widowed. Some survived, some did not but it was what i needed to do.

Horrific advice.

why is that horrific? Its true.

Have they shown you any kindness and empathy with the divorce and what you've been through? Do you enjoy their company?

Totally get this OP. When your life gets a grenade like this chucked into it, and suddenly you're living a reality so far removed from the one your friends inhabit, every comment can feel like a papercut. It's really isolating, and it can feel like there's no way to clearly articulate it without sounding like you're blaming them, when really you're just - as someone else said - hurting and in survival mode.

The truth is that being poor - that real grinding, day-to-day stress of it where there's no cushion, no end in sight, and you're sprinting to stand still - is something a lot of people just can't understand unless they've lived it. And when you are already throwing all your energy at survival, there isn't a lot left to expend on making yourself understood. It's very reasonable to be upfront and say 'my budget is extremely tight just now, I'd love to see you but it'd need to be something that doesn't cost', and then see how they respond. It they're really friends, as people have said, they'll understand.

Sending strength - it sounds like you were royally fucked over and are working extremely hard in the face of it.

I have friends with a lot less money than me: we go to each others houses for coffee instead of going out, or meet in the park for a walk. I would be honest with your friends, say you really value them but are struggling to navigate the transition and might need to drop out for a bit but will return when you’re feeling better

The tone of it sounds awful. "Too busy to maintain friendships at the moment"?!

If one of my friends sent me that I'd think "fuck you" and never contact them again!

You can be clear that you can't afford expensive outings. Just say that if they ask you out. If you want to stay in touch, ask tgem round for a cup of tea. Or say you're too busy now to see them. No need to end things permanently, you might be glad to know them in a year or two.

I have done this a few times - my best friend has a really great life, yes she has everyday worries but she doesn't understand hardship. I am so happy for her and wouldn't ever wish anything else for her.

But my life is sadly marred by hardships, and sometimes spending time with her is too painful because listening to her talk about her 3rd holiday of the year, or how her husband did this wonderful thing for her, just shines a massive spotlight on my lacks and when she asks how I am, I don't want to sit there and reel off how shit my week was so I just say i'm fine.

She is supportive when I do open up to her, but we just live very different lives. So I have noticed I will sometimes delay replying to her messages, not really intentionally - just because i'm feeling down and faking a nice happy message just isn't something I have the energy for.

I hope things are looking up for you soon OP.

Pushing people away it's a common thing if you are depressed. I think you are. I was in the same position as you, and it is depressing seeing other couples getting on and generally coping better with their lives while you are struggling both mentally and financially. My only advice is to tell them that you are feeling a bit down and don't feeling like socialising at the moment and hope they understand.

What many people in couples don't understand is just how expensive life is when every single household bill has to be paid out of one income. Often they don't realise there is no money left over for expensive holidays and meals out. I only meet people for coffee/a single drink now and do low cost activities. I am currently renovating my house, slowly, as it's expensive employing tradespeople, and my nice but very comfortably off neighbours with their high double incomes are always saying why don't you get this and that done , when is the new kitchen coming etc ( I've been a year without a kitchen, but no one has ever cooked me a hot meal) , when are you replacing the windows, why not get an electric car like theirs etc with no clue that the cost is beyond my means and that I have to save up every single penny myself.

Tell me you haven't been there without telling me you haven't been there...

You clearly don't understand what the OP is going through & how it feels.

The friends in this situation sound equally clueless because they wouldn't be inviting the OP to do things that cost money and blathering on about their lives as if nothing has changed.

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut I think you just have to put some distance between you and friends like this while you recover from this awful experience.
Seeing them will just rub salt into the wounds and remind you of what you have lost which will slow down your recovery.

It's not about jealousy, it's about self preservation, recovery and coming to terms with a new way of life.

Just be polite and keep in touch but be too busy to meet up for a while.

If they are good friends they will still be there when you do finally feel able to meet up again and if they aren't then they probably weren't good friends to start with.

even in the OP's circumstances?

this

God. The kindness on this thread is making me want to burst into tears. I’m at work so much hold it together.

These friends have shown great sympathy. And have listened when it all kicked off. there’s not much else they could do. One friend, who is the wealthiest, picked up me and the DCs and took us to her house to hide from my ex who was terrifying us. She is one that I will not fade from. We have such a laugh and we walk together every week.

I mean, the crisis point - it was three years ago now but the legacy is still very dominant in my life. I don’t think I will ever recover from the trauma and nor from the financial walloping either.

So I am depressed. Definitely. And things are magnified when you are isolated. I having therapy. It’s free so didn’t really get to choose what type. It’s this [[[https://treglobal.org/what-is-tre/ treglobal.org/what-is-tre/ type of therapy.

I don’t believe things will ever get better for me. I work but I am not qualified and am old at 55. So a bit of a loser there!!