Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

You sound lovely, kind, accomplished and generous OP. You have obviously done well in your career and are in an excellent position financially.

You clearly love your partner and his children. If you wish to spend your money on them, that's your prerogative.

However - it is outrageous for your partner to suggest that you are in any way selfish to insist on tenants in common. He has an unbelievably good deal financially by being with you. He's able to live in a much bigger house than he could ever afford otherwise, with his younger and higher-earning partner subsidising his and his children's lifestyles.

Where would he, his children, and his children's mother be without you financially? In a mess, most likely. You are bankrolling all of them.

So well done for holding firm on tenants in common. That is absolutely non-negotiable. You sound intelligent and switched on. Good for you.

Aren’t you hurt that he even thinks your wishes are selfish, never mind said so, after everything you’re giving to him, his kids and even his ex? You’re funding her £600 a month. He’s extraordinarily fortunate to have you working hard to subsidise everyone and instead of being grateful he wants more.

As said the accusation that yourself is outrageous, you're actually extremely generous, and in spite of this he is pushing hard to get even more of your money.
I would be calmly and firmly sticking to my original position, then watch his behaviour and be ready to call it off. Don't back down.

Don’t ever marry him.

You seem hellbent on the purchase. So go ahead and protect your assets.

Are you happy to remain childless?
He needs to work longer hours now. There are red flags everywhere. I guess you are going ahead. Good Luck!

text book situation for Tenants In Common mortgage. How is he going to be convinced though? Maybe show him this thread

If you’re not married you need to be very careful!!

if you read more of the Op’s posts her husband is self employed and has a brain injury so now cannot earn as much.

they actually have a true partnership because its not all 50/50, sometimes when one partner is down you step up to provide the support. They are in a long term relationship. No wonder the OP name changed cos honestly she asked for advice on the mortgage situation & what she has got is relationship advice & her husband called greedy, a gold digger, using her, saw her coming.

maybe a man who has kids & a brain injury limiting his earning power has the concerns if they split how will he be left. As I said earlier if this was role reversal the replies would be vastly different

Unless tenants in common he can't leave his "share" to anyone
They both own 100% as joint tenants and upon death the surviving person becomes the owner
You can only leave your share if you own as tenants in common

You sound like a wonderful stepmum. My view is usually that if you are choosing t9 blend a family then you need to be all in and combine all aspects of family life - people with children come as a package and that means equal responsibility, no difference between whose children are whose etc. But something about this just feels... off. If you aren't planning to marry, I think 100% tenants in common. Protect you grandfather's money, just in case. It's a red flag he's being so pushy on this.

That would be my take too

You are already very generous.
Be very wary of a man who has two children calling you selfish when you already pay so much.

Huge red flag.
Don't ignore that.

@PersephoneMidnight Glad to see you say it will be tenants in common.

Another thing to consider is if you had agreed to joint tenants and died first he would inherit the house irrespective of what your will says.

My advice is see a STEP solicitor https://www.step.org/directory/members/search

'We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones.'
You don't split everything. You pay for most things including for his children.

I think your request is very reasonable. Don't back down. In fact I'd be thinking twice about the joint house purchase. He is also paying maintenance in spite of the fact it's 50/50 shared care

Whys he paying £600 CM a month if he has the kids 50/50? He shouldn’t pay anything.

I’ve been with my partner who is the father to our children for 20 years. He is shit with money, I earn more and I never want to get married due to his shit money habits. I purchased the house in my name. He will be looked after if I die first but no way am I tying myself to him financially with a house and marriage. He could make the effort to curb his spending and shit money habits, he does not so I protect myself and our kids with separate finances.
why are you even buying together, it sounds like a bad idea For you, excellent idea for him.
protect yourself as you never know what might happen in the future.

I can understand why you would seek reassurance. So here it is. You. Are. Not. Being. Unreasonable. Stay true to yourself and to your principles. Do not wilt in the face of any sulking or carping from your DP. He sounds much more ‘money conscious’ than you. Your good nature shines through in your post. Don’t let it become your weakness. Best wishes.

I don't understand why you are buying together.

You don't want to get married, you don't want to share finances so a family home purchase seems the wrong move imo.

You are complicating things in a way it seems you don't want to and are not obliged to do.

The only "sense" I can make of it is that it allows you to purchase a property that exceeds what you could have afforded were it your own investment, so I guess maybe that might be a bit where he is coming from.

Personally, I think you are asking for trouble ...

It’s so good to hear from someone who knows what’s right and is sticking to their guns.

I am actually shocked at this. Of course your deposits need to be ringfenced! Increase in value would be split. Anything else would be horrendous financial advice. I am concerned he doesn't want this and even more concerned that he is calling YOU selfish over this. I'd have a serious chat and a rethink to be honest. And I am in a blended family situation as well.

You need a deed of trust with what was contributed as a % each and tenants in common or tell him to jog on.

Blended family here and although it was 50/50 I still insisted on a DOT and the TIC wasn't up for negotiation as we both have kids and our estates protected for each of our childern.

The fact he's mewing about Joint tenants and 50/50 would be a BIG RED FLAG.

My deed of trust protected the 50k I put in extra against my husband when we divorced. Best money I've ever spent. Poor little pickle must have shed a tear when he realised that was off the table.

THIS! Biggest risk of Joint tenants. Great link Btw.

See the OP’s latest post.

a long term relationship, living together with bills etc is pretty much the same as being married and marriage vows traditionally say ‘and in sickness & in health’

OP is actually displaying such good relationship behaviours, its rare on mumsnet for a step mum to even like the kids never mind treat them as their own. Same with pocket money, am sure it wasn’t always as much.

The OP actually sounds like she has a loving family, both her and DP clearly are a team and support each other, this is actually what most people want in life

Absolutely do not be pressured to do what he wants. Any decent solicitor should absolutely advise against it. If he wants to buy with you your contributions must be ringfenced as well as the % of future increase in value - eg you get a higher % to reflect your contribution.

You already contribute more and now he wants half of inherited money? Nah, it's not your responsibility to bankroll him. He isn't even on a poor wage himself!

If you were married and/or had children together then perhaps it would be different. But in this case you already bring more to the table financially plus offer financial and I presume emotional and physical care for his children. His response to which is to feel you also owe him a gift of thousands of pounds?

What amazing contribution does he make to your life to warrant being bank rolled?