Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

If he wants joint tenants then you say you will withdraw your grandads money and say you will keep that in savings and just match his deposit so you are putting in the exact same each. His response to that will tell you all you need to know.

When my husband and I bought our house (pre marriage) my DH provided the whole deposit. The solicitor suggested to my DH that I sign a document to ensure if anything happened, he would be entitled to all of his money back - I signed it happily. It was not my money and I had no interest in trying to take it. I also believed we were together for the right reasons and as such, it would never become an issue anyway. If he’s upset about it that would indicate that it is about the money for him. As someone who was in the other side of this situation, stick to your guns and protect your deposit.

I think you might be getting some harsh responses about your DP, but if in doubt, just match his deposit and then keep your saving separate. You’ll take a bigger mortgage but you’ll protect yourself

While the legal advice is sound, I think it is hard buying a joint owned home in unequal shares in a long term relationship. The party with a significantly small sharer share will obviously feel insecure as it's all about the division not about building a shared home. . If you are not going to marry, then why are you buying together?

The law commission is currently looking into the inequality experienced by ' ' common law' unmarried partners so things might end up differently if you split in the future, especially if his needs, while he has dependents, may be greater than yours ..

I'd be concerned that he thinks you're selfish for taking a perfectly reasonable stance on this. Why is he not making some attempt to understand your point of view? You're being hurried into a hasty decision because you don't want to lose the property and let's not pretend he doesn't know that. There will always be another house but once your inheritance is gone, that's it.

You’re being used

do not buy with him
buy it yourself and he can pay rent

I don’t want to drop out of this purchase, it has taken a lot for us to get here and we have already spent quite a bit of money on legal fees, surveys etc.

Take this completely out of your decision making OP. It's "sunk costs fallacy" talking. The decision on whether to buy with this man or not should be a decision based on who he is, not how much you've already invested in the venture.

I've been in relationships with men who think me looking after my own interests is selfish. It never ends well because it shows how they feel an underlying entitlement to everything I have and to being put first above my own needs. It isn't selfish at all to protect your assets. I wouldn't buy with him just because he's called you selfish, it's a red flag. You're performing mental gymnastics to excuse him. If he was hurt, he could say he was hurt, instead you're assuming that's what's behind it as a way to make what he's actually said more palatable to you and allow you to forgive him. He didn't say he was hurt you weren't 100% convinced of the longevity of the relationship, he said you were selfish. Mental who call you names and attack your character when they can't get their own way aren't as great as they seem to be.

do NOT go joint with him. I am with my partner, no children, no plans to get married.

I absolutely ring fenced my deposit - I will get back a % of the house if we sell and break up in future. There is absolutely no reason for you NOT to ring fence your deposit, other than him thinking that he'd like to get more than his fair share if you break up.

You ring fencing the deposit you've put in changes nothing about the realities of you living there.

The fact he is calling you selfish and acting hurt shows an incredible amount of ungratefulness on his part. This alone would make me sit up and wonder what else he will feel is 'selfish' from you.

He might have a brain injury, but it hasn't stopped him taking the piss. How fortunate for him and his ex that you came along. I don't give my own dd12 80 a month, let alone pay her phone on top of it - and I can well afford it. I wonder what else will be expected of you, clothes and phone today, university fees and house deposits tomorrow..

Even if he begrudgingly agrees to the tenants in common, he has displayed selfishness and a lack of appreciation I would struggle to get passed. He and his ex-wife are taking full advantage of you IMO.

Either ring fence your deposit (make sure you get legal advice) or otherwise both of you put £50k in and you keep the rest of your money and save it. If you end up staying together long term you can always use it later to pay off the mortgage. If you split then it gives you some capital to either buy him out or get a new place of your own.

This is a good point. When a friend of mine (with adult non dependent kids) split from his non-working wife, he ended up giving her 55% of the house and he kept 45% because she had a disability).

Yes they were married but I would still suggest that if your partner has a health condition you might want to be even more careful about how you ring fence assets.

Whilst I agree you should protect your deposit, he can still be an equal party in discussions about renovations and so on.

The reason people say (non-blended) families should share finances is because money = power, and power imbalances are really corrosive to relationships. But I think you can take conscious steps to keep the power balance equal even while you own different proportions of the house.

I think you are contributing too much towards the upkeep of his children. They have two parents who should be paying for their phones and pocket money - especially if he is paying £150pw in CM - which seems high if you have them 50% of the time. Don't let the money you've spent on legal fees be the reason to continue with the house purchase, this could end up costing you much more.

We own as tenants in common, in our case 50/50 but in your case I’d ring fence each of your deposits then 50/50 after that

That doesn't sound right. That should not be 50/50. protect your deposit. My partner and I bought together almost 3 years ago now, but I had no deposit and he put all 25% down. We pay equally into a joint account and it covers all bills, mortgage and food we buy for the house. we both have 1 child each, from previous relationship, living with us. my son goes more to his dad and SD only goes to her mum every other weekend for 2 nights. neither of us get child maintenance. we are also not married and not planning to, I agree that I do not own 50% of our house and would never try that one. Maybe work out with deposit what each share really is and have a discussion about how it would work in the future if you were to sell and get another home or to split. It has to be open and honest before you make the leap of faith to live together. we still need to get ours in writing but we trust each other.
Good luck and hope you can sort it fairly.

You are quite right. You need to ring fence your deposit. Don't let him guilt trip you out of that decision. You are already paying more than your fair share to his children, he should be giving them pocket money not you.

I also think suggest matching his deposit and see how that goes as an alternative. Honestly don’t know what he’s thinking, you’ve been lovely towards his children and him and not in any way shape or form selfish of greedy, besides all those terms could only really apply to someone who has an obligation towards you, no such obligation exists in your situation, you aren’t under any obligation to share your inheritance with him.

If you chose to get married and have children I think it’s different and a one pot system makes more sense but you don’t, you haven’t and you aren’t.

If you went ahead and did this
There are so many what ifs which may seem far fetched right now.
But for example .
What if you split?
What If he died suddenly. His daughters would own half your house. They may/may not want to let you buy them out. Even if he made a will that you agree on and shows you, he could always make another.
Supposing you changed your mind about children in the future

As other's have said, don't buy with him. In his mind, he's already spending what he can of your grandfather's inheritance on himself.

You are only 32 and are very fortunate to have this money to buy your own home. Hang on to your independence.

Also. You sound like a generous soul, and are kind to his DDS. How dare he accuse you of being selfish.
"You are so selfish, you won't give me half of your inheritance!"
Can he even hear himself speak? Red Flag.

You need to protect your deposit, I bought with my long term partner last year. One of us contributed 45k to the deposit whilst the other contributed 15k. We are tenants in common with a 75/25 split and we are both more than happy with this. If you proceed with 50/50 you risk being burned if things do not work out

I am in a similar situation except we have never bought together. We have lived in my house, owned outright, for the last 16 years. I don’t want to marry, we each have our own children.

My DP respects my choices, accepting the house is not his. Our wills are written to ensure my children inherit my house but that he can stay in his home if he survives me.
My DP knows that my adulterous husband put our family home on the market and that shockingly I came home after work to a ‘for sale’ board. I agreed eventually to the sale, to be able to cut all ties, but I never want my choices to be limited by someone else again. My DP gets it.

There is some concern about your DP’s lack of understanding.

I have spoken to him a bit more and I think he feels a bit powerless in this whole situation as the purchase date gets closer. He feels it’s not really his home as I own so much more than him and he has no agency over decisions like renovations etc.

Then the answer is to buy a cheaper house where he can put in 50%.

He doesn't earn enough to match your income.
He doesn't have the same savings.

Why would he not have 'agency' over renovations? That's a bit ridiculous. If he's paying 50% of the mortgage of course he can have input into the house renovations.

He's blackmailing you!

Sorry OP Ive seen your update that you want to continue with the sale etc.

It came across as the crux of the issue is that he feels at the moment that it wouldn't really be his house if its not 50/50.

Maybe that is the issue you need to work on, since you do sound as though you have be very generous and he's forgetting that. You already pay more than 50% of all living expenses, but he doesn't see that as an issue, so why should the house be once everyone is living there. Also, you've made provision in your will to protect him and his DDs which is both thoughtful and generous.. so I think it might be worth gently reminding him that you are doing all you can and that he needs to give you a bit of credit for your thoughtfulness and foresight and also a bit of trust.

Why don't you just match his deposit and keep the rest of your money separate?

My first house deposit with my then partner was £2,000. Even with that small amount the solicitor was very insistent it was ring fenced. My partner agreed straight away.

He's waving a massive red flag while watching you pay more for his daughter's each month than he does.

I can see both viewpoints, but I agree with yours.

He is looking at it emotionally and not practically. You would be not only gifting him your inheritance in the event of separation, but in effect passing that down to his daughters as they would subsequently inherit from him.

Beyond separating - at the pint of death, who would you wish to leave that money too? That’s how I wouldn’t be thinking about it too.

You have to be practical and stay firm. You are being generous in your day to day, so he is ridiculous to call you selfish. You’re giving his children £20pw pocket money! That’s more than a lot give their own children.