AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

Then they should either charge more or be transparent with parents from the outset that there is a mandatory time commitment involved.

There are plenty of posters on this thread who have said they pay less than we do for weekly drama or dance classes. There are also posters who pay simular, and some who pay a lot more. There are some posters who don't pay for their DC to take part in shows, some who do. As I said upthread, everyone thinks what they're used to is "normal". Our DC also play instruments and we don't pay as much as you do for weekly lessons.

Why do you just laser in on posts like this and not answer questions like

has she chased you?
were you actually clear with her at the end of your life history?

I'm sorry if I haven't managed to respond to every single post on the thread.

I already gave a full account of my conversation with her upthread, including how the conversation ended. After questioning me about why various relatives couldn't help she continued to lecture me so I told her I needed to leave as I had a meeting to get to, so she shook her head and walked away from me. That's how we left it.

No, she hasn't chased me yet. I would probably have posted an update if she had. Perhaps she won't bother, or perhaps I'll get a shitty email at some point.

So she walked away
so presume she’s accepted it (as long amongst all the talk about aunts etc you were explicit)
and just crack on. When’s the next class?

I literally said "my kids have one Aunt and she's not in a position to help". That was the sum-total of "all the talk about aunts" so I think it's pretty explicit.

DD has been there every day this week either rehearsing or volunteering with the younger ones. Classes resume in September. It hasn't been mentioned, but then I haven't seen her apart from briefly across a crowded room so who knows. As I said, that may well be the end of it or I may get another email but we'll see.

Maybe you should send the mentally unstable aunt to chaperone. That would cause a safeguarding nightmare for them (only joking)

I explained that I wouldn't feel comfortable bringing DS and she said "oh no, we can't have additional children backstage and we would need you completely focused". She asked if grandparents could help so I told her DH's parents are elderly and in poor health and mine will be out of the country. She said "what about Aunts and Uncles?" so I explained that my children only have one Aunt and she's not in a position to help unfortunately- I didn't go into details as it's not her business frankly, but DH's sister is sadly not someone we could ever leave our children with, if anything we have caring responsibilities for SIL. She then made the comment about how if they don't have enough chaperones the performance can't go ahead. At that point I said "I'm really sorry but I need to leave to get to a meeting"

She left the conversation knowing

your husbands parents are elderly and in poor health
your parents aren’t in the country
you have one aunt and she can’t help

all so unnecessary.

”I am not in a position to do this unfortunately”

when is the performance?

Don't tempt me! 😂

Ok, point taken! I thought I was just answering her questions. I know Mumsnet is fond of saying "no is a complete sentence" but some people don't like to take no for an answer.

The performance isn't for another week.

Are they going to expect you to pay for a DBS check as well?

Absolute ridiculous expectations from them, and so expensive

Dd dance groups asks for parents to volunteer chaperone...but must have a dbs certificate.
Its a general email though with no pressure.
If you havea disability, are a single parent or hsve SEND children it becomes impossible unfortunately.

Oh “no is a complete sentence” makes me feel queasy

But just a “we are up to our eyeballs with family issues atm and it’s just not going to be possible” and leave it at that.

No mention of aunts or grannies or who’s poorly etc. Just unequivocal.

and don’t say “very sorry” when you have to leave someone berating you In Order to make a meeting

One week? Oh put all this to the back of your mind, get your tix, enjoy the show.

Really surprised they put a show on in middle of summer holidays when so many of the kids will be away

It's quite common. Companies do it as sort of a summer school. It also makes tech and get in at the theatre easier as they don't have to worry about school hours.

I don’t think the problem is with the request itself but more the insinuation that it isn’t, well, voluntary.

But this isn’t summer school
it’s termly
currently no classes

The classes are termly but there are constant workshops (some 1 day, some run for a week) running throughout the school holidays for various ages. Usually 2-3 taking place at any one time in different spaces. They run shows every summer and at Christmas, which are open to the public. It doesn't matter to them that some kids are away because there's no expectation that kids who do the classes will also do shows, some do but some don't. I imagine some parents would struggle to afford an extra 150 to take part in the show on top of the classes, but they seem to have no shortage of kids who want to be involved.

I was surprised that members of the public pay to see the shows too but yes, they do! The christmas shows are particularly popular. Lots of local families take their kids who aren't involved with the drama school. Wouldn't be how I'd choose to spend an evening if my own DC weren't involved but horses for courses I suppose.

Tickets for this show are £16 something for members and £20 for non members. I think prices vary depending on the show though.

That's weird, the post my last reply was responding to has disappeared.

It will be a minority, hence the pressure.

I found this a really bad aspect of music theatre tbh. They pressure you to help and when you do, there is no training, no instructions, little you can actually help with other than crowd control - at the same time there can be high expectations of hair, makeup and sewing skills not all of us have.

Although I think it is a great hobby, I was kind of pleased when DD had had enough!

Do members of the general public genuinely spend £20 on tickets to watch young kids from a musical theatre school where the only audition is - can your parents afford it?

Op says they are rehearsing for the show for two weeks including during normal working hours & it’s separate from the termly classes so it’s a bit like a summer school in that respect.

They run shows every summer and at Christmas,

how has the organiser taken it when you have said no to your daughter on every occasion previous to this one?

I imagine lead roles are auditioned for.

The one near us is excellent quality and I have booked to see their shows even when my child hasn't been in them - it's cheaper than the West End (where their directors and choreographers work) and easier to get to!

it's cheaper than the West End (where their directors and choreographers work) and easier to get to!

this doesn’t sound like any old musical theatre school 😆