AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

The clue is in the name. It’s called volunteering because it is optional. If it is mandatory or they are forcing you to do it, it is not volunteering. I’d get them to clarify this, first up. I’m sure as soon as you ask: “Is this a volunteer role or is it something else and if so, what is it?” they will drop the arm-twisting.

My kids go to a musical theatre school and the termly costs are similar but there are no added costs to do the shows other than paying for the costumes and tickets. They request volunteers to chaperone (my DH does it) but its not an expectation that everyone has to. Have a look around for other options once this show is done - they seem over priced and their expectations are unreasonable

CFs. I would have responded just as loudly: don't lecture me because you haven't thought this through etc.

However: I am wondering why you can't hire a babysitter for one of the nights or ask friends/family to help out. Other parents?

I honestly wouldn't stress over this. Not everyone is in a position to help. There will be plenty of mothers who don't work who will gladly help. You should have been informed at the outset if you were expected to be available. I doubt anyone will even notice

Btw are all these parents DBS checked? They should be if around children and if not I would be pulling my kids out anyway

I think that’s totally batshit and they should have said we can make it work without you. I volunteer at my kids sports and it’s pretty required but we work around peoples capability and life circumstances!!
im with the op- don’t do it. It’s too hard for that particular family who were given no notice.

I’m a little on the fence about this.
DH coaches a local youth cricket team. The time he invests into it behind the scenes and to put on games and then actual time spent coaching, umpiring, attending safeguarding meetings etc is HUGE.
As the other parent in this scenario, I find it so hard to swallow that no other parents are willing to help - he’s close to burn out, I’m fed up with not seeing him March-Sept but the reality is, unless he continues, the youth team will fold because there simply isn’t enough volunteers to safely continue.
We also had the attitude of ‘I pay so why should I help’ - we also pay for our children to attend and commit an enormous amount of time to keep it running. Reality is, clubs need willing parents to help out, otherwise they struggle, because it’s much more than the £10 for an hour or two every week.

I do understand, but if it genuinely needs every single parent to be there on one of two set dates, in the working day, then I hope he's communicated that clearly when signing up and perhaps doing something to allow for, or help, those with other children.

If it's more "we need half the parents to commit to one evening a month, doesn't matter which one" then that's different from OP's situation.

Yes it's galling to be the only volunteer but you need to be fairly loud and consistent in making clear the needs.... most people see it bobbing along fine and therefore don't have any motivation to offer!

@GumballWaterson You absolutely should've spoken aloud your final paragraph in an even louder voice. All the parents are no doubt thinking the same as you.

@GumballWaterson Tell the staff you wouldn't pass a DBS

Thank God my daughter plays football.

DD has attended our local youth theatre group for the past 13 years and never once have we as parents been asked to volunteer as chaperones. They have paid staff that work as chaperones, there are 2 regular chaperones that chaperone all classes and shows and there is mix of paid and volunteer chaperones that work on shows. All DBs checked and child safeguarding level 1 trained, absolutely no parents not listed on the paperwork are allowed backstage in any capacity, it goes against all their safeguarding rules. If you do volunteer as a chaperone you get a discount on your classes. 10% I think.

Most clubs:hobbies raise money through sponsorship plus some bag packing, raffles etc to reduce the cost. Maybe you could suggest this going forward.
Hobbies are expensive. My sister spent 1000’s on my niece Irish dancing, it’s not an option as a hobby for the poorer children.

Sounds like a very lucrative business.
Can't they professional qualified people who have been security checked.
To do some of the chaperoning?

Look the school up.on companies house then you'll have an idea if they are struggling financially

You said no. The owner unreasonably cornered you to pressurise you. You gave your life story as to why not. She huffed. And that was that.

So as it stands - you’re not volunteering and they haven’t kicked your daughter out and you don’t intend to withdraw her.

So yes, bit twatty of the teacher but it is done and dusted now @GumballWaterson ?

YABU

your DC are benefitting from others’ time and energy, but you’re unprepared to reciprocate.

I hope your studio director implements an extra fee for parents who don’t assist in activities where parent-chaperones are needed. You are being quite selfish.

Do you have children @Wadsworthy ?

Her children are benefiting from the service that she has paid a business to provide.

Look. They didnt make it clear up front about the requirements to volunteer. And all the people piling in to say this is normal and expected ... well you didn't know and had no way of knowing. I would have been the same. I never did this kind of activity growing up and my job isn't the sort of job that I can just drop for hours middle of rhe day to supervise kids.
So YANBU to just not volunteer this time. They didn't inform you up front and you cannot do it as you've clearly explained. And so you've tried to explain this to the organiser so she knows the situation. I would be willing to bet you are not the only one.

I'd just quietly drop it now. Just don't fill in the form. And if there's another show either ask up front before registering or organise yourself so you can do the chaperone with grandparents or whatever.

I'd happily pay an extra fee rather than be ordered to "volunteer" to be honest. Although I think it would be odd for a business to charge it's customers extra for refusing to do mandatory unpaid work that the customers were not made aware of when they initially signed up to the service. I'm not sure how they'd enforce that in practice if some parents refused to pay.

I would probably pay it though, because although you're obviously entitled to think me selfish, with both of us working full time, parenting two DC with additional needs, existing voluntary commitments (which we actually volunteered for), GP's who are frail and increasingly need our support, and another adult relative who needs a lot of help due to MH, I don't feel I have room on my plate for anything else. Maybe you and the handful of other posters who think I'm selfish are also doing all these things and much more. If so that's great, good for you. I've just about managed to juggle things so that I can drive DD to and from her rehearsals and on the days she volunteers to help out with the pre-school dance workshops, but that's been a challenge.

I think you need read all the OP posts.

It's obviously unreasonable to tell you at the last minute that volunteering is mandatory.
I have found drama to be the strangest activity my children have done and the most expensive. Happily they decided not to attend anymore and are focusing on other activities. Even with that they never told us volunteering was mandatory, and they were generally quite pleasant.
Cricket have nicely asked for volunteers at matches up front and made it clear when ir would be and what it would involve.
I feel that's a more reasonable approach.

My youngest two attend a sport and the chief volunteer is very bossy too like this with guilt tripping parents into volunteering. I just don't attend stuff if they get like this. It leaves a bad taste.
ETA that my two youngest also have additional needs too. Which means it's a lot of effort required as parents to care for them. Others don't see that.

But all families have differing levels of family support. And this is what angers me about the sports club our DC attend. Not all families have enough energy to volunteer outside of the family home. The parents may have chronic illness issues which means they're already filling from an empty cup.

I applaud those who can literally do it all and spin plates whilst they're at it but many of us just have very little left to give especially if they've children with additional needs.