AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

Does your wife register as a chaperone through your local authority?

If not I’m curious why you’ve continued sending your children to a group that seem to have a very very poor standard of safeguarding

Well there are breaking the law

you wife is engaging and interacting with children in a formal setting in a position of authority

A bit of both. They are being unreasonable to spring it on you at the last minute after tickets have been purchased. But you are a 2-parent family so I think it's reasonable that if you can't make other arrangements only one parent watches and the other chaperones on at least one of the nights. Your dd shouldn't feel one parent has "missed" her performance if you are backstage with them.

No I don't. I would be interested to know how many actually volunteer but no way of finding out really.

No, not registered anywhere. We send our children there because we don't see the arrangement as a safeguarding risk.

You don’t see unchecked people around your children when changing as a safeguarding risk?

If they cut corners on safeguarding on their shows they likely do the same every week.

Any place that’s only safeguarding is “no males” is appallingly poor.

Bloody hell they’re raking it in - not only do you pay for the lessons, you pay to be in the show then you pay to buy tickets for the show and then, on top of that, you’re expected to volunteer your time to facilitate the show. What a cheeky request from what is basically a profit making business.

So rude to berate you loudly in front of other parents as well. Cheeky sods.

Because I've never been allowed backstage I cannot comment on the exact set-up but I do know that no adult is themself ever unsupervised with children.

I always had to chaperone my son as he was the only boy in the class. I wasn't DBS checked, maybe because the only child I interacted with was my own. Bit of a pain as I never actually saw a show.

Yes, If you ONLY chaperone your own child then you don't need a licence. But that is very poor of the dance school creating a situation where you never get to see any show.

This might out me, but the dance school is run by two teachers: one in primary and one is a secondary deputy head. They are supported by their mother who is a school business manager. I'm going to defer to their somewhat better knowledge of the practicalities and legalities of safeguarding.

And, to be frank, when I take my two DDs swimming tonight DD8 will be in the ladies' locker room by herself while DD6 is in the men's with me. That seems like a rather greater risk to me, and neither my wife nor I have given it a second thought. Indeed, since I researched it extensively when the situation first came up, MN seems to be very much of the view that from age eight upwards children should be in the locker rooms of their own sex, unsupervised if necessary.

In other settings e.g. Scouts you have to be DBS checked even if you are with your own child only (and parents/children aren't supposed to be 1:1 - we have in the past shared a room with DS on camp but this month I went with DS to camp and he shared with the other boys so fingers crossed we won't have to share with him again).

What? You had to chaperone because no other parent could chaperone a boy?

This is how I feel.

I expect they are raking it in. DD has been helping out at the holiday workshops for the little ones and it's actually only one member of staff, assisted by 2 or 3 unpaid teen girls, and there are usually about 20 kids. They charge the parents £75 for a day (6 hours).

Driving her there and back (an hour round trip twice a day) every day for 2 weeks has required a lot of juggling, with both DH and I having to adjust our working hours a bit and move meetings etc. I don't mind doing that but I feel this, combined with the considerable cost, is enough of a commitment on our part.

irrelevant

to act as a chaperone you need to be licensed and have an enhanced dbs

All irrelevant
if you lived a 2 min stroll away or if you had to drive an hour

You can’t do it 🤷‍♀️

Over 10 years ago I used to pay my student helpers £10 per hour.

I think it’s fair enough to expect parents to support where volunteers are needed. My ds is a swimmer and we rely on parental support to run meets.

However there will always be families whereby this ain’t possible and in your case it’s due to having a disabled child. They should be accepting of this.

Id send in an email outlining the conversation and that your disappointed in the very public response and had hoped that they’d be understanding as DD is a young carer and you are facilitating this to allow her to be more than this but they must understand your circumstances aren’t the norm.

Ask them for a response. I bet they won’t put it in writing that they expect you to stop providing care for a disabled child in order to support the show!

I see your point but I guess I feel it's somewhat relevant to my AIBU because they don't take into account what other commitments people might have, what their circumstances are and what they've already sacrificed to facilitate their children taking part in these activities when they're making demands on parents time. My perspective is it's fine to ask for volunteers but not to make demands, and that they should accept that there are a number of reasons why some people won't be able to make that commitment.

nah, it really isn’t their business

you can’t do it. The end.

And a valid reason is also….”I don’t want to”

Unless it was made clear when you signed up that this was a requirement

Sounds insanely expensive! For 200 a month x 30 or 40 kids I'd expect a few salaried helpers!

For reference my daughter's dance school is 55 a month. Performances are free to be in, helping is optional and tickets are 7.50 a head.

That £55 covers up to 9 different classes through the week, every week.

It wasn't. But even if it was, I'd still think it was unreasonable of them to insist that parents who are paying £150 for their children to do an activity also volunteer their time. They're entitled to set their own rules I suppose, but I don't think it's right.

It is a lot of money. The weekly classes in term time are run by paid staff, who do seem very good. But the holiday workshops seem to rely heavily on older kids volunteering to help out and they clearly don't want to pay additional staff overtime to work backstage at the performances.

Even if it was made clear, circumstances change.

After I had sols my school ds was involved in amateur theatre and I used to chaperone for them. However dh suddenly became very ill, resulting in him losing his driving lience and unable to work for 6 months, everyone rallied round to enable ds to still attend rehersals and take part in the show but the group never flinched at the fact that I could no longr chaperone. Their concern was making sure ds was not disadvantaged.