To avoid people who have the life I used to have

[SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut]

I have had a horrible divorce where I found out exh had not only spent big sums of family money but had also racked up debts in my name too. This is aside from the adultery and violence.

I have several friends who still live a life of financial security. A couple are really wealthy. They’re really lovely people. That’s not the problem.

I just don’t want to see them anymore. They are so fortunate and relaxed and thoroughly enjoying their lives. Exactly as they should. I wouldn’t wish anything else for them. It’s not their fault my circumstances are now dire.

But I am so anxious and stressed. Lurching from month to month worried sick about how to cover the ren, bills etc. I simply can’t contribute to their casual chat of holidays, second homes, university for their DCs when my life is in tatters.

I just want to disappear from them. Perhaps I am envious? I don’t know. I don’t really have time to think like that anyway because I am consumed with worry and actually obsessed with how we are going to survive.

How can I fade from view? They’re quite persistent in meeting up with me. That’s another cost I can’t afford either.

I don’t want to lose their friendship per se but I really don’t think I can continue it. It’s another stress for me. Perhaps triggers grief too.

It’s such an easy thing to say - “Oh you must be jealous and bitter.”

Actually not. I wouldn’t wish my circumstances on anyone!!

And it’s a sense of grief and loss and constant distress and anxiety.

I wouldn’t have gone to see the friend’s new amazing home either. Not least because I would feel like I was a little thunder cloud overshadowing the event despite fastening a bright, enthusiastic smile on my face.

And because, yes, my life is full of worry and fear that I can’t cope with viewing someone else’s luxury right now.

I was going to post something similar, but completely agree with you.

Really good friends will try to understand how you feel, at least give them the opportunity to show that. So sorry that life has become so difficult for you, OP.

I hear you OP - I've stayed away from social occasions because I didn't want to be the black cloud, too. Nothing to do with bitterness or jealousy - not that it's illegal to be bitter or jealous, either. There's good reason, sometimes, and the reason to try not to be bitter is not other people (who have no clue) tut-tutting at it, but the effects on your own wellbeing.

Can you use different strategies for different people? With those you aren't too concerned about connecting with again, just make excuses, say you're busy. While to those with a bit more empathy you can perhaps say that you value their friendship and would like to see them but simply don't have the bandwidth right now and won't for a while?

I'm 54 and staring down the barrel of my relationship ending - having to end (never mind the details). I know what you mean about feeling like a loser, but ffs it's not your doing, and there's life still out there, there are other people, other things to do. You got yourself and your kids out of a dangerous situation, so kudos to you.

It's not just because they remind you of the lifestyle you miss. They also remind you of a time when you were one half of a bad relationship, so the ghost of your ex is always sitting at the table whenever you see them. This is why many people forge new friendships after divorce.

This exactly.
I remember feeling so sad when I lost some couple friends who I had to lose because they were my exH's.

But I soon felt relieved that I didn't have to see them as a single person and just be reminded of what I had lost plus also probably hear about my ex and what he was up to, how lovely his new gf is etc etc.

Self preservation is so important at times like this

Try not to put yourself in situations that make you feel worse, that's what I realised.

Choose friends and events that uplift you, not ones that bring you down.

If that means your social circle becomes a bit smaller, so be it, you will heal more quickly.

I think it’s a very normal, human, response from you, and as the comments make clear, it doesn’t happen just with financial things. It also certainly doesn’t just happen when you’ve lost a “before” life, either.

I think when your whole life is being severely negatively impacted by a key issue - taking up a huge amount of your headspace and impacting everything that you do - spending time with people who cannot relate at all and (however inadvertently) serve as a constant reminder of your own trouble can be really painful.

I can relate to the problem, but with an entirely different issue. When I became a mum, my baby was medically complex - disabled - exceptionally hard work, screamed all the time, was constantly in and out of hospital. And I tried to go to baby groups, and make “mum friends” (none of my old school or uni friends had kids yet…) but the reality was that it was all just too painful.

All these other parents with their “normal” babies, with a group chat pinging away with grumbles about teething, babies still waking a couple of times in the night at a few months old (the horror) and so on, while we were 2 weeks into our latest stay in high dependency. They were kind and supportive of us but they didn’t understand our reality, never would, and our lives were just too different. I moved on, because I just couldn’t stand it. They were entitled to complain about their problems but I just couldn’t listen to it all the time.

I didn’t really have mum friends until I managed to connect with people in similar situations who are living a lot of the same issues, where I don’t feel I have to fake a smile and pretend that I’’m in high spirits despite having only slept for an hour.

However, in your situation, it is different because these are old friends who clearly care about you. So while I completely understand the pain of it, I would try not to cut them out entirely at this point. I would be totally honest with them about how you’re feeling because what have you got to lose, really? You risk losing them if you keep shutting them out, whereas if you opt for total honesty, and taking some space, hopefully they will still be there for you when you need them and you’ll be able to properly pick up those friendships again when you feel able. And if they don’t respond well to your honesty, well you don’t need them around, anyway.

So many have said what I’d have said that there’s no need to repeat but I hear you @SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut.

I think there’s two things that you might need to try to split out in your own mind, although they seem enmeshed. There’s the currency of wealth, ability to do things, and enjoying and celebrating the the things you did together in the past - whether that was going to restaurants, seeing a show, buying gifts, going on holidays. Missing out on invitations because no you can’t afford the flight or to contribute to a birthday party.

but in terms of haves/have nots, although this is a real challenge, you HAVE got friends, and so many people lose their friends entirely through upheaval and divorce. So don’t cut off the extremely valuable currency of having people in your life, who want the best for you. And if there are those who are clumsy, tactless or disingenuous, do by all means retire them from your inner circle. I agree with a previous poster who said you’re navigating a difficult transition, so you are in the hard yards NOW, but it’s temporary and things will get better. Send a note, send a WhatsApp, if you need to take a step back but try to see this as temporary until you get through the next few months. When you lift the head, and you WILL, who will you reach out to to say ‘hey, fancy a coffee? I’m feeling more able now.’ Keep a few people in mind for that great day ahead.

I wish you every strength and hope that your reflections are being kind to you, you now and future you. Really sending you every support. We can be your friends too!

If I was one of your friends I'd rather you told me how you felt and that you needed some space from me and I'd (hopefully!) understand
I had a very good friend who was going through a long, drawn out, horrible divorce and - understandably - she wasn't on top form. The last time we met she made dig after dig, poked holes in everything I said and I came away thinking I'm not up for going through that again.

I'm pretty sure it was circumstantial but it was nasty.

We're not friends anymore - my choice.
I hope things improve for you very soon 💐

I’ve seen this with divorce, death, ill health, etc and your feelings are valid. I think many don’t understand how it feels unless you have been through it yourself. My aunt is now physically disabled & she really struggles seeing old friends, she was the life & soul of that group, always the first on the dance floor etc. it reminds of everything she was and what she lost.

Try being honest by saying something like ‘ I really appreciate you looking out for me but I think what I need right now is just to withdraw while I recover from this awful divorce. I would really appreciate it if you would give me some space to work through all this. Your friendship is important to me so please bear with me’.

A bit like a few other posters, I did this. It was just too painful. For me some of them became friends with my exh and the woman he left me for, so that stung. However 5 years on I am in a completely different place and I do wish that I had told a select few what I was doing and why.

Maybe suggest somewhere cheaper to meet, and see how it goes? You might end up having a good time with them. Often you hear of friends cutting off anyone who is divorced, so it's good they still seem to want to support you. If you really get upset/don't enjoy meeting them once you've tried it, at least you gave it a go and will know for sure.

I think it's hard when your going through a horrible divorce. Suddenly things change so quickly. Then your trying to deal with the fallout and lack of money.
You end up feeling both physically and mentally drained in dealing with this.

Along with this your confidence can take a knock.

I think in your situation if you don't want to talk about things just yet I would tell them that you're going through a divorce and have a lot to deal with at the moment. Tell them that you will ring them in a month's time.

If you know that one of them will keep what you say to them confidential ask them around to where you live for a chat. Tell them what is happening with you as they maybe able to help you. Help does not mean a wad of cash but sometimes being listened to can help you not feel that you're not as alone. Then they maybe able to help you out with a good solicitor or help you get or change jobs. They might be able to help you out practically either.
Be honest with them and say that you can't afford many extras at the moment but that you still like to meet up for a chat.
If the chat becomes all about them and where they are going, doing, spending ect I would let these so called friendships drift away.

I have been there for friends going through horrible times in the past. One person I was there a lot for helped me out in a practical way a few years later. What they did for me then made my life far better.

I know that things are tough at the moment but I hope things can and will improve for you. As the old saying goes that the darkest nights are often before the dawn.

Yeah - crass as fuck

"If your friends are good friends they will understand that you need time out. They don’t need to help you out as such, they do need to accept that it’s not ‘business as usual’ for you just now and good friends should have that capacity"

Only if OP tells them / communicates !

Ok this is my reading of it.

If you distance yourself, you’ll be depressed and stressed about finances and you’ll have no friends.

that’s objectively worse than being depressed and stressed about finances, but having friends.

It might feel different but this is objectively true. So be honest- say you’re struggling and why and what they can do to help. But also you are going to have to tolerate their complaining about the price of a new kitchen etc. That’s just life I’m afraid.

(to which your sister should probably respond, equally sarcastically, that she lives in the first world and of course has first world problems)

It is too hard to be around it. Sometimes I think people only understand if it happens to them but then sometimes I think they know your circumstances have changed so it wouldn't hurt them to be a little sensitive to it.

I went through a terrifying time two years ago and two close friends weren't bothered. I realised it didn't matter to them because it was happening to me. It's a horrible place to be at.

At times like these you have to conserve all your energy to keep body and soul together and to try and future proof yourself. But it is hard and it is isolating.

You need to take one step at a time OP, you are understandably scarred by your experience.
You need to prioritise yourself and do what is right for you.
Take care OP

Talk to them: if they are good friends they will understand. I’m so sorry you’re going through this; I hope it gets better.

With divorce, it really takes one to know one. If you haven't been through it, you may not appreciate how painful it is to be around couples whose lives are turning out well.

My mum died when I was in my teens so yes, I am fully aware of what its like to feel desperately jealous of the fact other people still have their mums and they have seen them get married and met their grandchildren. Mine never will.

Its very presumptive to assume I havent also been through difficult times.

That said, there is nothing to be gained from me distancing myself from everyone who has their mother is there? all that will do is leave me isolated and bitter.

I choose to not be that kind of person.

I feel your pain. I also have had trouble conceiving unfortunately it never happened for me either. I really feel for you and I aren't trying to discredit your feelings. I too have had trouble being around family and friends who have happy families and I don't. But I can't turn my back on them. It's not their fault my life didn't go as planned. It fucking hurts, it really does. I think why me all the time. But I need my family and friends. I hope you find or have some peace and joy in your life. I am finding mine too. 💐💐💐

Eh? I was talking about divorce only - the very specific type of pain that is divorce. And the specific effects of divorce that change every day of your life forever more.

Bereavement is a whole different kettle of fish. I lost my mum many years ago, from a recurrence of a cancer that first happened when I was 24. I have had all those years where my friends still have their mums, and I certainly knew no one whose mum was ever seriously ill. They almost all have their mums, even now. Add to that, I lost my dad four years ago, and I am the only person my age that I know, bar none, who has also lost both parents. Both of my parents went through very protracted cancer journeys, and I did everything for my dad because my mum was gone. But I am also getting divorced, and I can tell you that the two types of pain and the effects of each situation are entirely different. Being bereaved of a parent (s) doesn't make you able to understand the pain of divorce. I know both types well. And this is why I said that, when it comes to divorce, it takes one to know one.

I am sorry for your loss as a teen.

I think bereavement is quite a different loss.

I am not bitter just because I would rather be alone and face my huge adjustments.

Lots of negative judgement there.